i was furious at myself for misspelling abstract. i would not let go. calm the f down. it was a silly typo. it is all right. but no sir. that would not work. bumming ciggies from strangers who happen to be my coworkers i agonized over abstact. like ass tack. absolutely tragic! sic pax abs. absolution. abstacky! the venom of the blue smoke. the abolute wretched venom of a the glorious typo. ryan was the one who bummed me one of his parliament lights. and the blue bic too. is bic a ballpoint pen or a lighter? so the next time i went to ryan with a quarter. "i thought you did not smoke?" and i was doing so well. for the last three months and ten days. smokefree. no bluish tinge infront of me. but then this. i did not want to take the quarter. the next time i went without a quarter and promised him that i will buy him a fresh pack of Parliaments, someday. no need, buddy. well then i will light the freaking thing up. i will light up these tacky -abstacky - chairs, these fine tables, and the paper that we waste like the rainforest was endless. so what was the agony about? where has fury hidden? all behind the haze of one evening when the world came to a standstill. REPINE thou Swine! thou vile creature of the misfortunate lot! and you smoke like a chimney too... i wont kiss you if you smoke. fine, then dont. i am the kiss of death anyway. so where is the abs, the ass, how will i ever find the tact to savor the uneasy arrangements? i ask too many questions, frankly i know what ails me. i really do. i need no shrinks in their shrouds of three-piece suits, i fu*king know what is it that ails me. I ASK too many goddamn question. where is the time, the energy, the logistics of trying to analyze each of my questions. the list itself reads like a freaking mahabharat. endless verses of beautifully crafted, logically sound and literally ornate questions of doom. the legions of queries about why i misspelled a simple word. or why i mis-smoked myself out of a of smokefree reign. but that is beating the bushes. those are not the important questions. i will tell you what ails me - i dont ask, better yet, i refuse to ask, i will absolutely never ask the simplest of question of them all. what ails me?