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 Where did it go wrong? WTF

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Posted on 02-09-13 2:18 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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 Hi all. I am 25 and I am having a serious quarter life crisis. My boring story goes on like this.

 I am from an average middle class family in Nepal, so since the day I landed in states I had to work my ass of to pay bills for my college and living. I was really good with my studies like you know getting good grades in SLC, plus 2 bullshit. Anyways my transition to states was not as bad as I hear of but not really good either. Most of the time I had to be cautious with my bills and sometimes I had to work extra hard or ask my family for financial support to pay the bills and dues. Hard work bla bla bla I did graduate and got offers. Something told me to go for grad school and I started it. And got a few papers published too. I have no regrets whatsoever.

 In the end in retrospection when I look at my personal life it despairs me because at 25 I have very few good friends I can count on. Tonight was the worst when I couldnt even find anybody to drink with. I am a cynic at heart and I tend to have worst first impression. But people who know me from a long time know that despite my acerbic bitterness and hatred towards everything in general, I am a good person at heart like you know somebody you could count on. I know it is not something I should be telling but its true and I got to accept that. With all that existential bullshit, I cant seem to find a stance and position myself and be a person I want to be. I am in a shitty relationship that we both know it is not going to work, and besides that I have no motivation, driving force or an inspiration. All that used to inspire me seems like a total bullshit and despite all that "its a wonderful world" euphemism, I somehow get mad at it. I now have a more difficult time in approaching people to befriend as my self-esteem and self-confidence has gone down the drain. I would rather hide behind my desk. Believe it or not my weight has gone down by some pounds and I am actually scared that I might be heading down the vicious road towards depression.

 Now what the [Disallowed String for - bad word] is happening to me, and how to fix this mess? Last week I went to Barnes and Nobles and got two books on self-help but they have been lying at my desk and I can barely go through a couple of page. I already hate them. I have become a freak. Can you imagine my frustration. I am the same person who used to read at least a couple of books when I was in high school. Its been four years and I havent even finished a single book except that book/ poem collection by Bertolt Bretcht. What the [Disallowed String for - bad word] is happening? Where is my salvation? Am I really a pathetic person? 




 
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Posted on 02-09-13 12:21 PM     [Snapshot: 549]     Reply [Subscribe]
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1)It is good that you do not have friends to drink with coz that is the best way to becoming a drunkard.
  Consider that as a blessing in disguise.

2)Having many friends is way overrated. It is better to have a couple of good friends than tens of mere
  acquaintances. I have just 2 friends and they are overseas.

3)There are many things to do in life to keep you occupied. Try to volunteer, sports, gym, cycling, yoga,
  meditation, watching movies, listening to songs, etc.

4)Never lose your sense of humour. Once you lose that then you lose everything. Watch family guy, etc and if you
  dont find that funny read jokes online. You will find humour in almost everything once you change your
  perception.

5)Find a motivation in life and set a target goal. Be realistic. I have a target goal myself which i had told myself
  that i would achieve in 10 yrs. I could not achieve it. So i extended it by another 5 years and now i am closer to
  achieving it.

6)To be depressed is normal. Everyone has depression at some stage. The only difference being many find a way to cope
  and get over it naturally than through medications. Thankfully as Nepalese, our threshold for pain is higher and our
  ability to recover from pain is much higher.

7)If your gf is giving you a problem, deal with that in a mature way. If problems cannot be solved, it is better to
  move on. It is better for both. Plenty of fish in the sea for both.

8)The last book that i read was also years ago. Many people have this habit of losing interest in reading. This is
  normal. Do not force yourself to read. Once the interest comes back, you will slowly get back to it. Reading articles,
  news, etc online is also reading.

9)Have faith in God. Getting a divine perspective of life gives a newer meaning to life.

10)Each one of us comes with a single entry visa to this world. Some have it for a few days, some for 120 odd years.
   Life is unpredictable but short. Try to be happy and bring happiness to people around you. Keep away from greed,
   selfishness, aggression. When i was in Nepal there were a few times where i have let people cheat me fully knowing
   that i was being cheated. But of course i would tell them that i hoped they would not do that in future. I have never
   fought for money. I believe in karma. Nature has her own way of handling these things. And i was over paid on my first
   job here in USA. When i reported it, they asked me to keep it!. It was 1000 bucks!.

