From the Reader's Disgust magazine:

My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always
causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the
quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk...

Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of
grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were sitting in a park
having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful
spring day. She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family.

"And always remember this thing," she said. "Be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandma?" I asked her.

She then answered in her soft Scottish voice, "Makes your dick look bigger."