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Miss Chokesondick
One girl I was dating the summer after I graduated high school, "Jayne," had never given head before she started seeing me. Now, my experience has taught me that whenever a girl tells me she "doesn't normally give head," she inevitably ends up giving me an incredible blow job. It's the ones who say they never do it that do it the best. Jayne was the exception.
She was the absolute worst I've ever experienced. I've never even heard of girls worse at fellatio than Jayne. Her teeth were all over my dick, she had no rhythm, no enthusiasm, and had a mouth that mysteriously never got moist. It was awful.
It was a month of painstaking instruction before she finally got good enough that I didn't just stop her after 5 minutes and tell her to jerk me off--she was that bad. After another month or so, she got good enough that she could at least come close to finishing me off by herself. Here's the weirdest part: no matter how much she improved, she never moved her head. She kept her head still and I would have to move my hips. This was annoying, but I was patient with her because she was stunningly beautiful and I was still young enough to think I was in love (this was back when I thought I actually was capable of love).
One night she was doing a pretty good job and I got very enthused with my hip thrusts when I felt a warm, wet sensation on my crotch. I was laying on my back and I looked down and saw what looked like A LOT of splooge.
This confused me because even though I was close to coming, I didn't think I had actually achieved orgasm. The come was chunky to the touch, very dark, and much more viscous than any semen that I've ever seen shoot out of my dick. My first though was that I she had given me some crazy hybrid VD that made my come all thick and chunky. I dismissed that, but my mind was still racing; I couldn't figure out what could be wrong, so I said, "What did you do to my dick?"
She looked up at me. The expression on her face immediately gave it away:
"Oh my god--did you just throw up on my dick? Did you just VOMIT ON MY F@#$ING DICK?"
Yes, Tucker. Yes she did.
I ended up dating her for another two years (beauty does strange things to the male mind), but she stopped going down on me and we just focused on vaginal sex from that point forward.
Max, T. (2006). I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell. Miss Chokesondick. Retrieved from Tuckermax.com
18 January, 2008