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"Marital Woes" is hilarious
More here.
mRITDuring one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners,asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."
What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I'm sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to
shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted......
Loyalty in Marriage
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.
She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side…You know what?”
“What dear?” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck, get the f**k away from me.”
___________________________________________________________________-
A woman walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the most beautiful, perfectly “loaded” Lexus.
She walked over to inspect it more closely. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little burst of flatulence escaped her.
Very embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed.
There, standing right behind her, was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, “Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?”
Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?”
Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, “Madame, I’m very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you’re gonna shit when you hear the price.
John Wayne's filmning in some dusty Arizona town. After a long day of shooting, he needs to use the bathroom. He walks into the first saloon in town, approaches the bartender and asks: "You don't happen to have a private bathroom I could use, do you?"
The bartender looks at the Hollywood star with a blank face expression, shakes his head and answers, "Nope, sorry. We don't have anything like that here."
[add as many saloon visits here as you like, gradually building up to ...]
John Wayne barely manages to reach the last saloon and he's gotta go, no matter what. He stumbles up to the bar, and asks the same question again, "Please, Sir, you don't happen to have a private bathroom I could use, do you? Nobody else in this town seems to have one."
The bartender replies: "I'm really sorry, we don't have one. But why can't you just use the public one?"
John Wayne gives him this no-time-to-explain look and disappears into the bathroom.
Two minutes later he emerges, soaked from head to toe.
The bartender shakes his head in disbelief and asks: "My God, what happened to you?"
John Wayne says: "The same thing that happens to me every damn time I enter a public bathroom. Everyone turns around and says, 'Hey, check it out! It's John Wayne!"
A blind guy sits down at a bar, and says to the bartender, "you want to hear a blond joke?"
The bartender says, "ok but first let me tell you, I'm blond, the guy sitting next to you is blond and the bouncer over there is blond as well, do you still want to tell the joke?"
The blind guy thinks a moment then says, "No, nevermind, I don't want to explaine it three times."