Something to think about ... JON CARROLL Jon Carroll Thursday, February 15, 2007 There was a letter in This Very Newspaper the other day; it went like this: "How I light my bedroom should be just as much my own decision as what I do there." Well, no, actually, it shouldn't. If you lived next door to me and you chose to light your bedroom with 100 burning iguanas, I'd be darned glad that Big Brother was around to step in. Your sexual practices (unless they involve burning iguanas) are your own business, but we all live on this planet together, and our perceived rights should be balanced by our actual responsibilities. The issue at hand was fluorescent lights, particularly those curly little ones that fit into regular home light sockets. I have some, and they are marginally annoying, but having the oceans die will be annoying too. We're out of unannoying options. It would be nice if everyone cowboyed up on this one, but that does not seem to be happening. I am reminded of my youthful experience with the vacuum cleaner. My mother used to ask me to vacuum the house. I loved my vacuum. It made a big industrial noise, and it had a cool suction tube that could make small items disappear. It was sort of like owning a weapon, provided your primary enemies were dust bunnies. And here's the thing: It never occurred to me to wonder where all those dust bunnies and paper bits and cookie crumbs went. I thought it was magic, if I thought about it all. My mother was the one who changed the bag, and I was far older than I should have been before I realized there was a bag. I think a lot of us in the First World are sort of like that. Electricity comes from the socket and gas comes from the stove and wood comes from the lumberyard and food comes from the supermarket. I mean, we know in our large brains that it doesn't, but it sure is more convenient not to really consider the consequences, or believe that our role in the grand scheme of things is just not that important. And our role is not important. If it were just us, the skies would be clear and the water would be fresh and polar bears would enjoy unbroken snowfields to the horizon. It's the 6 billion "just us's" that cause the problem. And that's why we have (wait for it) government. It can organize people for the common good. It can offer carrots and apply sticks. It can make us aware of our collective responsibilities. We watch out for each other. We act from concern. Not that our current government is doing that. Our current government is joining the other governments of the world in endorsing the following plan of action: (1) Yes, global warming is real, and (2) it's not our problem. The United States points out the higher pollution levels in developing countries like China, China points to Americans using an unfair percentage of total resources, Russia says it's too poor right now to do anything, and Zimbabwe blames it all on colonialism. The Scandinavian countries are waving their hands and saying, "Hey, hey, right here, we're doing something," but, you know, they're always doing something, those Scandies. Can't go by the Scandies; we'd all be running from hot rooms and jumping into icy ponds if the Scandies had their way. OK, envision our entire ecosystem as a thug. It pretty much has us where it wants us. If it decides to take a hike, we are such complete toast. And the ecosystem is saying: "We can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way." The ecosystem, like any thug, is lying -- there is no easy way. But there's the mass-extinction thing, or there's the lots-of-readjustments-and-pain thing. Our choice. The offer is not on the table forever. At any moment, the ecosystem could get fed up and collapse. We really can't make a computer model of how or when it will happen, although we can see which way all the arrows are pointing. Saving energy is never a bad idea, you know. If your bedroom looks a little harsh and glary, have your fun in the daytime. I mean, that's not a bad idea just by itself. See, the thing is, there is a bag inside the vacuum cleaner. Everything does wind up in there, and we can't really just shake it out and start over. We have to reduce the dust bunnies per capita. I have no idea which way is the right way to do it; why don't we try all the ways, and sort out the results later? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There's the thug theory, and the vacuum bag theory, and the afternoon delights theory -- and all of them are true! So wonderful. So quit whining and nut up. You're right. If you can't do this, you are a failure. Josh can do this, and earlier today he ate a club sandwich with the toothpick still in it. Jenna can do this, and she was once engaged to David Blaine. Any dumb-dumb can act, Jack. So be a man and get jcarroll@sfchronicle.com.