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 Commander Sandhurst and his 'Hard Thingy'!!...Sandhurst Lahure

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Posted on 11-17-05 3:55 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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To Lady Croft, for your humour.


"Commander Sandhurst and his 'Hard Thingy'"
Chapter one

It was a warm-balmy-sunny Wednesday afternoon - Commander Sandhurst's weekly sports afternoon which he normally used for practising his golfing shots out on the neatly pruned grass field that stretched from the garden of the ground floor of his office block towards all three directions. His elite unit, the Scorpio Battalion, the mighty veterans of Operation DE-SA(JHA)-ERT STORM, had recently returned to the base after a successful conclusion of Operation DALLE KHORSANEE in the Cyber land, and the bulk of personnel under him were having post-operational break; he could see his men playing either football or rugby in the field for most of the time from the wide double-glazed window of his office. The southern edge of the pitch ran along a dizzyingly sharp and rugged cliff, beyond which lay a vast sharply-tinted bluey expanse of the Sajha-lantic ocean with a haphazard fleet of sailing boats and occasional smattering of small ferries dotting everywhere. On a clear day, he loved watching the sailing boats disappear into the horizon over coffee and bites of Scottish shortbreads which the barman from the mess fetched every morning during weekdays.

But Commander Sandhurst was not playing golf this afternoon. His usual golfing kit and a net full of balls which he carried to the pitch with a certain swagger and an air of self-assurance, were nowhere to be seen this afternoon. He was in his office - yes, you heard it, fuming and probably cursing and cussing. Or so thought his wiry handsome Adjutant next door, who wore his beret in such a way that he always left a wisp of hair hanging loose from the side reams of it. On a Wednesday afternoon and clad in his complete PT gears? Bloody hell.

'Adjutant', just as he stood up to step out of his office, he heard his boss calling.

'Yes sir' said gently the Adjutant opening his boss's door slightly.

'Do you have the file ready yet?'

What bloody file? That gave his Adjutant a severe head-in. Oh, Private Croft's interview file - bloody hell. Only now could he remember it was Private Croft's interview with him, the former's sole reason for giving up his sports afternoon. 'Ermm, Sir, will bring it in'. Bloody friggin hell, he cursed himself and rushed to his office to get the file.

Private Croft was on attachment to the unit from a Logistical Brigade and has been with the Scorpio battalion for over a year and a half. She was a well-known Smart-alec. Every Tom, Dick or Harry in the battalion knew that and nobody dared try mucking up with her. Because she was smart as well as pretty. A ravishingly dashing beauty, any man's dream girl and doubtless, the men wanted to have a bite at this fiery Crofty pie that had been wreaking havoc in their hearts for the last twelve months or so. Then there was her level of physical fitness that most male members in her platoon found hard to swallow; she was a robust soldier who could beat her male counterparts in most of the physical tests. In drinking and swearing down in the pub and night clubs too. Such was her reputation but the smitten male lot looked up to her bewilderingly with both a level of respect and a tinge of envy.

Left, right, left. This was Private Croft's beefy Platoon Sergeant shouting on top of his lunge. His words of command brought with them tremors that reverberated though the corridors of the Headqaurters.

'Left, left, left, HOLD. Look up Crofty, UP, UP an straight on, your beret is f*ckin tiltin' to the back. F*ckin wear it properly before I f*ckin shove it into the shredding machine. Private Croft, ready for the Commander's order Sur', reported the scary looking sergeant, standing at attention and looking directly into the eyes of the nervous Adjuant. The sergeant being a typical Infantry field soldier, had that rough i-will-eat-you-alive look and air about him.

'Sergeant, thank you, you can dismiss for now to your barrack lines and wait until the Commander is through with the proceedings.'', said the Adjutant who escorted Private Croft into the Commander's office. The sergeant had left. He waited outside in the corridor, assuming that the order will be short and swift. Then he heard words flying in his boss's office. Bloody friggin hell.

'Private Croft, what in the world were you thinking when you went on AWOL? Can you tell me why?'. This was the boss going about his bollocking business.

'Err Sur, but I was inside de camp that nite, innit? Coz I remember, it was ur birthday too innit? an there was cakes to be eaten, innit?'. And this was Private Croft. Oh, yeah, yeah, blagh blagh, yap, yap smarty arse speaking her way out of the mess. Again. Thought the Adjutant, head nodding. One big yap-yap dot com (yap-yap.com), she turned out to be. He smiled this time.

