Posted by: NayaJivan December 30, 2011
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I know the question I am really asking. I do not fear physical survival. The question is more about psychological survival. I am not sure if I will psychologically survive anything less than my upper-middle class lifestyle that I was used to while growing up in Kathmandu. This is my real fear.
Why?
Because then I can't lie to him. And he can't lie to me. Scary.
If I meet a friend from grade school on the streets of Kathmandu, will I be ashamed if my clothes are not as good as his? Will I feel insecure if he looks down on me when he finds out my career or wealth does not match his?
I fear criticism even here in sajha. What to speak of receiving hateful words from people that I had looked down on as a child. All this scares me. And I don't want to go to Kathmandu just to prove something to someone. Who?
Who is worth proving to in Kathmandu?
Who is worth proving to in Kathmandu?
But I also know that untill I conquer these fears that I will not be able to be effective in Nepal. I have to rise above these fears. But I don't know where to get the strength to be able to rise above my fears.
I know the answer. But I am afraid to embrace it. And I also know why I fear embracing it. It requires something from me. Something that takes a lot from me. And I am afraid of what it will ask and what I will have to give. I fear it's demands. It's relentlessness. It's quest. It's depth. It's life. It's purity. It's unashamedness.
I know the answer. But I am shy to say it in public.
The person I need to prove to is within me. I am afraid of truly knowing him. Why?
Because then I can't lie to him. And he can't lie to me. Scary.
Last edited: 30-Dec-11 11:05 PM