Posted by: underwear October 13, 2020
Ring Ring!
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Commendable effort in all honesty, also very much banal, but could have been better. My take -

 - Title is puerile, 'Ring Ring' really does sound like a kindergarten rhyme.

 - Tad long, could have been a bit short.

- "I locked my apartment, took the keys with me and walked down the stairs. I started my car. As I was driving I kept on thinking whether I should have gone myself to help this poor soul or ask somebody like cops for example to take care of her." First two sentences aren't necessary, also, the period between those two sentences could have been replaced by a conjunction if deemed compulsory. In the last sentence, better paraphrasing is recommended. How about - "While driving, I was constantly debating against my wisdom to help the poor woman with a simple phone call to the cops".

-Few forced insertion of vocabularies and sentence structures to make the story sound grandiose or interesting - doesn't really work well most of the time. For instance - "moved out swiftly to open the door" means what? Why was this necessary? "Moved out"??? Also why does the phone ring vehemently? Vehement is often used to portray passion and ardor between exchanges. Phone is lifeless. Also what does "gateway move out" mean? You mean "getaway"?

- "The necklace reached the back pocket of my pant". You are clearly struggling how to land a good narrative. You didn't explain how you reached out for it and then how you managed to furtively hide it inside your clothing. Also, what does "I stopped the car at nowhere" mean? And for the love of god, why is that blade "indispensable", you can survive without it, can't you? Why would the phone ring "callously"? You are again mistaking human emotion with a lifeless object searching for a better verbiage.

- All the while my adrenaline level gets pumping. I feel so wasted but no I was relieved to know that I was not going to murder her. A simple fix - "I suddenly woke up to find myself sweating profusely and as my mind was trying to keep up with my escalated heartbeat, I, suddenly was relieved that it was just a dream."

 - "Rushing I picked up the phone". SMH. Seriously? How about "I scurried to pick the phone amid raging heartbeats"?

 - You wanted to pack a punch with that closure, but ends like that have long been drafted by several writers, lacks originality.

Once again, commendable effort, but you aren't there yet. So read more. Reading more results in better skript and better writing skills.

 You're welcome.

Last edited: 13-Oct-20 01:26 PM
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