Posted by: Dananah July 19, 2004
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last but not least(for today :o)..)
Try these on...
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their
wedding night.
As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his
pants to his bride and said, "here put these on."
She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't
wear your pants," she said.
"That's right!!", said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man
who wears the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "try these on." He tried
them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap.
He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!"
She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your
damn attitude changes!"
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It's cold outside....
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.
When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood.
When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!" She says, "Well
put them here between my legs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says
again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!" She says again, "Well put them
here between my legs and warm them up."
He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the night. When he
returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your *ears* ever get
cold?"
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Are you always this nice?
A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blond
eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but
lacked the nerve to go talk to her.
Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards
the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.
"Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back in
the socket. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited
him back to her place for a drink.
They went back to her house, and after a bit she brought him into the
bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many
times during the night.
The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him
breakfast in bed.
The guy was amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this
nice to every guy you meet?"
"No, she replied....
You just happened to catch my eye!"
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The ATM
Johnny, Kurt and Jim (The Guys) are at the Saigon Passion strip joint.
The girl is shaking her stuff in front of them wearing a G-string.
Johnny (showing off) pulls out a $20 bill, licks it and sticks it on her
butt cheek.
Kurt (trying to show up Johnny) pulls out a $50 bill, licks it and sticks it
on her other butt cheek.
Jim pulls out his ATM card swipes it down the crack of her butt and puts the
20 and the 50 in his wallet.
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Be Strong
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of
his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and
tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man
to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the
bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.
Suddenly he got up and left the room.
As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride,
his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in
years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just
cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just
go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or
make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."
After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says:
"Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a
woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my
ear.
He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in
the bathroom.
Be strong and I love you, too."
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The last straw..
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband
a big french kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a
divorce!"
I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a
divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in
Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany,
no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the
decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his
arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
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