? 
aviator/lootekukur-thanks.
occult-thanks for your comments. why not check this out?i'm sure most of the readers will agree on this.
*************************
good
story on sajha!” kesya got pregnant, decided not to get an abortion ,started
dating frank”- just to prove that i read it.
let
me pull it up again on screen. i'd prefer to give you comments directly. overall,
i think you're well on your way to becoming a great writer. this story just
proves it.
on a
line by line basis it's easy for me to find things to comment on. in the first
part you posted the part that i found most awkward to follow-was the sudden
shift into the past -from 2007 to 1991 somehow, by calling it "part
II" i expected time to move forward
when actually you went back in time for one, drop "part II" make it
one single piece with the flashback in the middle. in a movie it would be easy
to do. change the color tones slightly (less bright colors or even black and
white) for the flashback when it's just written text... it's a little harder to get the stupid reader
to follow exactly...may be say... it was the day of bada dashain16 years ago. so
that the reader does not have to keep track of dates just add 16 years ago or
something like that just as an added guide for the stupid reader to follow
exactly the time switch.
next
point where i got a little confused when keshya decides not to have the
abortion and walks out and meets frank. when and how does frank learn about her
decision? can you help the reader along a bit saying he looked up from the
children's book he was flipping through,
and there she was already or something like that find a way to tell the reader
that frank realized that she was back out much sooner than if she had gone
through with the abortion "he looked up, and there she was ALREADY" or
something like that you know what i mean? i also don't quite get the part about
her comment "fairy tales again".
not quite sure what it adds to the story. i don't quite see whether its
presence adds to or subtracts from the story whether it's well located part of.
“i was just starting to feel flattered that
there is a little piece of me appearing in your story... but wanted to double
check first.”
---- received from an anonymous friend