So cheer up brother. You are just 25. Life is a roller coaster ride filled with love but there will be pain as well.
Have patience. Good luck and all the best!. Do keep posting.


 
Posted on 02-09-13 1:22 PM     [Snapshot: 641]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Cheer up boys. This song is dedicated to all single guys who visit sajha.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fWNaR-rxAic



 
Posted on 02-10-13 9:30 AM     [Snapshot: 1055]     Reply [Subscribe]
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 Guys, I am humbled by your earnest opinions. There was a time when I believed that sajha was a homebase for pseudo-intelluctuals with their hackneyed and stereotypical preachings. Some of the things you guys said have really touched my soul.

 Riddle, your comment was great but I don't think I want to compare with anybody else coz' I feel that I cannot measure happiness in that way. Like somebody else in Malaysia might work really hard and save something for his/her family and be very happy and proud about the accomplishment. Or there could be somebody like our very own ex-crown prince Paras who has everything he needs but doesn't seem to find happiness. This lands us back to that old Aristotalian philosophy. Anyways I liked your idea of running. I will try that from today.
old_jeans, you are right. Getting stuck in this status quo and eventually failing to move forward is what scares me the most. Somehow I am not being able to do so and I still dont get why. That's why I used the anonymity of internet forum to reach out and find answers as I am too embarassed to talk about this with my friends/family.
freedom2012, I duly appreciate your effort and time for that itemized perspectives. Although itemized stuff tends to be a distraction for me, yours was pretty stolid and I enjoyed reading it. I loved your perspective on humor. To be honest that is perhaps the most helpful tip I have recieved so far. The visa thing was funny too. Anyways about the relationship drama I just don't want to start as I myself know the solution but I am unable to implement. However I am a affirmed atheist and I plan to study a little bit on Buddhism once I get my rhythm back.

dcgirl, you must be on your early teens. 
 
Last edited: 10-Feb-13 09:30 AM

 
Posted on 02-10-13 11:37 AM     [Snapshot: 1189]     Reply [Subscribe]
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I wasn't literally urging you to compare yourself to people working menial jobs in SE Asia or the middle east. Just trying to comfort you by saying that you're in a significantly better position and you have no reasons to be unhappy with but then again, happiness is relative. 

And yeah, you should definitely go take a run and get more involved. The result of exercising is phenomenal, not just physically but mentally, too. Taking out all your stress, frustrations on the field or the running track will significantly improve your mood, attitude and outlook in general. 

 
Posted on 02-10-13 12:07 PM     [Snapshot: 1182]     Reply [Subscribe]
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To BS- No matter how many advice you get, the real change has to come from within yourself. So here are a few questions for you to answer yourself.

1. How open are you to suggestions? Do you only want to hear the stuff that confirms and reaffirms your pre-established world view or are you able to peek outside the bubble and take things from fresh perspective?

2. For your relationship and friendship problems, looks like so far you are approaching people with a clinched fist rather than an open arms? An open arm usually translates into a warm hug for another person, followed by a smile. Physical proximity might help  but chances are a phone call might just do the right trick as well.

3. May be you are walking with clinched fist due to your own insecurities. Or may be your  ego and machoness is getting in the way. We men (I assumed you are a guy, I maybe wrong) tend to think from the d**k sometimes , you know that thing called testosterone.Can you think rationally about your insecurities and try to improve a few small steps at a time?

4. The fact that you came out and opened about your problem shows you are moving in the right direction. Don't be afraid to ask for help when needed. The world outside might not be as cynical as you presume.


4. Are you able to walk a few miles in somebody else's shoe before judging that person? (for your first impression and cynical persona)

5. Are you a perfectionist inside or better yet are you being too hard on yourself? Finishing masters at 25 sounds like a achievement to me? Are you celebrating small things in life rather than lamenting every nitty gritty stuff? Every morning wake up and fill in the blanks for 
                    I am grateful for __________. See how that goes?

