eeeeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwww!!!

:P

nice one mate....early early morn and get to read some sex jokes.,..today is gonna be a really sexxy day ;)..

cheers for reviving some humour..:D

and i dun really have any <b>Dirty</b> jokes with me hehe..but well heres some.(might be too much for some..:P).which i think is ok....copy and pasted...have fun if u havent read them before..;)...

enjoy ..:D

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<u>TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN LAW, AREN'T:</u>

10. Have you looked through her briefs?

9. He is one hard judge!

8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.

6. Is it a penal offense?

5. Better leave the handcuffs on.

4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

3. Can you get him to drop his suit?

2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty, but in law isn't:

1.Think you can get me off?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

A newlywed husband had to go on a business trip, and

hated to leave his gorgeous, sexy blonde wife alone.

The night before he left, he brought home a vibrator

and gave it to her.

"What's this for?" she asked.

"It's for those lonely nights when you miss me," explained her husband, winking. "Just think of it as something to take my place when you get horny."

A week later, hubby returns home, and finds the vibrator in the garbage. "Honey," he says, "why did you throw it away? I told you, you should use it in my place when I'm gone."

"I did," she said. "But the damned thing rattled my fillings loose."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

<u>What are those for?</u>

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

 He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies,

"Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool!" says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men." The dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy,

"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

While, I was recovering from surgery and spending most of the day in bed, my six year old son asked me why I didn't have a boyfriend. I told him the television was my boyfriend, and it entertained me all the time.

The only problem was the television set was old and would just shut off for no reason. But, I would just give it a few hard wacks on the side and it would come back on, which was no big deal...

A couple of days later the pastor stopped by to check on my recovery. I was trying to get the television to come back on so, my son answered the door.

The pastor smiled and asked "Is your mom busy, son?

My little one looked up at him and replied,...."No, sir, she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend".

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

<u>Recent History Student. . .</u>

Giuseppi walks into work, and he says, "Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?"

Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a George Washington?"

He says, "Hah, you be dumb! George-a Washington's the first-a President of- a United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."

A couple of days later, Giuseppi comes to work and says. "Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?" Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"

He says, "Hah stupid! Abaham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I'm-ago to night school every night. I learn all about-a United States history, and become-a U.S.-acitizen."

A guy in the back of the shop yells, "Yo, Giuseppi . . .you so-a smart, you know who Fishlips Picollini is?"

Giuseppi says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Picollini is?"

The guy yells back, "That's the guy who's bangin' your wife while you're in night school."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

<u>Lump</u>

A distraught dog owner called a vet pleading for an immediate

appointment. He explained that his dog had a large growth or swelling

near the corner of its mouth that had appeared to grow overnight, so I

told him to bring the animal over.

When the man came in with his dog, the vet examined the animal as the

man stood by, anxiously waiting the vet's opinion.

At last the doctor turned to him and asked, "Do you have any children?"

"Oh, good grief, is it contagious?" the man gasped.

"No," the doctor answered. "It's bubble gum."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

<u> Preferences</u>

This man was trying out a computer dating program and was asked for his

preferences.

He entered, "I want a companion who is small and cute, loves water

sports and enjoys group activities."

The computer generated the answer, "Marry a penguin."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Finally, something other than smiley faces.... breasts!

(o)(o) perfect breasts

( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts

(*)(*) high nipple breasts

(@)(@) big nipple breasts

oo a cups

{ O }{ O } d cups

(oYo) wonder bra breasts

( ^)( ^) cold breasts

(o)(O) lopsided breasts

(Q)(O) pierced breasts

(p)(p) hanging tassels breasts

(:o)(o) bitten by a vampire breasts

\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts

( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts

&lt; o &gt;&lt; o &gt; electric shock breasts

|o||o| android breasts

(/)(o) scratched breasts (ouch)

(%)(o) extra nipple breasts (like Chandler)

($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts

(^o)(o) zit on your breast

( o Y o ) poses for SCORE magazine breasts

cheers..:D