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 need to send depressed guy back to nepal... help ??

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Posted on 12-20-11 3:47 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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 hi to everyone,
 
 
    there is a friend of mine in depresssion, he has been in the states for little over 4 years.... his situation can't be worst than this.
 
.. to explain, he quit college 2yrs ago, he wrecked his car while driving under influence, doesn't speak at all about the problems, cries often, don't eat anything, short circuited his laptop by spilling wine over,no showers,sleeps day and night, walks to the nearby grocery store to get  wine and gutkha  early in the morning while other are asleep. all my friends including his own cousins are totally tired and can't take this anymore. he owes more than 4 months rent and groceries close to $ 1000 per guy. his depression,thoughts, manners, almost zero english skills are disliked at workplaces so in past few months he couldn't stay in  jobs more than a week..  at this difficult time our small circle of close friends and his relatives have decided to do whatever it takes to send him to nepal at the least cost. but he totally denies to go to nepal, he would rather be homelesss here in states. his family is not supportive either. 
 
this is the case wid him. we at this point are looking for ways to send him back.  we would be more than happy to hear  coool sajhaities opinions, ideas, similar experiences and advices...   thank you alll and happy holidays... 
 
 
   
 
Last edited: 20-Dec-11 03:57 PM

 
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Posted on 12-27-11 11:47 AM     [Snapshot: 4362]     Reply [Subscribe]
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What do you think the focus of this thread should be?

 
Posted on 12-27-11 12:00 PM     [Snapshot: 4385]     Reply [Subscribe]
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http://sajha.com/sajha/html/index.cfm?threadid=94892#846894
I thought about stealing some ideas from the above thread:

We have different options to inspire this man out of his depression. Which of these below would be effective do you all think?
1) Praise him - focus on the positive and tell him all the positive things that are happening in his life instead of focussing on all the things that are going negatively
2) Pay him - pay him with compliments, positive thoughts, inspiring quotes, anecdotes
3) Shame him - yell at him, tell him he's useless, make him feel bad
4)  Respect him - empathise with him and show that we all have at one point or another been depressed and down. Tell him how other people helped us out of this situation. Show him that anyone could be in his situation and show how they got out of that situation.
5) Appeal to their sense of humanity - inspire him by telling him how if he gets his act together, what a positive impact he could have in other people's/Nepalese life
6) Appeal to their conscience - try to explain to him how him being depressed is affecting the other people in his life.
7) help him dream - try to paint a very positive picture of his life 20 years from now that takes into account all the things that motivate him.

 


 
Posted on 12-27-11 2:22 PM     [Snapshot: 4426]     Reply [Subscribe]
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I am quite sure that I know who this person is. This is his story. This is how he got the personality that he got. This is why he is depressed.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sanjeev was a top student in class two. He topped every class except English. English was Sanjeev’s weak subject. But other than that, he had the highest numbers in every test in class two. His parents were really proud of their son’s accomplishment. They paraded him around in family gatherings, beaming with joy, telling their relatives about Sanjeev’s educational accomplishments.

But as Sanjeev grew up, his father noticed that his son kept blinking his eyes over and over. He was 10 years old and everytime he started to watch TV or to do his homework, he would start squinting and blinking. Sanjeev’s father, Roshan, had the latest style of leather jacket. He was very conscientious of how he looked while on his raised Honda motorbike. Looks and fashion were very important for Roshan.

"What a bad habit you have Sanjeev," his father, Roshan said, whacking the son on the back of his head. "Stop blinking your eyes like that."

Year after year, Sanjeev's eyes kept blinking more and more. He kept squinting and blinking. His parents found his squinting and blinking very unattractive. They really wished their child would stop doing it. It made the kid look a little bit crazy. In their desperation to make the child stop, they hit him every time they caught him doing it. It was their way of discouraging the child from doing it.

Finally, when he is about 15 years old, his parents took him to a doctor. The doctor did a thorough checkup and said, "Oh my goodness, this boy’s eyes have been getting successively worse year after year. That is why he has been blinking so much. Why didn't you bring him to me much sooner? He should have been wearing thick glasses years ago. Now this issue has caused permanent damage to your son."

