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28th amendment
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 THE DEPARTURE

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Posted on 03-29-12 11:11 AM     [Snapshot: 84]     Reply [Subscribe]
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if i were you, i would end the story at
"NOTHING." she got off the motorbike and walked towards the alley.

 
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Posted on 03-29-12 3:01 PM     [Snapshot: 404]     Reply [Subscribe]
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@behoove_me: You penned/nailed it. Good Job!


 
Posted on 03-29-12 6:42 PM     [Snapshot: 577]     Reply [Subscribe]
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 wow, it alwaz a gr8 read behoove, specially the twists u have @ the end.... mind blowing.. feels refreshing after such a long day.. well done!
 
Posted on 03-29-12 7:01 PM     [Snapshot: 625]     Reply [Subscribe]
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 yet another great piece from Behoove ! 
 
Posted on 03-29-12 9:36 PM     [Snapshot: 770]     Reply [Subscribe]
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 U nailed it mate!! after a long time got something worth to spend few minutes at Sajha...keep coming
 
Posted on 03-30-12 8:34 AM     [Snapshot: 965]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Appreciate that everyone!
Once again, I am indebted to you guys for taking time to read through this fiction of mine. But like I had mentioned during my previous post, I wish I could’ve had that ability to write something nicer, something better or an awe inspiring read that sharply deviates from the routine stories I have been posting so far. As I write more, I realize I have limitations and very little room to improvise, maybe I am not as educated enough to write a better story.
Also, one of the big flaws in my writing is, I write as my mood strikes and post in haste. I do not edit and I do not think about restructuring the sentences. It could be a quick, good read, but not great by any means. Like 28 amendments pointed it out, I could have ended the story just at the point he mentioned, but I went ahead and dramatized it a little more. My bad. ‘That’ is the flaw I am speaking of; I guess I always need a fresh pair of eyes to read through my stories before I post it quickly.
Hopefully, someday I shall learn to write a little better and not worry about the flaws anymore.

 
Posted on 03-30-12 10:23 AM     [Snapshot: 1064]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Nice one Behoove.
I like your stories but I don't like you always stating that you have flaws, this and that in your comments.


 
Posted on 03-30-12 1:57 PM     [Snapshot: 1160]     Reply [Subscribe]
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sorry if my comment made you feel like you are not a good writer. That was not my intention. But when u post a story in a platform like sajha, you should have thought about its users and presumed that we have an ability to grasp the inferred idea(except few exceptionally intellegent people :) ). When you gave us that extra detail after "NOTHING", you made us reader feel like a dumbass. i felt like you gave that detail because you thouhght i had no idea what was going on in her mind, why did she hugged him so tight before getting off of the motorbike and why was she crying. you had a perfect hollywood romantic drama going on until "NOTHING" but it came out as a silly bollywood flick at the end.

 
Posted on 03-30-12 3:11 PM     [Snapshot: 1215]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Ranipari,
Thanks for visiting, it really means a lot to me when you choose to read not only the story but also my comment. But in all honesty, I need to improvise, and that is what I am telling to ‘myself’, not to others. Each time I post something in sajha, I find numerous flaws when I read it again, and that is my frustration, nothing else.
28th Amendment,
I read my reply once again and felt a little bad about it. It sounded more like sarcasm when it was actually not. I am honestly very thankful that you pointed out few redundant details I could have done without. And I sincerely wish everyone did so too. So thank you from the bottom of my heart. I seek such inputs from readers every time I post something. And no, I wasn’t thinking about stopping at the point when she gets off the bike, quite honestly I would have stopped it right there if I had been a little careful. Majority of the readers in sajha are mature enough to understand what is implied. However, I still want to reiterate my haste to post and a little eccentricity I seriously need to work on.

 
Posted on 03-30-12 4:10 PM     [Snapshot: 1301]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Awesome!!!!!! Just love all your writings!!!!!!!

 
Posted on 03-31-12 1:27 AM     [Snapshot: 1483]     Reply [Subscribe]
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like in real life.

great writing .

 
Posted on 03-31-12 1:48 AM     [Snapshot: 1490]     Reply [Subscribe]
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You write like a pro brother. How come you write such good stories and just post it on Sajha? I think you deserve monetary reward getting them published in newspapers and magazines. May be you can compile them and publish it. If Samrat Upadhyaya does that, why can't you? I read it and found it as great as Samrat's short stories. Great! I loved it.
 
Posted on 04-02-12 1:00 AM     [Snapshot: 1689]     Reply [Subscribe]
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i don't know anything about anyone but its a perfect one for me keep uploading some more..............Thank you for posting such a wonderful ................................
 
Posted on 04-02-12 11:12 AM     [Snapshot: 1823]     Reply [Subscribe]
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हैन हो यो कथा मा अम्रिच आएर भेट भयो कि क्यर्यो होला खै ??? अर्को भाग औना बाकी हो कि कसो होला ?
कथा रर्मो छ
 
Posted on 04-02-12 11:31 AM     [Snapshot: 1837]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Awesome!!!!!! 

कहिले काहीं सोच्छु , कहिले लेख्न सक्ने/सिक्ने  होला यस्तो कथा .

 
Posted on 04-02-12 1:10 PM     [Snapshot: 1964]     Reply [Subscribe]
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 Awesome stuff. Behoove_Me dai, just lay it out and let us be critics. No need for such humility ;) 
 
Posted on 04-02-12 3:04 PM     [Snapshot: 2017]     Reply [Subscribe]
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 Excellent read.
 
Posted on 04-02-12 3:21 PM     [Snapshot: 2029]     Reply [Subscribe]
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 God damn it man.

I swear someone is cutting onions in here cuz somehow there's tears in my eyes.

Waiting for the next part. 

Epic writing. 

 
Posted on 04-02-12 4:08 PM     [Snapshot: 2058]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Love it. Looking forward more from you. You are a good writer.
 
Posted on 04-02-12 9:36 PM     [Snapshot: 2179]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Behoove Me,

I agree with one of the other commentators about the need to show some backbone and gumption. It's one thing to be open to suggestions but quite another to sound like you are  bowled over by every one of them that comes your way. When you yourself start pointing out your many flaws, you invite skepticism and doubt from your readers. 

That said, I do wish there were more people like you on Sajha who shared their creativity with others. Thanks for livening up the place and all the best with your creative endeavors.

Last edited: 02-Apr-12 09:43 PM

 
Posted on 04-06-12 4:06 PM     [Snapshot: 2384]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Nice! I like the ending just the way it is. It would be easier for us to dislike Sheetal if you had not put the part about her still having feelings for you. If it is a true, I am sorry, if it is not, enjoyed the read.
 



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