****************************************************************** A man goes to a tattoo artist and says: "I'd like you to tattoo a one-hundred dollar bill onto my dick." The tattoo artist is surprised: "Well, that could hurt a lot! Why would you want a 100 dollar bill on your dick?" The man answers, "Three reasons: 1. I like to watch my money grow, 2. I like to play with my money, 3. And next time my wife wants to blow a hundred bucks she won't have to leave the house!" ******************************************************************** A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem. In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself". One the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He's so horny and keen to try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board. After a few minutes ?slap and tickle?, they find themselves in the '69' position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor?s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it. The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!" ******************************************************************* An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "You can write with your other hand." ******************************************************************** A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's a little too well-endowed. In fact, it's 25 inches long and he can't get any women to have sex with him. Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but recommends a witch doctor that he thinks might be able to help. The witch doctor takes a look at the problem and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter." Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest. He finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Frog, will you marry me?" The frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No." The guy looks down and sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great he thinks, let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" The frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!" Zappo! The guy's down to 15 inches. Well, that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Frog, will you marry me?" The irritated frog yells back, "Look, how many times do I have to tell you? No, No, NO!" ******************************************************************** To be continue....