Posted by: Dananah July 19, 2004
Login in to Rate this Post:
0 
? 
?
a bit RA but hey just jokes ..;o)..
What do you want for your birthday?
A man asked his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
She said, "I'd love to be ten again."
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they
went to a theme park.
He put her on every ride in the park --the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop,
the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and
her stomach upside down.
Into McDonalds they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra
fries and a strawberry shake.
Then off to a theater to see Star Wars--more burgers, popcorn, cola and
sweets.
At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten
again?"
One eye opened and she groaned, "Actually I meant dress size."
Tis a shame
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having a beer and watching the brothel
across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said,
"Aye,'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen
said, "What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill."
*****************************************************************
Ya gonna fix that or what
Maw is outside hangin' up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen.
Maw walks in and says, "Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse."
Paw says, "All right, Maw." Paw walks out to the outhouse, looks at it and
says, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw says, "Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole."
Paw says, "I ain't puttin' my head in that there hole!"
Maw says, "Well you're gonna have to if'n you're gonna fix the problem!"
So Paw puts his head down in the hole (just a little bit, mind ya) and then
hollers, "Maw, there ain't nothin' wrong with this here outhouse!"
Maw hollers, "Now pull your head out of the hole."
Paw goes to lift up his head and he says, "Oww! Ouch! Maw! MAW, my
beard's stuck in the wood cracks in the seat!"
Maw says, "Aggravatin', ain't it?"
*****************************************************************
Gardening tricks
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her
tomatoes to turn red.
One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had
the most beautiful
garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato
garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to
her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she
exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how
did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous.
*****************************************************************
Arthritis
A man who reeked of alcohol flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The
man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half
empty bottle of rum was sticking out of his ripped jacket pocket.
He opened his newspaper and started reading. After a few minutes, the
disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked "Say, Father, do you know what
causes arthritis?"
The priest, disgusted by the man's appearance and behavior snapped "It's
caused by loose living,
being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your
fellow man!"
"Well, I'll be," the man muttered and returned to his newspaper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized,
"I'm sorry to have come
on so strong - I didn't mean it. How long have you been suffering from
arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
*****************************************************************
Get a handle on it...
During the wedding reception in the family mansion, the bride's Grandfather
slipped her five $100 bills which she concealed in her glove, since he told
her to keep it for "mad money".
By tradition, the couple spent their first night together in the family's
historic house. The bride's Grandmother saw her sneaking down the stairs
later that night, and asked where she was going. "I left my gloves in the
library, Grand-MaMa, and it's important that I have them."
"Oh you youngsters !" the Grandmother sighed. "You march yourself right back
upstairs and grab hold of that damm thing with your bare hands just as I did
your Grandfather
*****************************************************************
That grass is looking GOOD!
Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally they
came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume
and learned the mating call of a cow moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the
costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a
clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.
Before long their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the
forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in
front said, "OK, lets get out and get him."
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted,
"The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted,
"The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"
The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but
you'd better brace yourself.
*****************************************************************