Posted by: Dananah July 19, 2004
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Continued...
Happy Valentine Day
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
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Watch it!
A well off young man was moving from one house to another, a few streets away.
Observing with dismay the care-free way in which the moving crew yanked his cherished antiques about, he was filled with a desire to save from possible damages a tall grandfather's clock which he prized highly.
Taking the clock in his arms he started for the new house. But the clock was as tall as its owner, and heavy besides, and he had to put it down every few feet and rest his arms and mop his streaming brow. Then he would clutch his burden and stagger on again. After half an hour of these strenuous exertions he was nearing his destination, when an intoxicated person who had been watching his labors from the opposite side of the road took advantage of a halt to hail him.
"Mister," he said thickly, "could I ash you a quest'n?"
"What is it?" demanded the exhausted young man.
"Why on earth don't you carry a watch?"
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It's all right Honey....
An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It
was so far out, there was no electricity.
When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and
her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high
so he could see, while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did
so.
The mother pushed and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn
baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first
breath.
The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.
"He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place. Spank him again,"
the 5-year-old said.
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Never felt better!
An old farmer was on his way for a night out on the town. He loaded his old hound dog into the buggy, had his favorite horse pulling the buggy, and was on his way. He had just rounded a curve when a speeding Mercedes ran into the back of his rig, wiping him out.
After months recovering he finally had his day in court. The defense called the local sheriff as a witness.
The defense lawyer asked, "Did the plaintiff have anything to say when you approached him at the scene of the accident?"
The sheriff replied, "Yes sir. The plaintiff said, 'I never felt better.'"
The plaintiff's lawyer was very upset at this, and whispered to the farmer, "Did you really say that?"
"I sure did, but don't worry, just put me on the stand," he replied.
So, the plaintiff's lawyer called the farmer and asked, "Did you really say, you 'never felt better?'"
The farmer replied, "I sure did. But you gotta understand. When the sheriff came in on the scene, he went over to my dog who was badly injured, bleeding and looked down at him, shook his head, then shot the dog.
Then he walked over to my horse who had three broken legs, really hurt bad, looked down at him, shook his head, then shot the horse.
Then the sheriff came over to me, looked down at me and asked how I felt. So of course, I replied, "I never felt better!
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Wedding Translation
During the weeks before Brenda's wedding, she was terribly anxious about
making mistakes at the ceremony.
The minister reassured her several times, pointing out that the service was
not difficult and that she would do just fine.
"All you have to remember," he said, "is that when you enter the church you
walk up the AISLE. The groom and best man will be waiting before the ALTAR.
Then I shall request the congregation to sing a HYMN....Then we shall get on
with the ceremony. All you have to remember is the order in which those
things happen and you can't go wrong."
The happy day finally arrived, and the bridegroom waited nervously for his
bride to appear.
When she arrived and stood alongside him, he heard her quietly repeating to
herself, "Aisle, altar, hymn, aisle, altar, hymn."
At that very moment, the bridegroom realized that his friends who had warned
him about marriage were correct, as her thoughts which he could now hear
quite clearly - "I'll alter him. I'll alter him."
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Controlling your woman
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the
amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
The third fellow says, "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."
The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What happened then?" they asked.
The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, "She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"
(reminds me of gal..wahahaha :oP)
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