When they took Sanjeev back home, Roshan profusely apologized to Sanjeev that they had missed all the cues. Sanjeev said, "But what about all the hittings I got for all those years? What about all my pain that I went through all those years when you didn't understand what I was going through? How is your sorry going to make up for the permanent damage I am going to suffer from for the rest of my life?"

Sanjeev’s father, Roshan, glared at his son. Here he was, the father, apologizing to his son, but Sanjeev seemed rude and rebellious to his apologies. Who did Sanjeev think he was? Roshan didn’t have to apologize to anyone. He was the father in this house dammit. Roshan did not owe Sanjeev anything. Sanjeev had not brought any income to this house or contributed here in anyway. Why did Roshan need to feel guilty towards Sanjeev?

After this incident, Roshan was very hesitant to put himself in a vulnerable position of apologizing to his son. He was afraid that Sanjeev might use the situation to lash back at Roshan. Roshan became very cautious in how he interacted with Sanjeev. He almost seemed to fear his son in some ways. It was almost like interacting with his son had the power to open up deeply held childhood wounds within Roshan. Wounds that he had locked away in a deep safe when he was a young child in his father's house.

Roshan became very cautious in looking at any signs of hostility from his son and did whatever he needed to quell Sanjeev’s indignancy and rebellion. Roshan was going to crush it in Sanjeev with whatever it took. He was the father and would be damned if he was going to sit quietly in his own house with Sanjeev becoming more arrogant and feeling more entitled and angry. Roshan was not going to be a sitting duck in his own house. He was going to nip Sanjeev's attitude in the bud.

Any small deviation did not go unnoticed. And the hittings and kicks came swiftly and strong. Sanjeev bore it all, gritting his teeth.

Sanjeev’s marks in school was dropping each year. Each successive year he seemed to be doing worse in school then the last. He seemed to lose interest in school. Sanjeev got in more fights in school with the other boys. He seemed drawn to the rougher kids.

Roshan saw this and winced. Sanjeev overheard his father talking to the neighbors explaining how Sanjeev had become a problem child.
So Sanjeev was not surprized that father's getting physical only increased.

But all the hitting did not quell the fire burning within Sanjeev. The more Roshan beat his son, the more wild, bitter and determined Sanjeev seemed to get. His mother worried what was happening between father and son. This going back and forth seemed to be ripping the peace in the family apart. 
Sanjeev wasn't listening to her anymore. He seemed more callous, more hardened. He had a feral look in his dark eyes. It was almost like he enjoyed fighting, hitting others and getting beaten by his father. She could see the look of satisfaction in his eyes, like a bear that emerged from a bloody tussle. It was like he was communicating to his father that his father was weak and he, Sanjeev was strong. Sanjeev, through his steady stares at his father, despite how much his father beat him, seemed to say, "You don't have the power to change me." It was almost like Sanjeev was controlling his father through his bad behavior.

The worse Sanjeev acted, Roshan had no other choice but to beat and kick Sanjeev. And though dressed in bruises, Sanjeev smiled bitterly and defiantly back at his father. He, Sanjeev, had caused his father to raise his hand on him. His father was a weak weak man who had no other choice but to do so.

Roshan would hit Sanjeev and curse at him, but he would avoid looking directly into Sanjeev's eyes. He just couldn't. Sanjeev, meanwhile, would look penetratingly and deeply into Roshan's eyes with a wicked smile on his face and then raise his eyebrows at his mother.

And as much as Sanjeev was winning the battle at home, he was losing the war in other places. Over time, Sanjeev started to lose his memory. He would feel lost and not know where he was. He would sit queitly for long hours on the benches in Ratna park or under the Peepal tree in New Road, just gazing at the random vendors passing by. Tempos, minibuses and taxis would roll by caressed by Sanjeev's uncaring glance.

It wasn't any better in school. It was very hard for Sanjeev to focus on school. He didn't seem to enjoy socializing and having fun. The other kids in school his age would make fun of him behind his back, but they were afraid to say anything directly in front of him. Sanjeev's gritted jaws and his piercing eyes held them back. It didn't take a lot to set his fiery fists pummelling.