'An I wished you 'aapy burfday' on de 11th, innit?', again Private Croft.

'Yeah, Croft, I know, you did but that's not the point here, is it? You categorically failed to sign in at the Guard Room when you returned. Okay you'd arrived before the time you were supposed to but since the register shows no record of your arrival time written. And that means you'd gone on AWOL.', Commander Sandhurst blurted out.

'Yeah, well metaphorically', Croft again. The adjutant kept on smiling - you know one of those wicked musu-musu smiles.

'Now Goddmmit Croft, enough of your woffles. Hands down - 100 bloody push-ups', the boss fuming. The Adjutant was visualising the unfolding scene inside the closed door. 100 push-ups? Bloody friggin hell!

'But sur, I thought I waz gonna do a 10 rounds of the football ground, innit??', the smart arse Croft again.

'Now shut your flipping mouth, and hands(h) down', Commander Sandhurst raising his voice that had all the hallmarks of the Sean Connery sound effect, especially with the way he couldn't differentiate between a single letter 's' and the letters 'sh' when pronouncing them. He always pronounced the 's' sound as in fish, wish. So kiss was for him 'kish', and miss, 'mish'. So, handsh bloody down!

'1, 2, 3, 4',, the counting began. The Adjutant pitied Private Croft and wished he had never brought this case to the attention of his boss. The counting had begun. In earnest. Adjutant thought, Private Croft being Private Croft would finish the 100th push up in a matter of minutes, so he could go and watch the England vs New Zealand rugby in the mess. Alas, little did he know that the order was going to take way more than he though, it would. Much to his annoyance.

'Your thingy is hard, innit?', the smart arse Croft. What? The Adjutant's stood now in rapt attention, heart pouncing in a complete and utter confusion. Doing push-ups and talking about 'thingy'. What in the bloody world is happening there?

'Yeah, hard, isn't it? Catch it properly, will you?', What?

'Oh legs apart a bit please'. The Commander again. What in the f*cking world is happening there?

Then he realised that his boss's commands were slowly changing with each utterance of the numbers, 60, 61, 70, the sharp deep effect of his voice slowly mutating into humming murmurs with his fits of puffing, panting and moaning. 'Oh yes, oh, count it, god I should do it more often'. Yeah, do that OFTEN in your bloody coffin!

Then 'ping'! Something clicked in his mind instantaneously. The pearl of wisdom = Monica Lewinsky. The only clue left to the 'hard thingy' conundrum. See, such a thing called nfatuation' too does come in handy. The Commander was well aware of his fantasy about this certain brunette creature who had wreaked havoc in the corners of a certain 'white' house not long ago. And besides, he had watched the Larry King interview on tele only last week. Yeah, with Lewinsky in it, talking in person. Bastard. The boss is shagging Private Croft. Bloody friggin hell. In his office and in front of my friggin nose. Sad old friggin git. F*ck, f*ck bloody f*ck. I must stop it before the whole bloody world knows about it. Yes, must do it, resolved. Then in a fit of both excitement and confusion, he swung open his boss's door with all his strength, and lo, there was his boss lying on the floor, completely tuckered out, panting. Caught in the bloody act.

'Oh hello Danny, not yet finished', said his boss smiling. Danny - that was his Adjutant's first name.

Then carried on his boss again, 'I thought, I should do some push-ups to burn off the fat on my tummy that I have put on from the summer ball and the parties after that. Private Croft, can you hold the bar (the 'hard thingy') properly over my feet, another 20 yeah?'

'Please carry on Sur, de pleasure is mine, innit?', said Private Croft smiling, looking smugly at the Adjutant who was clearly shaken and embarrassed.

'Oh, sorry Sir', Danny, the Adjutant slammed shut the door behind him hard and stormed out of the office building, fuming - swearing and cursing at his boss. He did not returned to the office that day.

