broken heart shattered into pieces

i am nepali normal guy aged 21
now in US

working in gas station, i hate it. though i have to do it. i can say i am forced to do it. i have been here in US less than 1 and half year but i hate it, but i want to stay here, i don't know, whats the chemical between hate and wanting ? want to stay in US, i don't think its desire i think its want.

i have my parents back in Nepal, a small family. i had a dream once before landing to US frm that united airlines. i had a dream. i will study hard, earn money, send back some earning back home though my dad do not have financial hardship back in nepal, to make him even more richer !!!!!!!!!!

had a dream ! i spoiled it. now i am not going to college. i work in gas station 7 $ hour. don't know when kale gonna shot me. pakistani gives me order to fill the cooler and ice bag, tells me to be in time. owner pays me hardly 1500$ monthly. 500$ rent of apartment. shit ! never thought abt it. had a dream!

i am fuc*ked up, i am getting more mad day by day, thinking nothing more than shit. i used to think i am lucky, hell luck where am i now ? ringing the price of gatorade, marlboro lights, newport, cigarillos, rolling blunts, hell

taking money frm cash registers, it sucks but i have to. how am i gonna survive here without extra money frm cash register of that pakistani. ohhhhhh now pakistani gets some smells abt my dids. he can't call cops, cause i am working illegally and he hired me illegally. so, paki says to me that he wants me to send to his another frens store and now i am here waiting for one single customer from 6 AM in the morning, and now its 9 15 AM, there is not a single soul i get entering the store. I m waiting, waiting for my dream! i said i had a dream !

i am not getting pessimistic here, though i am not that optimistic. i am not going to loose this battle. if i loose this battle i know i am living dead. i am like tiger who knows when, where and how to attack and what to attack ?

i m making myself ready for that, i ain't gonna loose . i am going to win.
my life the way i am walking now, i don't know and i haven't seen the end, my life where it goes, how it gonna ..... ohhhhh my thoughts

now after go back to apartment watch TV make rice and chicken have it. smoke some pot than watch history channel sometime CNN go to bed. again morning go to work.

same routine everyday. i am waiting here for my dream everyday. i am content for now what i have ? but i ain't content for my whole life. something exciting, something suspense, something thrilling, u know in like movies. i watch movies a lot. I have seen "indecent proposal" ohhhhhhhh its awesome. if u haven't seen it just take a look at it, only after smoking some green, then u will know the real taste of that movie. i din't cry after i watch that movie but u might cry.

i am waiting here for my dream, a dream which i have always dreamed. i am a dreamer !

i have red rose in my hand, i am waiting to give it to someone, i am supposed to give it to someone but i don't know who she/he is. i waited for a long time, now i am worried that rose gonna dry up. i am worried.

i had a dream.

Kata kata afnai story jastai lagyo...hahahaha...........tara bro le "jadi buti" sewan garera lekhya jasto chha.

JE hos, afno purano din haru yaad ayo yaar

hope your dreams come true. you need to work on it, instead of feeling victimized or thinking that things will fall into your lap. and your optimistic attitude will go a long way. your life is better than mine in one respect: you get to smoke pot and watch the history channel every day!

...... red rose.... waiting to give it to someone...........but i don't know who she/he is..... He or She both is OK for you? Do you know who you are--I mean "He" or "She"? as you want to stay in US, don't worry people here accept if it is "he" and "he", or "she" and "she". :)

thopa,

you better call it ' AN American Dream' !

do not worry thopa you are half way there !

Everyone goes through that phase. Please keep optimistic looks towards life. You will succeed....if you take this as an step towards your dream.....just try to get out of it ...or grow out of it with an unscathed ability to dream.

Dont leave school...take fewer credits. Study harder and apply for out of state fee waivers...maintain your GPA...and 1500 will be enough to support you. If you dont go to bars and waste money, u will have enough money to send home even. Just dont let all of this downtrodd you.

