What have Liverpool and a three pin plug got in common? Their both useless in Europe. Two boys are playing football in the park when one of them is attacked by a rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence, forces it into the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's neck. All the while, a newspaper reporter who was taking a stroll through the park is watching. He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition. He writes, "Manchester City fan saves friend from vicious animal." The boy interrupts: "But I'm not a City fan." The reporter starts again: "Manchester United fan saves friend from horrific attack." The boy interrupts again: "I'm not a United fan either." The reporter asks: "Who do you support, then?" "Liverpool," replies the boy. So the reporter starts again: "Scouse b*****d kills family pet" Snow White, Arnold Schwazennegger and Quasimodo are having a conversation. Snow White says "Everybody tells me I am the most beautiful, divine woman that any man has ever laid his eyes on, but how do I know?" Arnie says "I know what you mean. Everybody tells me I am the most muscular, hunky man that has ever lived, but how do I know?" Quasimodo says "Yes. Everybody tells me I am the most disgusting, despicable, grotesque creature that has ever roamed the earth, but how do I know?" Snow White says "Let's go and see the wise man!" So off they go. Snow White goes in first and five minutes later she comes out and says: "It's true. I am the most beautiful, divine woman that any man has ever laid his eyes on." Arnie goes in and five minutes later he comes out and says: "It's true. I am the most muscular, hunky man that has ever lived." Quasimodo goes in and five minutes later he comes out and says: "Who's this Peter Beardsley character then?" Quote"I love Liverpool, they are great - I know that because I watch them on Sky TV all the time. I once drove past Liverpool on my way to a wedding a few years ago but I didn't have time to get to a match (next time maybe). My favourite player is Ian rush, but I think I will make it Michael Owen soon because he is worth more now. Q: What do you call a Liverpool fan in a suit? A: The accused Q: What's the difference between a Liverpool fan and a broken clock? A: Even a broken clock is right twice a day! Q: Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool? A: Because if it walked it would be mugged. Q: Why will Liverpool never win the League? A: They keep scoring Owen goals If you see a Liverpool Fan on a bike, why should you never swerve to hit him... ? It might be your bike... Two scousers in a pub. what's funny is that its 4 in the morning and they've broke in. Theres a scouse and a manc talking in a pub. the scouser says to the mank 'hows the missis'. 'fine thanks' replys the mank 'hows yours' not so good because yesterday she was crossing the road when a car missed her by inches. 'inches' said the mank, 'that was close'.'yes!' replied the scouser, 'the carpets filthy'! This scouser walks into the shop and buys the sun for 20p. he gives the shop assistant a two pound coin and only gets change for a quid. 'excuse me' says the scouser 'but you've only given me change for a quid and i gave you ý2'. the shop assistant realised this and apologised. the next day the same thing happened, as it did again the following. the scouser got a little bit sick of complaining and on the fourth day said that it was the fourth consecutive day this had happened. the shop assistant apologised and pointed out it was because the till was broken. 'if the till was broken, why didnt you just do the maths in your head' to which the shop assistant replied he couldn't because 6 week ago he got a letter off his mum who had fallen off the bus! This scouser has just nicked a car and he and his wive are checking it over to see how much they can get for it.the man asks his wife "ill press the indicators you see if they work'the thick scouse women goes to the back of the car and say "yes its working! Oh no its not! It is now! its stopped again! Working ......