**************The End********************************


 
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Posted on 11-18-05 3:02 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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baadar ask her where she is?maybe in someone ko office wahahaha ;oP hehe...

anyways adjutant danny came to sign in and sign off re kya ;oP hehe...
well dyam wanna type some lyrics now but gotta rush off to smwhere..jahiley rush :oS...

good day everyone...hello commander ;oP hehe

danny
 
Posted on 11-18-05 10:13 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Hey, hey, Sandhurst Lahure -

I must confess that I braced myself, albeit reluctantly, for a story about the adventures of your wee-wee when first I clicked on the title. The mention of another Sajha user aroused my curiosity and I thought you had decided, perhaps in a bout of November madness, to spill the beans to a gossip-hungry Sajha public! I am embarassed at my thoughts but at the same time glad the story turned out the way it did - great job writing it.

BTW, I hope the protagonist hasn't petitioned for a court marshal ...LOL

:)
 
Posted on 11-19-05 12:46 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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:) हाजिर!!!
 
Posted on 11-21-05 7:25 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Lau Seerey puni aailaagechhan gaanthe teo goru ki gaai tol re ? - ke bhanchha Cowtown bata.. Kataa baata baato biraayechhan yini le aaja! Lau theng-kee-u chha hai Seerey laai.. (Malaya ma bharti bhayera aajkal eenglis sikyaa chhu kyaa :))... केनडाँडा re? hahahaha....

"डिरिल" khelaamna auchhu hai ma - two केनडाँडा tira. 2003 ko summer maa aako thiyen.. Seerey singa bhet bhayena ke rey... Baanfff ki saanf tira machha maarna gaiyo, anta kheri Seerey laai khahan diril khelaamne ta ni! :)

Jokes aside, so nice of you to have popped in. Much appreciated. Hope that the Cowtown gales have not dampened your always funny and lively spirit! Some fond memories from Alberta - the Rockies and Banff; missed Calgary though during my quiet 2003 sojourn to your part of the world. Cowtown and a hot cuppa at your place won't be going amiss, next time I am there. Pukka ho.

Hey, 'keep it rolling' mate! :)
*******************************************************************
redstone,
whose laddu mithai in the flippin world are you talking about?

**************************************************************
SITARA,
Yes, playing hooky indeed! I know, I know, Madam, but you'll agree that it is more fun sometimes than playing with those 'crooked sticks'. Especially when these sticks have now given my poor hands so much grief lately - the blisters scabs on my palms have turned into an unwelcome sight of calluses. grrrr.. :)

Oh, the Kipling leviathon wil be a little too heavy for yours truly to contain - so, he'd better be happy with his teeny-weeny Bambi! Where's Thumper gone by the way:)
V. many thanks, as always, Madam.

Ps: Hope my extraordinary burst of French (!) was gracefully excused this time!
*******************************************************************
Mr Doe,
Shall I bring in the lusty pachyderm with a thick mud-dappled hide to the fold? And leave it in your safe hands? Hmm,,, food for thought eh! :) If your mumbo/jumbo charge were to start behaving beastly with his titillating tantrums going all haywire, a Scud missile will be an option. But have the pachy-dermy-chap tethered to the oak tree outside your house, then fire the missile. Important safety drills, you see! :) Howaboutthat huh?

Cheers for reading
*****************************************************************
Mr Galt,
Okay, your Mowgli role sorted, who's gonna play Sher Khan? :)

*************************************************************
My old Etonian/Oxonian Adjutant, Capt Danny Rex,
Who's this elusive laddu?

**************************************************************
Ohh hey.. Capt Haddock (Captain oh Captain!) :))

It's me again. Yeah again, bowing scaldin' hot one moment and freezin' bloody cold, the next.. :)) But didn't you hear: Ps: my central heating is down, innit? :)))

Almost spilled the guts eh.. or so the gossip-hungry Sajha public thought! :) As for the court martial petitioning, well the protagonist has not reported to the Commander with an express wish. So, until and unless that happens, he'd better get back to his business of push-ups!

""Adjutant, hold the bar for me this time - another 50 push-ups and you've got a day off today"" :)

Thank you for reading my non-sense, Captain!
******************************************************************
Okay, Corporal Nirman,
Where in the bloody world have you bee hiding so far? Another charge order for you!

"""Adjutant, get me the flippin file for Corporal bloody Nirman - another AWOL case, for chrissake!"" :)

Your हाजिर!!! is most gratefull received.

