Sajha Subscribers/Viewers....

A very warm namaste and regards to you all. I have been following sajha post for about two months now. Reading all the short life stories and love stories I felt like to pen down one about myself also. Hope you guys will like it as I've tried my best to convey some messages via my personal experience and of course would want some suggestions in the same regards from you beautiful people out there. Any errors please let me know

Some months ago I was so hurt. And I hurt bad. And I wanted to know why.

Well...Today I'm looking at it this way.

I loved someone. I loved her very much. And she abandoned me. I thought the world of her and she crushed my heart and stole my dreams. Wow - so much power she had...to be able to inflict such heavy and massive destruction to my well-being. And with this 'imposed' power she became almost 'God-like' to me. I subconsciously feared this power, and by fearing it, the object of my power - she- actually became almost like an obsession to me. I thought about her all the time, I dreamed of her. She was the first thought in my head when I woke and the last when I went to sleep. And this constant dwelling confused me. I actually came to believe that I loved her and needed her far more than I actually did.

May be she felt powerful in the fact that she could and had inflicted so much emotional pain on me. She felt almighty in the knowledge that she had, alone, created such extensive devastation. She might have even felt a heightened sense of self-importance. Sadly, her ego may have been exaggerated as she witnessed either the begging and pleas, or the hopeless, lost agony that came from me.

She did not openly admit to these feelings of triumph. Hiding these emotions, she might have more often than not, tried to relay feeling of guilt or regret, either for causing me pain, or simply because she was 'sorry that the relationship didn't work out'.

Many times I thought to myself, "How can she just move on so easily, and not hurt like I do? How can someone who claimed they loved me just two weeks ago, this week announce that its over?"

But now I have now realized that many who make the choice to leave and end a relationship do not set out directly to cause hurt and pain. Their main goal is to find happiness and personal fulfillment, not to directly cause hurt to someone they care about.

Based on my realization, now, I am curing the grief that surrounds me. I am learning to find happiness within me. Sounds impossible, but it isn't. It is not only very possible, it has been there all along. If it weren't, I would have curled up in a ball at the foot of the one who left me, and died. And, yes, I might have felt that way, but did I do it? No! Because I still know, buried deep inside me, that she was not the be-all to my life. And how do I know that? Because I am here, writing this, looking for answers to my pain. Searching for help to mend my abandoned self! I have the courage and the desire to 'continue on'. I believe in me, I have faith in life, and I am aware of my capacity to love again. A new and better life is not only possible, not only probable, but a plain and simple fact.

Based on my final assumption, I hereby take back all the blames I gave her. I wish her gud luck in the new lease of her life. Letting her go wasn't easy. It took months but now I've let her go not with grudges but with sincere apologies and all the bests......

"Once I ran to you: Now I run from you"


-NG

thts the spirit and thts the love.

i went thru ur story or artical and found it touchy.i hve not yet such experience but while reading this i was kinda scared too.i love someone and she does too but in case if same thing happened to me, i was thinking wht wud i do.

i guess life is strenge n bend,wht comes across we hve to face it,

do not loose ur spirit.u have a great life a head.

It was a nice piece indeed. I saw a glimmer of hope towards the end and thats what keeps one going! There are many things that happens in life, as we might be affected by it at the moment but in the long run, it is just a very small part of life. As Robert Frost once said in his poem "people come, and people go, but I go on forever." Though it took you some time to realize it, I am happy that you are ready to move on with life. I think you should write more if you have time to do so. :)

--I am learning to find happiness within me--- Bingo! That's wht makes us move on..

Short & sweet piece - - - -  perfectly been able to render the moments of your inner enlightenment - -  you sud write more.

nice one,

sometimes we are so blinded by the wrong relation,

we fail to see the doors opened for us,

look around,

 

 

Satellite: Thanks for the spirit uplifting. And yah dont get scared. Choose to be happy and maintain your optimism.

rythm: Thanks for the encouragement. I am back in rythm.

pjna007: Thanks .But flet me tell you this.Those were the darkest times in my life and I would have been lost in this darkness forever if I had not decided to shine!!!

angeleyes: Thanks. Seriously, I thought the doors were closed but suddenly after long I see a small window had been let open.

Anyways, let me put into light some more of my inner feelings:

I know love never promises instant gratification, only ultimate fulfillment.  However, I SEE THE LIGHT.

But what if the fulfillment takes for ever and before it takes place you are kissed goodbye. It is identity shattering. You feel alone, unloved, unwanted and betrayed. Then this question starts coming to your head. CAN YOU LOVE EVER AGAIN?

