Cell Phones to be banned in corporate bathrooms

CUPERTINO, Calif. (April 10, 2014) - Apple Inc. (NASDAQ: AAPL) today announced a groundbreaking new safety feature in their upcoming IOS upgrade. The development team revealed to the Sajha Onion on condition of anonymity that this new safety feature that gets activated by corporate server was requested by the FORTUNE 500 companies.

The reason for this was cited as "Employees have been increasingly spending more hours in the bathroom in 2013 than the total time spent in period of 2000 to 2010 combined. This is due to the high accessibility of mobile phones starting from 2012." the chief director of Human Resource Conglomerate expressed in a written memo - "In a secret survey done by the Fortune 500 companies, employees spent anywhere from 20 minutes to 3 hours in the bathroom. The internet traffic incoming from bathroom room was pin pointed to social media sites such as Facebook, Twitter, Viber, Instagram, Gmail, Youtube and Netflix. Some employees have even spent as much as 3 hours watching 2 movies back to back in Netflix, or done 2 hours worth of Facetime from inside the bathroom. This is really getting ridiculous!" He added, "Upto 20 employees have been fired on the spot recently after they were caught red handed watching porn in the bathroom." No details were provided on the subject.

Since it is a breach of personal space to confront an employee while sitting inside the bathroom, the Fortune 500 companies came up with an ingenious idea to install a signal blocking transmitter inside the bathrooms so that internet traffic cannot go in or out from inside the bathroom. Regular phone calls however, will not be affected. This signal blocking transmitter will be effective once iPhones and android phones come up with updates to their phone this fall.

Siskel and Ebert have given two thumbs up for this move as it will increase the employee productivity significantly. Global analysts have estimated that the US Gross Domestic Product will rise by a whopping 9.1 billion dollars due to this move.

Barak O'Bama was not available for comment. Apparently he was tweeting from the White House bathroom, which will be immune from this ban.

Reporting live from outside Sajha Onion's corporate bathroom.