I didn’t get a chance to get in touch with others for a while, but I had internal bleeding even though there was not any puncture on my body. I was in hospital for couple days and was in complete bed rest for 10days. Dad, mom had to go to work. I was in complete bedrest, not even allowed to go out of room. Saru, stayed with me for those 10days. She took care of my medication, checked my schedule for my medication, and got all my medicines in proper order. Always made sure I got something to eat before I get my medicines. My mom didn’t really have to worry, when she was around. She didn’t go to school for 10 days. That was pain for both of us. She was missing her classes for me. Every time I looked at her, I respected Saru more and love her more. What was the motivation for her to do all she did for me? There was none. The only fact was she was a girl, loving and caring by nature. Women cannot be rude, they cannot hate they are symbol of love and kindness. They share love in different forms; as a mother, as a wife as a friend as a sister and this was a relation without a name. It was more than friendship, I can’t disrespect our unique relationship calling it only friendship. There is no word to describe the emotional attachment we had after this incidence. It was not only her beauty but her behavior, it was not only her voice but also her character, it was not only her good look but also her soul that was attracting more and more towards her everyday. What ever I am thinking today, it did not happened suddenly. I did not wake up one day and decided to love Saru. It was accumulated over a certain period of time. The love and affection was generated over a decade. It was a love unspoken between us. I loved her and I believe she loved me too. Believed……………that was the root of my mental pressure today. I don’t really know if she loved me. I can’t read her mind and her behavior shows she does but……………… I wish I could go down on my knees, hold her hand in my hand and express my feeling to her. I wish I was able to pull out my heart and show her my heartbeat and the names it calls in every beat. I wish I could show the name that flows in my blood stream. I wish I could express the number of times my mind thinks about her every day and every night. I would go to the end of the world to tell her how much I loved her. A gentle word like a spark of light, Illuminates my soul And as each sound goes deeper, It's you that makes me whole There is no corner, no dark place, your love cannot fill And if the world starts causing waves, It's your devotion that makes them still And yes you always speak to me, In sweet honesty and truth Your caring heart keeps out the rain, your love, the ultimate roof So thank you my Love for being there, I For supporting me, my life I'll do the same for you, you know, You are my beautiful you are my life. “Ok all of you close your books and we have class test today.” Wow…….surprises comes in package. This was one of those packages. No one told me we had class test. *Saru, we had test today* my only trustable source of information. Its not that I don’t trust others, but it’s like I trust her more than myself. *Khai, I don’t remember* Saru answered. I have never heard it before. Saru is always up to date with everything. But this time…………..were we on the same dilemma………were we thinking same way? I don’t know the answer. Today it has been pretty rough for me. I am kind of loosing my mind. It was never like this before. Well, I have been saying this from morning and have not been able to get Saru out of my mind. Now, I need to be strong, need to speak my heart. I have to tell Saru, what I think. It is the best time. If I can’t tell her today, I can’t tell her ever in my life. I would rather suppress my feelings and would not let it out again. Letting your mind out is a different thing. Every one is not outspoken, every one cannot speak their heart. There is always a fear factor, the fear to lose your friend, the best friend. Saru………..she is not only a friend; she is more than a friend. But, now I have to decide. Decide on what I am going to say to her, decide on how I am going to tell her, that I LOVE her. How do I tell her that I wanted to live my life with her? How do I tell her that I wanted to be with her now, for rest of my life? How do I tell her, she is the one, the perfect one. How do I ask her, if I am the perfect one for her as well? What do I do, if she says NO. The fear to lose holds people from game lot of times. The fear to lose is dominant over the excitement to win. Every one wants to win but is scared to lose. The one scared to lose are the losers, they didn’t even try. I don’t want to be a loser, I want to be a winner, but am scared of losing. I want to say Saru…… You are my heart, you are my soul You are the one who makes me whole You are the missing part in my life You are the one who can guide my life You are the reason for me to live You are the reason for me to breathe You will feel my love when we are apart Knowing that nothing will change my heart When you are sad, I will dry your tears When you are scared, I will comfort your fears When you need love, my heart I will share When you are sick, for you I will care If the king can have his throne, if the birds can have their nest, if God can have his heaven, then oh! My sweetheart Why can’t I have u???? The fear should not hold me back. The fear to loose Saru will not hold me back from giving a new name to our friendship. A relationship between to heart and two souls has to be named. I have to be bold enough to speak my heart, and let my feeling flow out. As usual we came out of the school. I was quiet….so was she. I broke the silence. Saru *I have to tell you something* I could barely speak. *bhana Harkey* Saru replied She sounded like she knew what I was going to say. *Saru………………* I could not speak. She looked at me, as if she wanted to say she loves me too, but didn’t speak. There was a silence again……………….we both could not speak………. A longer silence was broken by my words *Saru…..I LOVE YOU………..