In private, these kids would gossip about Sanjeev. They made up all kinds of stories saying he was crazy and had mental problems. Few of them understood what Sanjeev was going through with his dad at home. Few cared. Sanjeev was just a source of entertainment for them. So they embellished the stories they told about him. Each would tell about some interaction that they had with Sanjeev in bigger more colorful words than the other. They competed in ridiculing Sanjeev. Their vicious words tried to eradicate the fear that Sanjeev had instilled deeply in them. And strangely, they walked away from tiffin time, feeling good painting him as a useless clout.

Last edited: 27-Dec-11 05:23 PM

 
Posted on 12-27-11 2:58 PM     [Snapshot: 4483]     Reply [Subscribe]
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definately homey jee,
                                      ur writing style and content of writing is amazing and this is all kalpanik i guess and the way of ur thinking is also really different and unique and good . i don't understood one thing though is that blinking of eye thing caused by beating of father sanjeev to roshan i am sorry i didn't understood that part . seems like behind every depressed person lies history may be sad history may be good really homey jee i like the way u see the things in really deep from the root amazing please keep it up .
 
Posted on 12-27-11 4:00 PM     [Snapshot: 4558]     Reply [Subscribe]
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better to send him..
 
Posted on 12-27-11 6:42 PM     [Snapshot: 4640]     Reply [Subscribe]
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 होमे कान्छो, फेसबुक/इन्टरनेटमा भेट्टाको कथा लाई भको-नभको कुरा थपेर लम्बेतान बनाउन जस्लाई नि आउँछ! अनि "मैले त्यो केटालाई चिन्या छु, यो तेस्को कथा", भनेर कस्लाई उल्लु बनाउन खोज्या? काम छैन, ट्याम ट्याममा नचाहिँदो बक्वास लिएर आउछ! अरुले लाइक गरुन, ओहो-आहा गरुन, साझामा नाम कमाउन पाइयोस भन्ने ठुलै धोको छ जस्तो छ तिम्रो। लौ वाह-वाह खोज्या होइन? एत्रै सिती, दिएँ मैले तिम्लाई thumbs down!
 
intelligent बाबु, तिमी चाँही होमे जस्ताको बक्वास लेख पढेर वाह वाह गरेर तिघ्रा ठटाइराख! नकचरो nas देखिन हरिलठ्ठक होमे सम्म सबैको तारिफ गरिराख! नाम चाँही intelligent रे, काम हेर्यो ताइ न तुइ! हुन त हाम्रो नेपाली समाज नै तेस्तै छ; घनबहादुर सँग धन हुँदैन, नेत्रलाल अन्धो हुन्छ, अनि वीरबहादुर एक नम्बरको डरछेरुवा हुन्छ!

babal khate: i don't think using just one approach will help. regardless of who tries to set him straight, i think, she/he'll have to use a combination of all of those approaches. 
 
Last edited: 27-Dec-11 06:43 PM

 
Posted on 12-27-11 7:03 PM     [Snapshot: 4657]     Reply [Subscribe]
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mahodaya jantare1,
                                   hazor le dislike garno bhako rahecha kina hola easto ramro lekh cha rachana cha creativity pani cha maile mahodaya jantare1 ko kura bujhna nasakera like garde phere . ramro bhaneko ramro ho naramro bhaneko naramro ho thik bhaneko pakkai pani thik ho bethik bhaneko pakkai pani bethik ho . pakkai pani mahodaya homey jee ko lekhai sandarvik cha ra make sence pani huncha nepal tera bau ama le chora chori kutno bhaneko kunai naulo kura hoina teacher le student kutno kunai thulo hoina student student bicha ma jhagada hunu kunai thulo kura hoina pakkai pani mahodaya jantare1 jeu le bhaneko kura nikai nai sandarvik cha make sence hune type ko cha tara malai eauta kura le rahasya ma pario i got the impression tyo ke ho bhane ke sachikai tyo bau sanjeev le aafno chora roshan lai kutera testo nalayak banaeko hota ki choro roshan nai fataha ho yo chai rahasya nai hune bho jaba samma honey jee aafai yo rahasya kholno hunna. 
                                    mahodaya jantare1 lai kina homeyjee ko lekhai naramro lageko ho maile chai bujhna sakena easto ramro easto sandarvik cha . about nas i have already made my point by making thread that i am not chamcha of nas i even went in his site and asked him am i your chamcha he said no so no i am not his chamcha definately not . mahodaya jantare1 ramro bhaneko ramro ho ra ramro lai wah wah bhannu pakkai pani ramro kura ho
 