Pretty much all of us students have to go through this in one phase or the other. This will what make a person out of you!

Kudos! Dont let the hope die.

Felicity

Katai tyo kaale lagayera marne tehi gas station ko malik ta haina??? Tesle illegal kaam garnelai Cops ko ma dina nasake ni arkai lagayera shoot garna ta sakchha hola ni......ghotala gareko thaha payera....

Felicity you are such a kind-hearted person. i didn't knew what to say to thopa when i first read this thread.

Are you in Pyschology major? just curious

Only one suggestion though:
Don't steal from the cash register. $1500 seem fine for a month. Stay in cheaper place if you have to, slug and study hard, and you will be fine. But stealing will level you with the alike in the getto.

Having a clear consience is a must in a situation like this. Visit an orphanage or other needed place nearby once a week and try to help an hour or so. Join student organization in your school that conduct events and sometimes also give scholorships.

You are on your own, there is no one to help you out so be brave and help yourself.

Thnkas for supporting

Thopa,

don't worry abt surving...don't afriad to get loan too....try to transfer to a good school..where you don't have to work hard just for surving....
If you keep workin like that in a gas station...it keep on like that for ever...if you want some chages...you shoud take some new step...

Bornfree....

Thanks.

No, I am not psychology major....but I like to get into depth of feelings. Guess..i just like empathizing.

Thopa..... dont lose hope...again :)

Two assumptions :

A) Not going to college -> you are illegal. AND
B) You are in your early 20s.

What I've seen more than once is - people tend to "marry" American females, who, usually, are straight out of the nightmares. They (people) suffer the indignity for few years and generally tend to walk-off for the liberty that they bought by selling their soul.

You can tread this path, handing over your red rose to some cash-strapped or desperately-in-need-of-attention females.

But wait, there is another way!

If I was you, I would work my ass off for a year or two and try to save as much as possible. I would get all the transcripts and head to another America, i.e., Canada, Australia, Europe and so on to continue my studies. Those places, in many ways are as good, if not better.

The good thing about it is you already have enough money to last for a while in that country, and you do not need your parents to sponsor you again. Saves the guilt factor!
Don't forget, you are still young, and world STILL can be yours.

All you need is clear goal, proper planning, determination and action. Go get em' tiger.

IndisGuise:)

P.S: Can someone call Dr. Phill or shall I take over. Aachh ;) hehe

stop thinking a lot..

I have never thought i do have such possiblities, thanks

yep i agree with Indis guise! :)
you should so totally go to a different country ke! :) :) if i were you i would move to Australia ke! :P

and when you feel like shit because of your situation and all that, think about all those people who don't even have food to eat or shelter ke! at least you're luckier than them ni! :) :)
so really your place in the world is so much better than most people's ke!
but the problem is people always want more ni, no matter what they have it's just not enough! but that's just human nature ke, so it's totally understandable ni! :) :)

Good luck! :)

PS: when you feel really shitty and think about posting something like this then rather doing that,drop me an email ke and i'll try to cheer you up ni! :) :)

Thanks nails,

yeah sometime mind goes mad. Every response was inspiring for me. Nails thanks again for taking my posting seriously, and again another thanks to all sajha frens.

One thing I can tell you is Life is a roller coaster ride. Show me the most successful person you think is and I will show you someone who has countless ups and downs, highs and lows in his or her life. You have to trust yourself and learn from your mistakes. You have come this far, there is no reason why you wouldnt go much further. Good luck.

waitn for ur dream re?:oS hehe

anyways...heres a quote i heard today...which kinda might apply to u re kya ;oP hehe...

"if opportunity doesnt knock...build a door!!!"- no idea who originally said it..(if u wanna know...google duh!;oP hehe)....but it was a chancellor who quoted it today and was kinda inspiring ;o)...do u feel inspired too?;oP hehe

good luck!:oD...

If you cut down on the herbs buddy, you'd prolly be saving enough to save every passing day!