* I spoke. Saru looked at me with a big question mark in her eyes. As if she wanted to say ‘what took you so long to say that, why didn’t u say that before, I knew that but was waiting to hear from you’ but didn’t speak a word. I continued again. *Saru, I wanted to say this a long time ago, but some kind of fear had hold be back, the fear to lose you, the fear to lose your friendship and the fear to lose our happiness* I continued………….*Saru, I don’t know what you think and what you want but as for me; you are the only one I think about all the time. You are the perfect one for me* Saru looked at me. I could feel the change on her face. The change for good, the change for acceptance and the change for approval, but did not hear that from her. I am happy for letting her know my feeling. The thoughts that were ruling my mind for ages were gone now. The feeling prevailing my heart were erased, the word I wanted to speak was spoken. She did not say anything, but I could feel the comfort she was into. Her comfort and the ease she was into forced me to believe, her decision was long made. She was waiting for me to speak; she was waiting for me to go a step further. We went home, together as usual, but with a promise to name our relationship and our friendship. A name that will not be questioned by society, a name that will not be questioned by friends, a relation that will keep us together for ever and ever and ever. I will never forget this day, the most important day in my life. It is the day, when I got my Saru, when I got my destination, when I got my direction. Now, I have a direction for destination and have destination to find direction as well. Now I knew where I was heading, now I knew what I was doing. We have our exam on our head. We have to work hard for the board exam. Saru came to may place, she was with me for the whole day. Our never ending talks and never ending studies went hand on hand. I felt myself as the happiest person on earth then. Saru’s parents had invited us for the dinner. It was a kind of small get together, not a big party. She went home to help her mom and I was home watching movie. We went to her place on time. My mom was there a little while ago. There was no formalities between our families, so there was no specified time. I was the one to go last. I went in, Saru was there smiling, we looked at each other and smiled. There was nothing more we could do except smiling at each other. The reason for that dinner was not specified yet, it was a surprise……….. Surprises were being unwrapped slowly. I would care less about the surprises. I don’t think those surprises would affect my life. I got my Saru, who cares about the rest. I was happy, and I think world was happy with me. There is nothing to care about for me now. Uncle (Saru’s dad) starting with a big smile on his face. *Let me start with ‘happy holi’ first. This party is because I got a job in a good company in New Zealand and have to report by the end of third week from today. So, we are leaving, Nepal* We !!!!!!!! where did that WE come from. I was surprised…………..He has been an advocate of education and studies. So, I was sure Saru would be staying back. *Good news is we are going abroad, good pay and we already have place to live there. Bad news is we would be missing all of you* he continued. I could not believe what I heard. I didn’t hear what he said after that. The smile on my face was slowly gone and so was Saru’s. I felt like sky was falling on me. I looked at Saru……….there were question in my eyes “Why didn’t you tell me before, why didn’t u?” My question was unanswered, but I believe Saru would tell me, if she knew about it. How can I be wrong about Saru? She’s the one I understand the most, she’s the one I know the most, she’s the one I love the most. *But………..* I spoke * Saru ko exam, usko SLC cha ni* (Saru’s exam, she has board exam) a very unsuccessful attempt to change their decision. I knew it won’t, but still a hope……… *Saru, will complete her education there and will also start her higher education there. She has opportunity to study abroad now, and you CAN join her too* was uncle’s answer in a firm voice. I CAN………where did this can come from. Wasn’t it supposed to be SHOULD…… but they would not understand us and neither would they understand our love for each other. Saru………I could see tears in her eyes……..the eyes I promised to not let it wet with tears, was full of tears today. The heart, I promised would take care of for ever and ever was broken. I broke my promise……but I didn’t do it on purpose……..or I didn’t do it either. But still, I felt guilty for that. Saru, didn’t come to school after that. We, had nothing to say to each other…….everytime we met, we looked at each other, I have millions of questions to her…..and I can see millions of questions on her eyes too……..all of them unanswered. None of us could answer each other’s questions…or there were no answers for those questions. Our questions unanswered…………who would answer it ? Our promises broken……………who broke it? Our heart crushed…………who crushed it? ………………….Ring!!!!!!!!!! Ring!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My alarm still goes off. At the same time as it used to……but there is no one to say *HarkeySSSSSS…............................* She was gone…. I ears are still waiting for……. The voice I would never hear again. The face I might not see again. The soul I would never meet again. The LOVE I would never find again…… Saru ko yaad maa ma ajhai tadpi raheko chu…………… There is no remedy for love but to love more. - Thoreau - There is no end for LOVE -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- harkeDai --------------------------------------------------------------------------------