Homeyji,

When I mentioned esoteric, I meant the choice of words you used. While I admire your creativity, I am still struggling to come in terms with sentences such as:

"That simple kiss seemed to scream of a vacuum in the universe."

I am not a writer of any sorts, but I did not really understand what it meant. Also, I do not consider myself an ignorant moron, therefore, if your target audience are not just the elite white collar clan members, you might want to reconsider changing the way it is crafted.

Also,

"Beautiful silky hair tossed around her and licked her slightly perspiring face." This sounds effusively cheesy.

If I were you, I'd have written,

"Her beautiful black hair fell loose on her shoulders, with few strands brushing against the saline sweat that trickled down her cheeks."

Also, pusillanimity was not apt in that sentence, it would have made a lot more sense if it were inside quotes; it could have then delivered the intended meaning.

Writing is a difficult task and it becomes more difficult when someone with a fresh pair of eyes scrutinizes it.

 I could never write like you, it is just my two cents as a critique.