Posted by: jay-z August 10, 2011
BREAKFAST AT BETH - THE DEMISE OF AN INDIE EATERY
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good one again, one thing that i like about your short stories is that they are pretty down to earth, i've seen a few writers who try to spice things up by adding some drama here and there, you seem to present your observations as realistically as they would happen around anyone
my only complain with the above post is that you don't seem to make a transition from the opening scene, to an intermediate one, before the readers are taken to the final scene about the closure of the restaurant. may be i couldn't grasp it, but it seems to me that the writer was still in the opening scene when the rest of the passage rolls on. it's too easy for readers to think that the author is still at the opening scene when this para starts:
"It was one late August Saturday morning when I jogged my way to Beth’s via Hartford street. ......"

i think you need to get the author out of the first scence :)
let me know if you think my scrutiny is accurate
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