Posted on 12-27-11 7:36 PM     [Snapshot: 4664]     Reply [Subscribe]
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 intelligent guy, 
i agree that whay homey wrote here MIGHT BE (i'm not saying IS, stress on MIGHT BE) saandarbhik, assuming that the guy this thread is dedicated to went crazy because of torture from his father. but the thing is home lied saying that he knows the guy and what he wrote is the guy's story. but, the truth is, what homey wrote is nothing but a stretched story found on facebook. observing homey's trend of writing and response in threads, it's pretty clear to me that this guy is after popularity - one way or the other. i'm not saying gaining popularity is a bad thing. but it is bad when you post lies and same thing over and over again.
don't agree with my stand about homey's lie? here, please your rods and cones: 
http://sajha.com/sajha/html/index.cfm?threadid=94522
homey himself posted the same story back in november, and edited today (link above); and now he uses the same story to claim that he knows the guy we are talking about.

 
Posted on 12-27-11 8:05 PM     [Snapshot: 4718]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Jantare,

I'm not exactly sure what it is that you are trying to say about me. Please at least try to be direct. Be straightforward. I'm right here.
Last edited: 27-Dec-11 08:25 PM

 
Posted on 12-27-11 8:38 PM     [Snapshot: 4748]     Reply [Subscribe]
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aba nepalima lekhya ni nabujhyaa ho ki bujhera ni bujh pachaako ho, thaha bhayena. ma mero time waste gardina yaha. jatinjel samma tyo pachayeko bujh farkidaina, maile maathi lekhyaa kura dohoryai-teheryai padha. 
 
Posted on 12-28-11 1:22 AM     [Snapshot: 4815]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Jantare,

In that case, since I don't value your opinion, I don't feel it necessary to respond to it. Hope you don't mind.

 
Posted on 12-28-11 9:59 AM     [Snapshot: 4923]     Reply [Subscribe]
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@Jantarei, Is it true that you work in the healthcare field? So in that case, you have the most experience here amongst us to give suggestion.
I like your idea of using a combination of approaches. Can you be more specific about what that would practically look like? What do you mean about using a combination of approaches? How would it help this depressed guy?

 
Posted on 12-28-11 10:04 AM     [Snapshot: 4924]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Intelligent guy, I don't think that the blinking of the eye was *caused* by the father beating. This is what is written in the story:

Finally, when he is about 15 years old, his parents took him to a doctor. The doctor did a thorough checkup and said, "Oh my goodness, this boy’s eyes have been getting successively worse year after year. That is why he has been blinking so much. Why didn't you bring him to me much sooner? He should have been wearing thick glasses years ago. Now this issue has caused permanent damage to your son."


 
Posted on 12-28-11 6:50 PM     [Snapshot: 5055]     Reply [Subscribe]
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yeah...i'm in the healthcare field but i too have limited experience.
what i meant to say is that if you do just one thing to the guy, it most lileky won't work. say, you scold him every single day, or even every single time you see him. you blame him for all the wrongs and his present situation. that'll probably make him more violent. he might think that nobody cares anyways, so there's no bad in worsening the situation that's already bad. on the other hand, if you praise him, speak nice words all the time, he might take advantage of that. say you show care towards him, keep on paying his rent and keep on feeding him without saying anything bad. that'll make him more like a parasite. he'll keep on sucking you.

i think, he needs someone he trusts and can't say "NO" to, generally. could be his mom, dad, lover, best friend, anyone. somebody needs to make him aware of his present situation compared to the past (which hopefully was better), and question him how he wants his future to be. if he doesn't care where he'd end up, i don't think much can be done. but if he wants to get in a better position and is wiling to put his effort, maybe he'll get back on track. more about combination of things (given that he is wiling to work hard): help him with his rent and stuff but give him certain duration to find a job and maybe even help him find a job; show him the good sides of having income. since he's out of school for 2 years, i bet he's out of status and he doesn't want to go back. saying that you will complain to DHS and immigration services if he doesn't start looking for a job might get him moving.

