last one for now..if this goe thru..:D... ********************************************************************** Boss Welcome Dear Staff Welcome back to the office after the long year-end holiday break of 2003. Please be advised that there are new rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our company in 2004. ATTIRE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers & carrying a Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill. SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. TOILET USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilets. There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the cubicles. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. SURGERY: As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice day, THE MANAGEMENT ********************************************************************** The darnest things kids say WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you knowthe person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10 No age is good to get married at. You got to bea fool to get married. -- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age) HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8 WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8 WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10 WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7 The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. -- Curt, age 7 The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. -- Theodore, age 8 It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)& nbsp; HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8 And the #1 Favorite is........ HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. -- Ricky, age 10 ********************************************************************** Something to think about MONEY It can buy a House...............But not a Home It can buy a Bed..................But not Sleep It can buy a Clock................But not Time It can buy you a Book..........But not knowledge It can buy you a Position......But not Respect It can buy you Medicine.......But not Health It can buy you Blood............But not Life It can buy you Sex..............But not Love So you see money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to take away your pain and suffering.............. So send me all your money.......... And I will suffer for you…;)...MUHHAAHAHAHAHAAHA!!! :P