US Driver’s Car Sex Shocker

American car fetishist Edward Smith boasted about making love to over 1,000 cars this week and revealed he’s currently dating a white Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla.

"I appreciate beauty and I go a little bit beyond appreciating the beauty of a car only to the point of what I feel is an expression of love," Mr Smith told the Telegraph. "As far as women go, they never really interested me much. And I'm not gay,” he added.

The unashamed car lover confessed to creeping up to vehicles after dark and hugging and kissing them and said his first love was a Corvette Stingray he felt uncontrollably attracted to.

"I didn't fully understand it myself except that I know I'm not hurting anyone and I do not intend to,” he said, “I'm not sick and I don't want to hurt anyone, cars are just my preference."

Renowned car fanatic Dave Clarke was sympathetic, saying ‘I saw a Stingray the other day and have to admit it does look very pretty’.

“It wasn’t shaggable though,’ the techno legend hastily protested, “Not unless there is a big magnex on its ass then I could grab it.”

Dave was less empathetic about Smith’s promiscuity, arguing ‘I cannot believe he cheats on his Beetle, if I was Vanilla I would be livid and srenuously denied over-personalising any of the luxury cars he owned in his youth, or giving them pet names.

“Women give human names to cars normally, my current car- a Mercedes S500 Coupe- is just called the barge; a bit of butter down the sides and it will grease through any London traffic,” he quipped.

“When you get a bit older you realise that cars are a big waste of time,” Dave added, “I can afford any car I want, but I have kicked the habit- I hope- and my newest form of transport is a bike and cruiser board with kryptos and comfy high riser pads.”

Bryan Black from rocking electro types Motor admitted they’d ‘obviously’ named their band in homage to cars (‘because we like having sex in cars, not with them, and needed the perfect soundtrack’, he claimed) and was more ambiguous towards his fellow American driver Edward Smith.

“The automobile is one of the sexiest manmade inventions, up there with the Arp 2600 modular analogue synthesizer,” Bryan agreed, “But while I appreciate his passion for cars, I do think he's a sick f**ker,” he told Skrufff.

“The sexiest car is the 1966 Ford ‘Motor’ Mustang,” he added.

In more inanimate-object romance news, Swedish housewife Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer, appeared in the international press this week, chatting about suffering from a rare condition called Objectum-Sexuality. Mrs Berliner-Mauer, 54, described developing the illness in the 70s, going on to secretly marry the Berlin Wall after seeing it on TV 29 years ago

"I find long, slim things with horizontal lines very sexy,” she told the Daily Telegraph, “The Great Wall of China's attractive, but he's too thick - my husband is sexier,” she added.

The Telegraph added that Mrs Berliner-Mauer was distraught after the Wall was destroyed in 1989, though said she’s since found solace dating a Swedish garden fence called Mauritz.