TOO MANY IDIOTS ON THE HIGHWAY Have you ever noticed there are more idiots on the highway than anywhere else? I don't mean this in a bad way. I've just heard many motorists refer to other drivers as "idiots." "Look at that idiot," they say. "His turn signal has been on for 20 minutes." Someone who runs a red light is almost certainly an idiot. Perhaps even a stupid idiot (as opposed to a smart idiot). Someone who drives faster than about 85 miles per hour is also an idiot. So is somone who drives under the speed limit. Somehow, no matter how hard you look on the highway, you'll never find a genius. With so many idiots out there, you'd expect to find at least one genius. But I have yet to see a cop pulling over a perfect driver to shake her hand. I have yet to hear a motorist say, "Did you see that guy? He just made a perfect turn. He's a genius." Even if a woman drives her entire life without a single traffic violation, no one will bring it up at her funeral. No one will say, "Helga was such a good driver. The highway will never be the same." Unfortunately, the highway has only two types of drivers: normal drivers and idiots. Once you're an idiot, it's tough to become a normal driver. Especially if your insurance company has moved you to the idiot class. You make one mistake, cause one accident, and suddenly you're paying much more for car insurance than rent. To save you some trouble, the insurance company asks you to mail your paycheck directly to them. "We can spend it more wisely," they say. "You're an idiot." Realizing you can't afford to have another accident, you decide to be extra-cautious on the road. You hesitate when merging with traffic. You resist passing an Amish buggy. You even stop at a yellow light. Guess what? You're an idiot again. The driver behind you is certain of this. He honks and yells, "Go, you idiot. What are you stopping for?" Before long, you forget all about your accident -- you're only human -- and you turn into Mario Andretti again. You drive so fast, you even manage to pass a tractor-trailer. But your luck runs out again and a cop pulls you over. He listens to your excuse: "I'm sorry, officer. I'm an idiot." The cop has no sympathy. He has already ticketed 89 other idiots. Some thought the speed limit was only for people with cheap cars. Others were trying to save gas. A few were certifiable idiots: They were in a hurry to get to their in-laws. Your insurance company gets word of your ticket and cancels your policy. They'd rather insure Mike Tyson. Now you're stuck being an idiot. Everyone sees you thumbing a ride. And drivers like me just smile. I know what it's like to be an idiot. I once ran a red light by accident. My Mazda was struck by a mini-van and spun into another car. A cop arrived at the scene in an instant, popping out of the car I had just dented. This accident almost put me in the Idiot Hall of Shame. But the selection committee decided to save room for Halle Berry. Considering how many idiots are on the highway, it's a wonder normal people drive with them. It's almost like handing out guns at the post office. It would make more sense to erect new signs on the highway: "Left lane reserved for idiots." The left lane would be packed, leaving the right lane safe for your great-grandmother. Of course, some people shouldn't be allowed to drive -- the ones who drink and drive. These people are guilty of driving while D.U.I. (Definitely Ultimate Idiots). They get an automatic entry into the Hall of Shame. For at least five years, these people should be forced to hitchhike and drink nothing but prune juice. Some might consider this cruel and unusual punishment. As for me, I'd rather keep the roads safe. Besides, the prune industry could use a boost.