PS: Where's Private Matrixrose by the way? She's got until mid-night tonight to report to the Commander before a charge report is raised for her too. Hmmm.....
**********************************

Have a good day all. Here's to laughter and life.
Carpe diem
 
Posted on 11-21-05 7:39 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Hahahahaha, this is one hilarious piece. calls for a major ROFL, haha. Poor Danny's overactive imagination ;)
 
Posted on 11-21-05 7:41 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Hahhahaa.. :) keep it coming!! wanna read more bout my double gudiya! hehehe
 
Posted on 11-21-05 8:13 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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लाउरे दाजु... MORE...:)
 
Posted on 11-21-05 10:16 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Meera,
Thanks for reading my non-sense woffle. I know, poor Danny isn't he? My Eton/Oxford educated wiry Adjutant! :) I will be including some of his ubiquitous sing-lish burrs in the next grand gripping Sandhurst tale which is due out in a few weeks time. So, fingers crossed. Dyaaaam,, sheesh.. :) Come on, Adj, help me out on this, will you? :)

Hey, what is ROFL btw? My grasp of the cyber acronyms is something that I am keen to improve on.. Hey, I know what LOL is. So, let me keep on LOL-ing and ..ing! :) Cheers.
No, I won't be singing one of those oldies this time (haamro chain kaam chhaina ki kya ho!)... I am in such a foul mood today - innit?? :)

*********************************************
Jellybeans,
Cheers mate. Thanks for popping in. Outrageous, isn't it? Private Croft would say - Innit! :) Glad that you found the piece funny. Hey, why not come and do a cameo role in the next tale which I hope to write in due course. hmmm.. food for thought eh!

***************************************************
Lau mero Maailo bhai feri ayechha,
Yeo kothaa ko haru ta hudaina gaanthe.. mailo lai fa-lying kick matra hanchan... ba-lak belt ki fa-lak bel re.. bu-rus lee mattai chha ke rey! Aabo, Mailo laai liyera Seerey ko Ken-Danda tiraai jaam bhandechhu lau jaa, buhari ta khojnai paro. :)

Aarko cheinjo kyaare jo chha kya naam, chittai aune waalaa chha.. tes maa Mailo ko puni bhumika raakhne walaa chhu... lau jaa.. :)

*******************************************
Cheers all, signing off for the day. Have a good day.
Carpe diem
 
Posted on 11-21-05 10:39 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Commander Sandhurst,
Must say that the heading of the thread had me rather apprehensive as to what I may find in the post ---especially the "hard thingy" part of it :-)
...I'm no longer surprised that you seemingly devour the books and wit of Wilde--you have a very imaginative mind coupled with an abundance of dry humour (just what I needed to give me some much needed respite from the horrors of exams)

Since everyone else seems to be clamoring for parts in this still unfolding novel, might mere mortals such as me aspire to these pretensions as well? I sure hope so :-)

It was a magnificent read --although I am not sure what Lady Croft's response to the role of the Proagonist may be--hopefully she won't turn you into fodder for the cannons ensconsed within the grounds of Sandhurst!!

Give us fair warning before posting the next installment would you--my cheek muscles took a rather heavy battering with all the laughter you put me through!!
 
Posted on 11-21-05 5:05 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Sandhurst,

This was very funny...the title threw me off a bit and the more I read, the more I thought the push ups had turned into something to the south :-) but...the ending was hillarious.

I agree with Nepaali, next time, post a bit of a warning....I haven't laughed that hard in a long time!I am waiting for the next installment.
 
Posted on 11-21-05 8:19 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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lahure bro, i don't know how you found out or guessed she says innit!
but its funny!
ladu harayo!: ( i mich her!
 
Posted on 11-22-05 11:54 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Commander Sandhurst haraunu bhayo---maybe we need to get a "red alert" out on him...and I don't know who this elusive "ladoo" is...but maybe catch two birds with one stone? :-)!
 
Posted on 11-22-05 12:18 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Goodness me Nepaali ji,

Ma yehi chhu1 :) Just popped in. Had such a super-duper busy day. I have got to shoot off for today la.. will answer your posts tomorrow.

So-so glad that you've finally made it to Sandhurst's dodgy cubby-hole! :)
Good night and see you tomorrow. See you two uma and redstone!
Good night.
 
Posted on 11-22-05 12:26 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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good one sandhurst bro. keep 'em coming. The "Ball" is in your court!!!
BTW, is there a slightest possibilty by any chance for a cameo for lonely hearts in your humor show? After all, I presume that yours truly is one of the newly appointed young soldiers in your battalion, ain't I?
 
