Trump Says He Will Sue Everyone in Wisconsin

MILWAUKEE (The Borowitz Report)—In a sharply worded post-election threat on Tuesday night, the Republican Presidential candidate Donald J. Trump said that he intended to sue the entire population of Wisconsin “for everything it’s worth.”

In his terse remarks, Trump departed from the customs of political concession speeches by failing to congratulate the evening’s winner or thank his supporters, instead sternly warning the people of Wisconsin to “lawyer up.”

“By the time my attorneys are through with you, I’m going to own your entire state, lock, stock, and barrel,” he said. “Not that I want to own it. Wisconsin is a freaking dump.”