6.Do you take any recreational drugs including weed? ( I am giving you the benefit of doubt here, I have so far assumed you dont do it, no offence)  You dont have to answer it in public forum but you know what to do. Steer away from it.

7. I personally have found inspirational video on TED to be short, to the point and eye opening. It might be worth a shot.

8. Last and foremost, know the difference between lonliness and solitude. They may look the same, but solitude provides you ample opportunity to think and reflect on life. It is a prefect moment for soul searching. So, be grateful for solitude but don't linger on it so much that it ruins your relationship with others. That is one more thing to be grateful for.
 
Cheers and a warm hug your way in the most non-gayish brotherly love possible.

PS I tried to paste a smiley, but looks like my teen years are way behind me.It didn't work. 




 
Posted on 02-10-13 1:23 PM     [Snapshot: 1325]     Reply [Subscribe]
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 forget about getting drunk, I'm getting out of my mind not getting laid 
 
Posted on 02-10-13 7:02 PM     [Snapshot: 1520]     Reply [Subscribe]
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You need to be an egg and then find a chicken in order to get laid.
 
Posted on 02-11-13 10:07 AM     [Snapshot: 1843]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Misery doesn't like a company. Much of your problem alleviate from lack of a good company. Allow me to suggest few things.

First and foremost, nobody will knock your door and ask you if you can be their friend. If somebody did, then run!! Jokes aside, you have to take the initiative to goto places where you will meet people. Talk to your friends, whoever is left now, and see if you can tag along to goto gatherings with them. You will meet new people this way. Be open to friendship from people of every demographic.

Join meetup groups. There are plenty of websites (meetup.com). You must have a hobby or sports that you like. Just going there to play and enjoy will help you earn friends; trust me there are sports of every level out there.

In all of this, be yourself. Don't get into bad crowds and horrible habits.

Let's start with a plan. Tomorrow, I want you to wake up an hour earlier than you normally do. Waking up early in the morning makes your day so much brighter. Do some simple yogas or cardio. This will give you a good start. Now smile and keep a positive outlook. Talk to people, bring that smile in your face and you will feel better (this is a proven method).

Once you have more friends and better company, your perspective will change itself. Having a short-term and 5-10 years plan will also help.

Good luck. Let us know if you need more help.
 
Posted on 02-11-13 10:32 AM     [Snapshot: 1854]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Bittersweet,

Sometimes things are easier to deal with when you realize your place on earth. We are raised with so much expectations and righteousness that it is very easy to fall into the trap that you are falling into.

It helps to understand who you are. You are an animal who belong to the human race who have become more advanced animal because of language and more efficient brain. After thousands of years each of us is bombarded with expectations from family and society that it feels like we are a failure instead of accepting our true worth. Our life is so miniscule compared to the whole universe, we are but a speck of dust, yet during the lifetime of the dust, the dust feels like the king of the world. You are a speck of dust and the best thing for you to do is enjoy your time while you can. Don't worry about others expectations of you, or try to fit into something that you don't want. At the end of the day nothing else matters besides your mental stability. You should keep trying to control your mind till you know how to control your mind, and realize that this life is nothing but experience and what you want to make out of it. You can keep going with the flow of external influences but as long as you learn to be the master of your own mind, then you don't have to worry about a thing.

 
Posted on 02-11-13 10:44 AM     [Snapshot: 1889]     Reply [Subscribe]
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very well said rethink, very well said. We Nepali ppl suffer from living our lives on other ppl's expectations all the time. we often make major life decisions based on other's expectations and can never be happy. the idea what you are just expressed is the same idea bhagwan Krishna told Arjun thousands of years ago in geeta. same idea what Jesus told his deciples with versus like,
Matthew 6:25-34
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?". our life is so short . i think we should focus on living clean, stress free life and dying clean when the time comes.
25 - yr old dude, don't forget you have accomplished so much in this short time. maybe you're coping with stress free life for some times after school without worrying about homeworks or tests.maybe this is the time you wanna pursue your hobby or do things you couldn't do while you were in college due to your busy schedule. did you wanna play some musical instrument, or learn karate etc?
Last edited: 11-Feb-13 10:50 AM

 
Posted on 02-11-13 12:34 PM     [Snapshot: 2013]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Posted on 02-11-13 1:06 PM     [Snapshot: 2057]     Reply [Subscribe]
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I like the sunscreen song
 
Posted on 02-11-13 7:31 PM     [Snapshot: 2220]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Bittersweet_Symphony:

Everyone has to go through the same/similar phase despite of their race/age/sexuality/status/IQ-level etc. :-)

I hope that helps coz by default human nature seems to be relatively happy if they see other going through the same phase.