praise him for even small things he does. let's assume that he lies on his bed all day. if he even gets up and goes out for a walk, that's a good start. encourage him into physical activities - take him to gym with you, or play soccer and stuff. and when he does something good, say that it was great, get him going. i don't know what else to say; i don't know the person and his condition. his roommates know him better, they can try these and many more things to get him back in track. but if the guy himself doesn't show any interest and wants lo live on his roommates' expenses, it's better to ask his parents to take responsibility of him or report him to DHS and hope that he gets deported.

i saw another thread come out just a while ago on the same issue. it seems like people come here to the states with much higher expectations and some people like this guy break down when they don't get that. or, they are simply spoiled kids back home trying to get away with their habits here as well.

 
Posted on 12-28-11 7:48 PM     [Snapshot: 5100]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Jantare,

Your reply was amazing. I have no problem in admiring the positive in the words you wrote even though you could not appreciate the positive in the words I have written on this thread so far.

As they say, "Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder." So that means I have more beautiful eyes than you do. Please don't be envious of my beautiful eyes, ok? I suggest you do eye surgery and make your own eyes beautiful.

Anyway, I agreed with your preion. You are right.

On one hand, if people only give Sanjeev only negative feedback, he will become demoralized and rebellious. That is exactly what happened to him when all his father could do was abuse him. And you are right in saying that if all people do is be sensitive to his problems, he will become a parasite on them and never improve his condition. Well said.  

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reinforcement#Positive_and_negative_reinforcement

I agree with you that Sanjeev needs someone strong in his life that he can trust. He needs a mentor. He needs a support system that is looking out for his long term interest. He needs practical guidance from authority that he can have confidence in.

Jantare, I really liked how you approached finding a solution to this problem. It was a well-thought out solution.

 On the other hand, in saying all of this, perhaps I am actually lying to you just to be popular with you. What do you think?
Last edited: 28-Dec-11 07:57 PM

 
Posted on 12-28-11 7:56 PM     [Snapshot: 5125]     Reply [Subscribe]
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well, glad that what i wrote makes sense but i don't buy your sanjeev's story because:
- you lied saying that you know the guy and what you wrote is his story
- the fact is you lengthened a story that circulates on facebook and presented as yours

and these two points were what i was saying before but your couldn't get the message. and i can't do any better

 
Posted on 12-28-11 8:07 PM     [Snapshot: 5133]     Reply [Subscribe]
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I am actually fascinated that this story circulates in facebook. Can you post the link please? I am going to sue the person who is circulating this story for copyright violation.

Jantare,
I know Sanjeev very well. You are right in saying that he is a good person at heart who didn't have all the advantages that people like you and I did while growing up. When Sanjeev reads the words of advice you wrote to help him, on this thread, he will be very touched. Sanjeev will be very grateful knowing that you, Jantare, are looking out for him, when he cannot look out for his own interest because he is depressed. I know this for sure.
Last edited: 28-Dec-11 08:39 PM

 
Posted on 12-30-11 8:23 AM     [Snapshot: 5267]     Reply [Subscribe]
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 i tried to search that article in facebook didn't found it well i ain't judge and i ain't judging anyone
kunai rog lageko cha manasik tanav cha rog byadha cha saru wa rog lageko cha chinta nagarnos jhakri cha tapai haru ko sewa ko lagey jhak ri le sab rog niko parcha aushadey le niko napareko rog jhakri le thik parcha poisa pani thorai lagne sasto rog byadha je rog lage pani dhami jhakri le thik parno huncha 
                       , moving back to topics, mahodaya dimbagkale until and unless doctor , jhakri , baidhya  approves ur friend is depressed he is not depressed . 




 
Posted on 12-30-11 8:44 PM     [Snapshot: 5358]     Reply [Subscribe]
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intelligent guy, this my fren has been under medication of depression for more than 5 yrs.. he orders his medication from nepal..

i  heard a similar story about raman pandey in newyork.. its sad to hear these kinda news. here is the link.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=2GymESDgJaU

or

https://youtu.be/2GymESDgJaU



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Posted on 02-05-12 4:01 AM     [Snapshot: 5878]     Reply [Subscribe]
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