THE 79TH ACADEMY AWARDS Departed evening of bloated, boring Hollywood babble Tim Goodman Monday, February 26, 2007 It was long. It was flat. And it was bloated. Worst of all, it was boring. In the time it could have taken to see two of the five best picture nominees, the 79th annual Academy Awards managed to become one of the least interesting television shows of the entire season. Below is a kind of timeline of the time suck that was the Oscars: -- Why is the preshow red carpet stuff so inherently bad? Yes, yes, you people who love it just love it so. But for the rest of us, it's just unbearable fawning and loads of bad questions, which, come to think of it, are probably related. -- Errol Morris did the opening film. The simplicity of it was a nice touch. Although much of the world might have been helped if a name and film title had been put below the faces. Just a thought. -- The odd thing about the Oscars is that after about 18 hours of buildup it starts with such a whimper. At least the Emmys -- one of the most boring of all awards shows -- starts with major categories. At the Oscars, it starts with someone from food services, segues into some kind of strange interpretive dance, trots out some kids and a slew of tech awards and hopes that you'll still be glued to your seat. You know you're in trouble when the best thing in the first 10 minutes is a commercial for the new iPhone. -- Will Ferrell, Jack Black and John C. Reilly temporarily brought it back, though. If you're going to do a musical, it should be done like that. -- Host Ellen DeGeneres is normally wonderful and has a quirky, low-key charm to her, but it seems that any host -- save for Billy Crystal and the late Johnny Carson -- has a tough time making a positive impression. "It's a dream come true," DeGeneres said of hosting. "Let that be a lesson to you kids out there. Aim lower." -- Those moments were nice, but it was difficult for Ellen's subtle rambling to translate because people want pop and humor and declarative sentences in their Academy Awards. Which they didn't exactly get. -- Ellen: "If there were no blacks, Jews or gays, there'd be no Oscars." Good line, but next time -- no tambourine. No walking down the aisles nonchalantly. -- Was that the worst-looking stage ever? As a matter of fact, it was. At least in the past 20 years. -- Is Nicole Kidman actually a cat? -- Jessica Biel may not yet have a great role under her arms, but she's sure got great arms. -- Loved the Diet Coke commercials. They should be a reminder to the Dove people that amateur ads look amateurish. -- Wait, wait, wait. These awards are deadly dull, and now they bring out James Taylor? What next, a lecture from Melissa Etheridge? Oh. -- "This show has officially gone green." -- Leonardo DiCaprio. Well, yeah, but it went boring about an hour ago. -- Apparently Al Gore has eaten the world's excess carbons. -- "Well, Valium does work." -- William Monahan, winner of the best adapted screenplay. So does 75 minutes of Oscar tedium. -- Wes Anderson's American Express commercial was witty and weird and oddly riveting. Maybe next year he can direct the Oscars? -- Is 90 minutes in too early to ask this question: Are you going to give out an award people care about? OK, that's cruel. A lot of deserving winners. It's true. But you just know it's going to run long and all the actors and directors people most want to see will be played off the stage because the show is hitting the eight-hour mark. The Oscars have always been a time-management blunder filmed for our alleged pleasure. -- Someone tell the movers and shakers in "the movie industry" to stop thanking themselves for changing and/or saving the world. Whether or not it's true, it's just unseemly. -- Robert Downey Jr. Love that guy. More self-effacing drug jokes make even the driest of affairs seem more pleasant. -- Let's get this thing worked out for when four people -- say, special-effects guys -- come onstage: History tells us, time and time again, that only two of you will be able to thank anyone; the other two will get cut off, rudely. And if the first guy stumbles over his words, the camera will cut away to Beyoncé. -- Thank God the guy from Germany, who sounded as if he was from the San Fernando Valley, won for "The Lives of Others" because at least he hadn't taken his Valium. -- Jennifer Hudson won. Do you think that annoyed Peter O'Toole somehow? -- The appearance of Jerry Seinfeld and his softly acceptable topical comedy was more welcome than ever. -- Hey, Al Gore, we've found a cure for global warming -- glacial pacing! -- In all seriousness, here is one major problem with the Academy Awards: By taking themselves so seriously, by wanting to separate themselves from the awards pack by being Very Important, the entire affair develops a fustian air that sucks the joy out of the room. Nobody can have much fun. Human blunders seem like being bad in church. An informal host like DeGeneres seems wrong. The expectations are absurd. Lighten up, Oscars. -- Oh, Lord, please don't be Celine Dion. Don't forsake us now! -- Was Clint Eastwood really translating for Ennio Morricone or making it up? And are they still talking? -- Reading the screenplays did not add drama. It just seemed awkward. "Olive stands next to the phone booth." -- Michael Arndt's acceptance speech for "Little Miss Sunshine" was short, sweet and pleasantly devoid of faux pauses. -- If Al Gore is as "inspiring" as everyone said, can he host next year? Direct? -- Michael Mann did a montage somewhere in the past six hours that was essentially your life passing by. -- Three hours, 12 minutes later -- best film editing. Yes! All right! Can sound effects be next? -- At the 3:20 mark, the score was Ellen three outfits, Oscars, two awards anyone cared about. -- Helen Mirren -- a true gold star. -- Oh, for God's sake, more interpretive dancing. We're out of here. And perfect! One of the backstage suck-ups just said, "Now it gets interesting."