Dear you,

The last time you said you loved me; the fire in your eyes was enough for me to know it was true. I stayed silent and I liked how you weren't expecting me to say those words back. You understand the difference between saying those words and throwing them out and I knew you were glad I stayed silent. You knew me better than everyone, you knew that I didn't want romantic declarations of affection, you knew that I wouldn't express my feelings as often and you knew that it wasn’t necessary, you would find them out on your own, you knew I didn’t trust myself or you and you knew I could let you go in a moment no matter how much I love you but you hoped and perhaps believed I wouldn’t. I was your greatest treasure and thus your greatest fear. I am sorry I betrayed your thoughts and hope and made your fiercest nightmare come alive. Yes, you knew me so well but even you didn’t know me enough.

I knew how you felt because you made me feel that too. I know because I am still scarred and I know you are too. You loved me like the bats love the dark- it was a necessity, like a compulsion. Your love was like those blue flames we once observed- fiery and ruthless. I loved how your love burned and blistered me. I cherished every burn and craved for more. But I couldn’t let our love destroy you, whatever is left of you anyway. I hear you still wander around the streets trying to find me. I hear you believe that letting go of us was one of my impulses and I will come around. I hear you blame everything else but me. Well, stop it! Blame no one else but me. I let go of your hand and you should curse me for that. I ruined us and you should eternally hate me for that. I know you must be shaking your head with tears rolling down as you are reading this. My tears are too flowing but love, my hands are firm. They are not trembling and you know when my hands are firm I am telling the truth. I just smiled as I remembered when you told me this. I myself had never noticed that.

I was broken when you found me and you took so much of the hurt away but my sweet love, I will always remain broken and I am sorry you cannot fix me. I was a broken soul, from a broken home, influenced by all evils and I regret bringing you into my broken kingdom and letting you rule it. You were my fight, my mission, and my prize. How could I let my glory get lost in the mess I created? When mama killed herself and I sat there drinking booze staring at her corpse without a tear, everyone thought I was crazy. You didn’t. I couldn’t cry for someone for whom I never really felt anything and you understood that. But perhaps, both of us were wrong. Perhaps, I am crazy after all my DNA is overloaded with insanity, after all I was that woman‘s daughter who set herself and her house on fire. How could I escape such fucked up genes? You kept telling me despite what my therapist believed that I was okay. You punched my therapist when he told you about my suicidal tendencies and how I could even hurt you and though I enjoyed that scene I was so scared. I could never tell you that and you could never figure that out. But I know you were scared too for me and that’s why you made me promise that I would never hurt me and that if I did you would never forgive me. I promised you that but my hands were trembling.


All my life I put down my sleeves and covered up my scars until you told me that they are beautiful and you love me with all of them. You didn’t mind those ugly scars but you could never forgive and forget the reasons they were carved into me. I wanted to forget and forgive all the fucked up things that happened to me but I couldn’t and you simply wouldn’t try to forget and forgive. What hurt me would hurt you. I hated that because I couldn’t stop the hurt, the pain from resurfacing again and again. I knew how terrified you used to be for me whenever you walked in on me slicing myself up or how tortured you felt every time I woke up screaming and you would hold me but the nightmares won’t stop. You would feel like you failed me and I couldn’t look the hurt in your face. I would just stay silent, smoke a cigarette and turn away. At those moments, I would realize how much I am hurting you. You couldn’t stand the things that hurt me and when I loved you every bit as much as you loved me, how could I not hate myself for being all the reasons for your pain?

It’s been a year since I left you and it’s been a year since I have not slept. I cannot chase you away from my heart and I don’t intend to but only if I could chase you out of my mind, I think I will be sane. But I guess insanity is my sin, I cannot get rid of it. I didn’t intend to write this letter but I do owe you a goodbye, a closure. When I was writing this letter, I meant it for you but I couldn’t stop myself from writing down what I felt for you. I never said my feelings out loud. I love you. I love you more than anything. You are the peak of my insanity and the only one that keeps me sane. You are my clarity, my sin and my redemption. You are my everything. I didn’t want to blurt these things out because I know that I am too late for saying these things, that now these words will only tear you apart than soothe your soul. Excuse me for being such a selfish bitch but you already knew I was one and still chose to love me. I bet you didn’t know I was this much of a disaster when you first met me but I know even if you know now you wouldn’t change a thing. Ah, how I loved your foolish intentions., how I loved you. I still do so much that I can’t stand it anymore.

I want to say sorry but I know you will forgive me, all that I have done and if I were to come running back now, you would be there waiting for me with your arms open. I wish I could. I wish I wasn’t so fucked up and I wish I wasn’t a harm to you but I am and I can’t be back. So…. I am leaving. When you will receive this letter, I would probably be long gone. For now, I think the pills are showing their effects, I am seeing you smiling and hearing your voices. I know I am hallucinating but how I wish, how I wish I could for one last time see you like that, hear you talk but I can already feel the cold approaching me. If there is anything like next life, I wish to meet you in a summer afternoon and fall in love with you that very instant. I wish to be a completely normal girl with dreams that include you and me together and I wish to be able to live that dream. I can’t wait to get there my love but until then I hope you will never forgive me. After all, you don’t forgive people who hurt things you love and I killed it.I know you won’t. I am glad you won’t.


Yours.