When my emotion clashes with my ambition, my passion clashes with my reality, my status clashes with my 'status' - I have a clear sight of my confusion but not its intricacies. The perinnial confusion is the state. When I equate a fuzzy math in my head, I sub-consciously add: my responsibilities towards my family and my country, granted freedom and individual space of the US; subtract : the chaos of Nepal, the never changing 'second-class citizen mentality'in the US; multiply: my passion and ego; and finally divide with my present status ( this is the only variable) - I see the same confusion, perhaps a despair that I don't want to think of, and occasional happiness like a 'flash in the pan'. Rinse, lather and repeat it everyday- it's simply unbearable and goes to the 'taboo' mode as if I am oblivious to it. I wonder if I am an asset or a liability .Again,as always, when people talk about returning to Nepal I am hopeful yet cynical, and this maxim comes rebounding to my head ' everybody wants to go to the heaven, but nobody wants to die.'