Anyways, its good that you let it out in this social forum. Trust me dude, there are lots of folks who simply shout out here in nonsensical way in other peoples thread. At least you have your own thread and valid reason to put forward.

~Peace


 
Posted on 02-12-13 5:28 AM     [Snapshot: 2396]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Hi bittersweet symphony,
If it is of any relief let me tell you that I was in a similar situation few years ago. Unfortunately for me, I took anti-depressant for months before I decided to do some mediation and read some books by buddhist monks to get things in order and change somewhat my way of thinking to stay positive.

What really struck me when reading your posting is not the problem you are facing as it seems quite common as many here seem to have faced as well but it is the subject of your posting itself.

I too pondered for many months why I was different and why others seemed to not face similar problems in life or why their life seemed better than mine. I started looking at my upbringing and understood why I am the way I am. I was sent to a boarding school at the age of 7 until 12. I hated it. I used to cry, run away from the house when it was time to go back to the boarding school after each vacation. The whole boarding school experience was a torture for me. Getting beaten up and bullied by elders, hostel staffs, not being able to see my own brother who was older than me but was in another building of the same boarding school when I felt venerable. But then the atmosphere at home was not any better. My mom is depressed and has always been. My dad was a workaholic who was never home. My dad never spent much time with us or took the family anywhere and my mom complained about it a lot. They used to argue all the time. Thankfully my dad was not a violent man. I could feel that my dad expected a lot from us when we got older. He expected us to make him proud by holding some prestigious positions in jobs or by earning tons of money. Sometimes I even felt like he was ashamed of us. He was nicer to other people and kids of his colleagues but hardly cracked a smile at us. My mom on the other hand worries a lot. If I have a problem, I don’t even tell my mom and because if I do my problem will become ten times worse. She used to constantly argue and make us feel guilty. In brief, my childhood was not that great.
I sometimes wondered why I was living a lonely life so far from home. I make a decent living here. But my parents back home are quite well off. I could have a comfortable life back home. But I want to do something of my own. And most importantly, I want to be far away from the atmosphere that is at my parents place. My parents sleep in different rooms. They hardly eat together on the table. But I do see them sharing jokes and laughing a lot together. And this gives me some hope and makes me want to go visit them sometimes.


 
Posted on 02-12-13 11:30 AM     [Snapshot: 2503]     Reply [Subscribe]
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These are a few transcripts from J.K. Rowling's Harvard Commencment Speech. For some odd reason, I like it even better than Steve Job's Stanford speech. I went through the same crisis you did but now I am glad that I rode the tide. It makes you stronger and more determined afterwards.

"Half my lifetime ago, I was striking an uneasy balance between the ambition I had for myself, and what those closest to me expected of me."

"Ultimately, we all have to decide for ourselves what constitutes failure, but the world is quite eager to give you a set of criteria if you let it. So I think it fair to say that by any conventional measure, a mere seven years after my graduation day, I had failed on an epic scale. "

"Now, I am not going to stand here and tell you that failure is fun. That period of my life was a dark one, and I had no idea that there was going to be what the press has since represented as a kind of fairy tale resolution. I had no idea then how far the tunnel extended, and for a long time, any light at the end of it was a hope rather than a reality."

"Failure gave me an inner security that I had never attained by passing examinations. Failure taught me things about myself that I could have learned no other way."

"The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive. You will never truly know yourself, or the strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity. Such knowledge is a true gift, for all that it is painfully won, and it has been worth more than any qualification I ever earned."

"So given a Time Turner, I would tell my 21-year-old self that personal happiness lies in knowing that life is not a check-list of acquisition or achievement. Your qualifications, your CV, are not your life, though you will meet many people of my age and older who confuse the two. Life is difficult, and complicated, and beyond anyone’s total control, and the humility to know that will enable you to survive its vicissitudes."