Believe me, how you answer the question depends upon your perception of what love is. It is ones' personal choice to say, "Yes, I can love" and truly mean it, or "I cannot." Unless you have been emotionally damaged earlier.

When I was kissed goodbye by my love I was totally hurt. It took well over a more than normal gap for me to put myself back all together again. During all those period I had lost respect for womankind. I had reduced women into objects and thought superficially about them, paid no heed to their importance. I thought that 'THE ONLY TALENT A WOMAN HAS IS HER BEAUTY AND NOTHING ELSE'. She, with that self-claimed power could inflict enormous pain in a man's life.  But, guess what? I wasn't happy and satisfied being single too.

The last few months were weird. An all time topper in the work, fell to level of a below average professional. An "Always Bindaas" guy, turned into an "Always Serious" one. A happy and shining soul, became absolutely dead. I hate these months because I cannot justify what I did all this time. Frankly, I did not do anything... these month are a void in my life. Neither did I excel in my profession, nor did I have my share of fun. Then what did I do??? Frankly, wasted 8 months(no, last month was fine)... okay 8 months of my life completely without doing anything, living in a dream world because the reality was not what I wanted. I stuck to the goods of my past and never cared unwrap my present.  Towards the end of it I was totally frustrated and one fine day I decided to have everything back... everything that I had lost in this journey. Life changed drastically..I changed.

Beyond my imagination after so much of healing time I want to love again. Beyond doubt, I think I am able to love. I just think for a moment of the loving feelings that I had for a very special person in my life. How happy I was at that time, knowing that my love was bringing happinesses to another person. I was in love with life itself-every part of it, good and bad, painful and pleasant. I told myself to nurture such attitude. If I was able to love then, it is likely that I am capable of loving again now. I have nothing to loose but plenty to gain.

-sp

I wanna give myself a new chance now..

Spreadlove, you didnot waste 8 months. You learnt how are the feelings to be in love. Aren't they worthy?Learn to respect your feelings.

Life goes on and will go on. Not once, not twice, you can be in love numerous times.    

 

"It's not a question.But a lesson learned in time.It's something unpredictable.But in the end is right."................. ( Green Day I think)

Spreadlove/NG,

No one can measure the depth of ur wound nor can anyone feel it as much as u do... U certainly did something that not all can do.... Hats off to the attitude u r carrying... Thats the spirit my fren.... U got a long way ahead - u will get across, some part with company and some all by urself....At the end u will find everything right...  Remember - "Good things come along when u are with good people" So, my best wishes for the happiness u deserve !!!!

awww.. you should def give yourself a new chance. after all, every mr/miss wrong will teach us a valuable lesson- what not to look for.
i guess we learn from each and every relationship but the ones that dont work teach us to appreciate the one that will.
sometimes people wreck their lives in holding on too long. they mistake their misery for selflessness, sacrifice and true love.. areee let go nai garna nasakne kasari hoss true love? tyo bhanchhan ni oscar wilde le "to love oneself is the beginning of a life long romance." come to think of it, it really is...
the fact that you have such a mature stance towards this whole thing means you are a wonderful person and believe me, someone lucky will appreciate that.

maya k ho ta malai thaa chaina.. tara yetti thaa chha ki maya bhaneko kunai chocolate haina, ek patak khayera sakinne..

 

 

 

Nepalki chori: You are right. Now I look at it with new eyes. those 8 months went on for diving deep into myself and understand my worthiness. Thanks for providing a true mirror.

sun shine: thanks for the wishes and of course I have already exposed my self to the sun shine....

rubylove: you too are very wonderful person to convey such lovely message of love. thanks billions,

Well guys,

As its been said, if a chunk of your happiness or life misses, its painful.I would rather say it not only pain, its never-ending agony.

Truly saying ......, I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.

I know she loved me a lot once, may be more than herself. But when she told she'd lost that feeling of  love, the first thing came into me was shock followed by anger and disappointment. I cried to myself  for the loss. Then I started negotiations. But things didn't work. Then I thought I started hating her so immensely that I hated everything about her.

But trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew. I couldn't forget her. I wanted then to give new dimension to the way I related to her. Thought to be friends. But time and again when she discussed her on-going relation with someone else I felt tortured and became abusive.

"I lived in torture, thinking of those moments...every look he gave  her, I got sicker and sicker...
There's a burning in me. I felt on fire, and there's guilt, and I couldn't get rid of either..".

Old flames still smolder, especially when they're early love affairs, which leave a particularly vivid mark in our minds. Reawakening such a romance can be an incendiary experience—intensely passionate and dangerous to trifle with."

But..but..but....again when alone, I said to myself why to punish little girl or myself. One falls in love with someone near and someone who cares. I got the answer. I forgave you. I now want to see you happy. My love feelings for you are diluting but sense of humanity and feelings of co-operation has come forward which seeks your co-operation.

