myohmyoh, this is an very good job you have embarked upon. However I when I read this poem I feel that the translation does not translate the essence and depth of the original version. I know it is difficult to translate the essense when you translate it word by word and it might seem that you are translating your own understanding of the poem. However, when I read the english translation of greek works, the translations does not go word by word. They translate sentences rather and people usually get into debate what the sentence is trying to say. Since the thing you are translating is a poem, it gives you more freedom on choice of words and rhymes. I can read your translation perfectly because as I read it I translate it back to Nepali and even remember the exact lines from the original poem and it is beautiful, nevertheless it can be made to sound much beautiful in literal english as well.