OLYMPIC CONDOMS A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. "Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?" "There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze." "What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily. "Gold of course," says the man proudly. The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED 1. "The cucumber has left the salad." 2. "Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out." 3. "Your soldier ain't so unknown now." 4. "Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells." 5. "Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!" 6. "Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod." 7. "You've got your fly set for Monica instead of Hillary." 8. "You've got a security breach at Los Pantaloons." 9. "I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?" 10. "Men are From Mars, women can see Your Penis." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 20 REASONS WHY A QUICKIE BEATS MARATHON SEX 1. No repetitive-stress injuries. 2. Knocks out insomnia faster than two tabs of Tylenol PM and a Bud tallboy. 3. Two words: less sweat. 4. On deadline? No problem! 5. Saves on batteries. 6. No guilt associated with saying, "I think it's time for you to go home now." 7. Two more words: stress reduction. 8. Makes for an interesting elevator ride. 9. Won't ruin your lipstick. 10. Great way to kill time while stuck in traffic on the way to the beach (if you don't mind rubberneckers). 11. Sometimes you just don't want your toes sucked. 12. You don't have to worry about remembering your partner's name. 13. Performance anxiety? What's that? 14. It's something to do while talking to your parents on the phone. 15. Doesn't give you enough time to notice he or she smells bad. 16. You don't have to suffer the embarrassment of having an orgasm in front of someone you hardly know. 17. You can have your after-sex cig in the cab. That is, after having sex in the cab. 18. A line doesn't form outside the bathroom at the party. 19. Dinner doesn't get cold. 20. Pillow talk? What's that! --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 10 REJECTION LINES GIVEN BY WOMEN (and what they actually mean) 10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.") 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one Jurassic geezer.) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.) 6. I've got a boyfriend. (Who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.) 5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) 2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.) 1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MARRIED A NUN Not long after his marriage, Ernie Junior and his father Ernie senior, met for lunch. "Well son," asked Ernie senior, "How is married life treating you?" "Not very well, I'm afraid," sighed junior. "It seems I married a nun." "A nun?" his father questioned. "That's right," moaned Ernie junior. "None in the morning, none at night, and none at all unless I beg!" Ernie senior nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back a couple of times. "Why don't we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice talk?" Young Ernie smiled, "Say, Dad, that's a great idea!" "Fine," replied Ernie senior, "I'll call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra plates." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ CHICKEN A little boy and girl at school having lunch in the shelter shed. "Tommy," she said, "I'm not eating any more chicken sandwiches." "Why?" he asked. "Cause I'm starting to grow feathers down here," she said, pointing to the bottom of her tummy. "I don't believe you!" he said. "You'll have to show me." Behind the shed they went, where the inspection took place. "Gee, you're right," he said. "I've been eating a lot of chicken, perhaps I'm getting feathers too." "Well, I'd better have a look," she said. After a lengthy examination, she looked up and said, "Oh, I think it's too late for you, you've got the neck and giblets too!"