Posted by: Bennedict October 13, 2020
Ring Ring!
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Undie ji,
I appreciate your constructive criticism. Have to say, my eyes have been used to seeing all the graphic details of your sex life and the anatomy of a female body, you so generously portray here in Sajha, so something like this is a fresh breath of air to everybody, I hope.
I will try my best to field your critique in the following lines.

#The title ‘Ring Ring!’ may sound like a kindergarten rhyme, yes but I was trying to give a tribute to the Abba song called ‘Ring Ring’. You could do the honor of googling the song. It may sound funny to you, but I had been a fan to some of their songs ever since I was a kid. Call me an old school for that. Will take it in good humor.

#Well, about the redundant sentences you pointed out in your first underlined paragraph, I agree a conjunction would have better merge them together. What I was thinking at that time was I was trying to describe the scene, the actions that were being played in series just to let to know the readers that how did I end up in a car. I like the option you gave me though, but it kind of sounded too intelligent for a protagonist who is pictured here as this flawed guy in reality, but still I like your paraphrasing.

#I agree “moved out swiftly” could have been replaced with “got out of the seat swiftly” or something in the same line. Now I have to be outside to open the door for the lady right? That was just a mention to the readers that I was out already so that was why I was opening the door for her. She could have opened the door, herself, I agree.

#About phone ringing vehemently, what I was doing there was ‘personifying the inanimate objects’. Like we can say, “the door shrieked a yelp” or the “mountains stood tall”. There are more examples there but I am out of them currently. Regarding “gateway move out”, yes that was a mistake in spelling. Thank you for pointing that out. You got the meaning, I was hatching a plan to have a smooth getaway. I could have dropped ‘move out’.

#Again, the necklace reaching the back pocket of my pants was nothing but exploring a case of personification. Instead of saying I furtively hid it under my clothing, I painted this picture as if the necklace made its own way to my pants, kind of laying blame on the necklace and not me.

#“I stopped the car at nowhere” was to let the readers know that the car was already stopped somewhere while this bickering was going on inside the vehicle. I should have used the past perfect verb like ‘had stopped’, I felt that after rereading the whole scene. ‘at nowhere’ meant I did not know where it was late at the night. Otherwise, how would you configure that speech to tell the readers that you are in the middle of nowhere?

#The blade is called ‘indispensable’, as this was something I needed right at the moment, it empowered me while travelling late nights or while arguing with the lady unable to hide my guilt. I can survive without it but not in those moments.

#Phone ringing ‘callously’ again is personification. I was in the middle of my slumber and then when a phone rings disturbing your sleep, even a low volume ring tone sounds like it is yelling at you, irritating you as now you are awake.

#I appreciate the fix you offered me, but I belong to that category, when you do not have to write everything literally to tell the readers that you were indeed ‘dreaming’. Your settings, your mood of the story and your characterization should be enough to tell you that it was a dream. I do not believe in yelling to readers that it was my dream. This can make them feel stupid that they could not even figure out what I was picturing for them. ‘Show do not tell’, my professors would always hurl those lines at me.

#“Rushing, I picked up the phone” was my way of using gerund in the front to describe my action, like when you say, ‘Sweating, I reached for the towel’ or something like that. It shortens the sentence, While I was sweating, I reached out for the towel’. My way of avoiding redundancy.

#I understand this kind of closure has been well tried out and explored a millionth times by all the writers all around. I agree it may lack originality and all, but well I tried considering the fact that I am not a native English speaker and many a times, I think in my Nepalese way, trying to interpret the emotions in American way. It can make a big mess and at times some funny spectacle for other people.

I used to read a lot in the past but not anymore, because of the digital interventions in my life. I think it is the same for everybody, but still writing used to give me so much high one time in my life, now I am lost and you know it better. I used to get inspired reading about writers such as Kahlil Gibran, who was Lebanese immigrant but later learnt English as an adult and made a big name for himself in the history of American literature. There are engravings of his accomplishment in front of Boston Public Library and this used to make me feel so proud and it still does till to this day. But anyway, that was some journey down the memory lane!

I appreciate your crit. I will try to keep them in mind for future.
Last edited: 13-Oct-20 02:50 PM
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