I now feel comfortable with this transformation and want to calm the past and begin new future where even your good far presence won't become nostalgic for me for you had been once a foundation of my fondest dream and treasure of life time.

"Bavra mann dekhne chala ek sapna,
bavre se mann ki dekho, bavri hain baatein
bavri si dhadkanein hain, bavri hain saansein"

Regards

-sp

Spreadlove,
As name suggested, it sounds true of ur nick name at the end. It took hell of so long time to get you this point. Of course, your decision is the best one in the situation. But the question is whether you'll truly be able to get changed in real life as you said,'' that's the main thing ...!''

Good luck! and it's inspiring to many !

Apologies for the nick name ambiguity. I am NepaliGladiator and spreadlove both. Actually I posted initially as NG and later forgot the login credential for it. Was not able to retrieve what so ever and created new nick as spreadlove. I have now written down the login credential safely. Hopefully wont forget again....

Ok that being said:

ALSON Nepal: thanks for your gud luck chuck wish. You make a valid point here. It took long for me to get to the point where I am now. I've said tons about me changing. The question is whether I land in practical implementation of it. Let me tell you this:

I have always been experiencing the side-effects of being a "bindaas guy". No one takes you seriously. Even your utmost sincerity is mistaken for another one of those stupid jokes. But self-realizations at least is a step forward to do what I say, right?

-sp

Nepali-gladiator, Nice one. My story is somewhat like yours. I was in a relationship for 7 years. Before that I was alone and single. He was my best friend before we started dating. I am an attractive,smart woman who simply never knew how to approach guys.We finally got married one year ago in Nepal. Things were so different after marriage. I felt unloved, he started staying with his friends as he has lots of female friends. We were drifting apart day by day.One fine day I accidentally; opened his sex email to his female friend.I approached him but he denied. Recently, he gave me a Divorce papers on my Birthday. One year 3 months marriage was over. It hurt me a lot. I thought my entire world was going to collapse. Its been 4 months since he filed for a Divorce. I am getting over it ( not really). Now he wants to come back to me but I do not want him back. I want to get over this soon. It takes time to heal but I know I will get there. I dont know about loving again but I  certainly do not trust any men.

Check out this video.

i dint read the whole story but the way people are replying...amazing gladiator!!!!!!  keep up the good work....@dance zone: a bend in the road is not the end of the road unless u fail to make the turn...gud luck

Naya Nepali, Thanks!! But you know its easy to say than done. Sooner or later I have to get over it. We woman are so stupid sometimes. He cheated on me few times while we were in relationship. I forgave him hoping he would make some changes since I have invested 7 years of my life with him. Well his life still remained the same even after our marriage. I am never looking back again. This man has hurt me so much in our 7 years of life together. Well not anymore. He aint worth it!! He took me for granted because he knew I would forgive him every time he makes a mistake. I know we all are humans and we do make mistakes but we usually learn from our mistakes and never repeat it again. It was not that way with me. I quit for good this time!! I am so much happier now; than, when I was him.

@NG SP,

Really hurt touching and story matches mine. But i was not strong like you to come out if it on my own, n had to take depression pills to get out of it though we never even touched each other.

I am not great like you to forgive for wat she did wid me 'playing wid my innocent feeling' and can;t even curse her. But I am comptlely out of it. I was replacing me for you for other parts. Thanx nice experience share. got to konw that I am not alone.

Alchhethigro

Sad but true......when u love someone..either u gonna be happy or u gonna get hurt and I know how it feels bahnera...I hab been there n done that too....n wid da same gal...so many times....We broke up after 3 yrs relationship n she was the one who dumped me....n after dat i realized the real part of me.....I was hiding myself within her all the time.....N I was the one who was foolish to love her so much....But after we broke up..i found the true side of me.....It was hard for me to get over her..buh I kept tellinf myself..Everythin happens for a reason n wat happens..happens for gud....Noe I am happy and enjoying my life without her...n da funny thing is my ex wants me back in her life....

Newar, have no grudges against her pal. You will move along with time.
Love is patient, love is kind. It
does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it
is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of
wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It
always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."
He who knew how much I loved him did not realize. He who broke me into thousand of pieces didnot feel the pain he caused me. It took me some time to move on and now he wants to come back but no!! no!! way it will ever happen; because I know he will hurt me again. All I can do is to wish him luck,happiness,joy and laughter in his life or whatever he undertakes.
" You don't know its there till its gone"

well, i do not totally agree with you all. Did you ever love her??? ................... you had mentioned, she ...............like the "God."   She is a human being like us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!