"So why do I talk about the benefits of failure? Simply because failure meant a stripping away of the inessential. I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me. Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena I believed I truly belonged. I was set free, because my greatest fear had been realised, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea. And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life."

                                                                                                                        - J. K. Rowling




 
Posted on 02-12-13 1:22 PM     [Snapshot: 2629]     Reply [Subscribe]
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One thing I have notice abt failure is u have to remain in positive circle not with someone who pulls your leg or want to destroy u by any means.
Remaining within positive circles somehow create waves of positive energy, and hence success.
 
Posted on 02-13-13 9:31 AM     [Snapshot: 2852]     Reply [Subscribe]
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as iindra jee have said, that is true , one has to stay away from fasccist group who will uses any means to destroy , and should be close with positive guys,
but i also wants to add that one also needs to have healthy work envirn, a person usually spends 1/3 of life working , so success is guided by that too, u have to maintain healthy relationship with coworker and stay awy from senior coworker even though fren who has mentality of torturing as if u r in SS camp to junior with less exp in THAT field.
so positive ppl with positive work envirn also means success.
 
Posted on 02-18-13 1:31 AM     [Snapshot: 3107]     Reply [Subscribe]
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how can u forget me,peeeoriadentist
THis dentist and family, whereever they have put their foot, have destroyed the realtionship, if it was between brothers , or between sisters or even if between husband and wwife, they first  enter house with so friendly manner

if dont believe , have proof of neibours, even relatives , or even their own mamaandmaiju,this time became succesful again  with the help of baramase wife as a coordiantor , and lima karna, suumita ammatya, depace zoci help as well as some mandale group help
god is great,he will punish later if not now to culprits

for u will be fine as god is with u.
 
Posted on 02-26-13 5:19 PM     [Snapshot: 3307]     Reply [Subscribe]
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 Hi guys, 
I waited for a couple of weeks because I wanted to see if I could change my life in some ways and I did take some of your advices/perspectives into account. After all action speaks more than words.
First of all thanx to riddle, old_jeans, freedom2012,  junkynfunky, kiddo, rethink, pshrestha78, no_more_crush, ghampani, inndrashres, darling etc... I really appreciate you guys taking your time in putting forward your opinions so eloquently. Although I wouldn't brag that my life has drastically changed, it did change a little and I guess little things do matter in the end.

So to start up I started running. I ran and ran. First couple of days it was hard but I kept pushing. I felt so angry for some reasons in the beginning but gradually I kept doing it. Now I have been doing that for quite a time now. Yesterday I hit 4 mile in 34 mins (with a 5 min break) and I am pretty happy about it. I feel so much relaxed. Besides that I have gone to gym twice but I really want to be there more often. I know I am a slacker but I am still trying.
 Following kiddo's advice I joined couple of meetup groups (meetup.com) and I have already made two new friends, one of them lives near me. I never really wanted to hang out with Indian for some reasons (Not coz I had that mentalitiy of hating all Indians which I think is stupid anyways. After all in terms of human evolution we are closer to them than to caucasians or any other kind..Just saying). So far he has been a nice lad. I, in fact opened myself for some change (just like what junkynfunky mentioned). 
 I have been finding (or still trying) new hobbies, approaching people without skepticism, and doing things that I used enjoy. I think I am starting to like outdoor stuffs. Still I feel like I am not there yet. But even a failed start is a good start. I hope everybody in my situation/position can feel better and be able to enjoy life.
Thanks for reading this. I appreciate your time.
Adieu!
 
Posted on 02-26-13 6:19 PM     [Snapshot: 3374]     Reply [Subscribe]
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@bittersweet,

that is a good start!. One thing you always have to remember is that in order to enjoy life, you have to be happy. In order to be happy, you need to remove the bad energy within you.

Anger, Hate, Jealousy, Greed never lets one be happy. This is where sacrifice comes in. Many a times, you have to lose just in order to build on your positive energy. Once you make that a habit, you will find happiness in letting others win. Life is not always about winning!.

All the best once again.
 



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