Uranus,

Love this sentence:
"Her beautiful black hair fell loose on her shoulders, with few strands brushing against the saline sweat that trickled down her cheeks."

All the parts of the story in italics is "Roshan's writing, not mine..." if you know what I mean. "Roshan" wrote it when he was a love-sick college kid. And in that way I tried to keep that writing somewhat rough. It was a tough call for me. On one hand I want the story and the writing to sound right. At the same time I wanted Roshan's writing to sound amateur. I didn't know how to strike that subtle balance.

Any suggestions?