Few Ups first.

s_brat bro/sis: Persistence, my friend, is the name of the game. Singles are quitters.

true_nepali: was that a hint ?

V2001: badhai chha... some are just envious

Love marriage, presupposes existence of 'LOVE' in an 'EXISTING' 'RELATIONSHIP'. The big question, then, is - define love, relationship, in the context of love vs. arranged marriage (because that is the discussion here). And there will be no one agreeable definition/criteria here because these are emotional and personal experiences, unique to every individual.

Now, moving over to Nepali context, marriages in Nepal are social events for the family and relatives. When I was sitting on the jagya for those 6 hours, I felt like a character in a big drama, not a person about to form a union with the person sitting next to me, who I will share my life with, and who I will stand by in ups and downs. Everyone around me was having fun, I felt, .. red saris, glitters and golds, suits, music, dance, etc.

After the ceremony/party, then the visits to relatives. More rituals. More red saris and naya suits.

During this ceremony/party, which is essentially a giant transition for the bride and groom, neither of us had the opportunity (and reason, in my case, which I describe later) to look at ourselves, share feelings of imminent stress, chaos, confusion, uncertainties... etc.

The point I am trying to make, and just got carried away doing so, is that whether it is LM or AM or LAM, the two persons need to actually talk about a common shared future. One can fall in deep love with the other person, but not be prepared mentally, spiritually or emotionally to be in a marriage with that person. And this leads to future difficulties, and even a divorce (post marriage there's no breakups). This can be true for AM as well, because there is no prior knowledge of the other person's minimal personality, let alone the baani byehora and soch bichar, and this complicates the situation further because there is no 'right way' to start up that conversation. I am not saying it cannot be done, but one cannot always count on exceptions.

When you apply for a job, you want to know as much about the company as the company wants to know about you even before you are shortlisted (lucky you), or called for an interview (you sog). You will have a 5 year plan (at least guff in interview) and vision, and you communicate that to the interviewer. When you start a business, you will have a sense of direction you will need to head, and you share this with your other partners. Similarly, in a marriage, both the keta and keti have to have that conversation. And this needs to happen BEFORE marriage. Usually in LM at pre25yrs age, there are just romantic and (in my case some good time ago) bollywood fantasies in conversations, far away from the realities and individual truths. But I have seen this tendency change in a lot of ppl who are in a dating relationship when they are abroad (why, another thread).

So, Conversation before the marriage, building that level of comfort (and that comfort too..  if you are impatient) should be the first thing you should have in your checklist if you are getting married, whether LM, AM or LAM.

Happy marrying...

_x