Dear friends, I have opend up myself like a OPEN BOOK here in SAJHA, Don know its a good or bad. Today we r meeting for final (?) time but I just got this mail from her. 14th March' 2007 goin to be really impt day for me. I dont know what shd I do....waitin for more suggestions. Im really thankful for your suggestions and concern. -------Here is the mail------- Hi Darling, You broke my heart with that mail and my eyes are full of tears now. Could you please tell me if you really meant all that you wrote? Because I'm afraid of what you might do to yourself or me. I want you to understand that my feelings are not mixed and I have hidden insecurity about you that I've been trying not to remember or think. I've always thought we're an odd couple, somehow totally different. But it's almost all the time been only a good thing to be so different. Just sometimes there are times when you don't understand me at all, when you just hear me but don't really listen to what I try to say. This is life. You have to learn to live even with your heart broken, like I did. Someone once said in one show that it is more awful to be the one who leaves people, not the one whose heart gets broken. You broke my heart when you left for another country, so I know how that feels too. But seriously, it is even worse to be the one who leaves. There has always been something that doesn't work in our relationship. And that is the lack of understanding. It feels like most of the time I don't understand YOUR nature, I don't understand how you function and think. And then again, you don't understand me, despite all these I loved you so much. For the first few months of our relationship it was just getting to know one another, and in a way it still is like that. But at that time it was easier to ignore the differences and misunderstandings. I'm not saying that you being so different than me is the reason for all this. But there just isn't mutual understanding on many things. Anyway, after a year when we knew each other better it kind of started to bother that I never laughed at something "funny" you said or you never understood why I cried. And to be honest, You never tried to understand what I mean. I've tried to keep going like this and to ignore the fact that I'm actually not the right one for you. I can imagine a girl that would suit you better: someone who laughs a lot, who understands your jokes and everything you say and mean and also understands what you mean by being quiet or leaving something unsaid. Someone who can really love you the way you are and doesn't try to fix or change you anyhow. I think I don't love you now the same passionate way I did in initial stage. But I love you in my own way. And I'm sorry that it has taken me a long long long time to realise these things. I've wasted your time and this is the result, this is what I give you in return. Doesn't that tell you anything? Doesn't that tell you that if I loved you as much as before I wouldn't do those things to you? Still, my Himalaya, my Mt Everest I am not sure what I want exactly. I know that these lies must end right now. I can't lie to you and most of all I can't lie to myself because I am the one who I have to live with all my life. I'm responsible for myself and I don't want to hurt myself by being with a person that doesn't suit me at all. People, friends, boyfriends and girlfriends come and go and none of them are people you couldn't live without. Of course it is true that all those people make your life a lot more fun, interesting, deep and precious and worth living but one can survive without them too. This is exactly what you a while ago said to me. You said that you could also live without me, that at first it would naturally hurt and be so difficult but after a while things would get easier. You actually said you can live without me, do u still remember the day when we watched the movie WALK THE LINE?. Then why do yo speak now, when it is all coming to an end, as if you would die without me? Tell me. I want you to answer that question. Why do you think you can't live without me? Or do you think so? I want you to say that you won't harm yourself. Because after all I care about you so much. I love you my dear and right now it doesn't matter how I love you, as a friend or as a boyfriend. We both are still so young. We've got so much life ahead of us, or at least that it what can be assumed. I'm sure we both will reminisce this after 30 years and smile at us being all so serious and forgetting to have fun and live our lives independently. My Boy, you are NOT dependent on me. You are not dependent on anyone. You're so strong. And you have such a good attitude on life. I love you for being so kind and trying to do your best for me. I love your nature, thought I do not understand it so well. I love you being so happy and funny. And I hope that even without me in your life you can still be happy and you can find someone new. You are my first boyfriend. And I'm your third or fourth girlfriend, or that is what you have told me. There are a lot of people for both us to know, to experience life with them. Can you please explain me why, IF we now break up, WHY you don't want to keep in touch with me if we're not a couple? Why don't you want to keep me as a friend? Because I would like to keep you in my life even after this. One good thing that may come out of this possible break-up is that now you can go wherever you like. You don't have a reason to stay in this small boring town which you don't love. You can travel and meet new people. You can move wherever you like or abroad somewhere. I never wanted to restrain you, I never wanted to keep you doing all the things you love. But I think YOU yourself have partially restrained yourself from doing these things maybe because you've been afraid of hurting me. I love you my darling but I'm not the right one for you. The girl who lost her mind and LOVED you like a MAD -s- --------I TOOK HER PERMISSION TO PUBLISH the MAIL, as i told few dasy back I was sharing our stoyr in one forum..SHE WANTS HER NAME TO BE KEPT SECRET-- ---(She has no idea about SAJHA.COM)