Bittersweet,

Sometimes things are easier to deal with when you realize your place on earth. We are raised with so much expectations and righteousness that it is very easy to fall into the trap that you are falling into.

It helps to understand who you are. You are an animal who belong to the human race who have become more advanced animal because of language and more efficient brain. After thousands of years each of us is bombarded with expectations from family and society that it feels like we are a failure instead of accepting our true worth. Our life is so miniscule compared to the whole universe, we are but a speck of dust, yet during the lifetime of the dust, the dust feels like the king of the world. You are a speck of dust and the best thing for you to do is enjoy your time while you can. Don't worry about others expectations of you, or try to fit into something that you don't want. At the end of the day nothing else matters besides your mental stability. You should keep trying to control your mind till you know how to control your mind, and realize that this life is nothing but experience and what you want to make out of it. You can keep going with the flow of external influences but as long as you learn to be the master of your own mind, then you don't have to worry about a thing.