Posted on 11-22-05 2:37 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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ROFL----------Roll On Floor Laughing..:D

Nice piece! Enjoyed thoroughly.
 
Posted on 11-23-05 12:56 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Sandhurst paji.. where is chapter II ? If any of us here had waited with bated breath.. we would have died!! Duh.. chiitoh!

I gather you are awfully busy,hehehe...who cares! It's been too long.

gone with the wind..
 
Posted on 11-23-05 4:42 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Right finally:

Nepaali,
Very many thanks. I am glad that you found the piece the way you did, though I must admit that the intricacies of Wildean humour and wit are hard to immitate. A little bit of PG Woodhouse or Spike Miligan perhaps. Or Woody Allen! :)

I know, I too await the protagonist's formal arrival in Sandhurst's dodgy cubby-hole but I also know, when she finally does make her entry, she'll have brought with her hurricanes and maybe, a fair dose of verbal firreballs directed to her creator! Let me go and get my fire-fighters gear.. ahem.. Yeah, I miss her wit and humour!

As for the role. Why not - why not come and do a... errr... okay, the role of a legal advisor, responsible for advising the Commander. A lot of perusing Queen's Regulations 1959 and Army General Administrative Instructions for you, I am afraid! :) Good luck.

***********************************************************
Uma,
I've never seen you before in Sajha - a new entrant to the Sajha rank and file, I suppose. Welcome to the jungle - someone in Sajha said that, not me! :)

Thanks for reading my non-sense! Glad that you found the read funny. It was the product of one of those absurd moments when you want to do something, all of a sudden, completely and utterly outrageous with your goofy half-baked gormless thoughts buzzing in your head! I do need those goofy gormless thoughts now and then, mind you. For release and peace of mind rather than anything else.

As for the next installment. I hope to start work on the write-up but one thing after another has kept me putting off so far. Commitments and workload etc. Ke garne. But fingers crossed hai ta,. Thanks again.

*******************************************************
Redstone,
Now I know who this elusive laddu mithai is. My witty Pvt Croft! So, I have got a name for her too. Very useful. Innit?? :)

*****************************************************
Nepaali,
ditto above. The laddu conundrrm is finally solved for good - Anon's and Redstone's encripted tete-a-tete did give me so much head-in.

**********************************************************
Mr Lonely,

Thanks for popping in mate. Yeah, I will get all those 'balls' rolling my court - including yours! :) So be warned - you might as well land a shitty role. You are one my newly drafted in private soldiers, you see. Shouldn't expect a gucci-gucci one. Innit???
Thanks again.

*******************************************************
Fyaat-fyaat chappal jee,
Man dukhiraa thiyo ke, kasto hello bhannu pani na-aako bhanera. :)) Glad to know that the piece did send you ROFL-ling... I know, now what ROFL is. Cheers.

I have got your role already sorted. So, fingers crossed. :)

*******************************************************
Me ol feisty foxy fiery pajini,
Welcome back. I need time - time madam. Gosh, more pressure now coming from the O'hara land too. I wish I had 'gone with the wind' and never had to come back!

Thulo dhanyaabaad chha eesh-kar-late laai. (You need to brush up on your Nepali ke! :)

****************************************************8
Thank you all for your inputs/posts. I'm off this afternoon. Not playing golf mind you. Have got a wee game of basketball in the gym. Cheerio.
Carpe diem
 
Posted on 11-23-05 4:58 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Sandhurt lahure- Can you copy?

Enjoyed reading your post SIR.

"In drinking and swearing down in the pub and night clubs too. Such was her reputation but the smitten male lot looked up to her bewilderingly with both a level of respect and a tinge of envy. "

Maybe we should schedule a drinking night out Private Crafty Croft, what do you say? We can play the Chinese drinking game- Pang Xie Yi, Ge Liang Hao. Should be fun. And yeah, drinks on me.




 
Posted on 11-23-05 4:59 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Maybe we should schedule a drinking night out Private Crafty Croft, what do you say? We can play the Chinese drinking game- Pang Xie Yi, Ge Liang Hao. Should be fun. And yeah, drinks on me.

=
Maybe we should schedule a drinking night out WITH Private Crafty Croft, what do you say? We can play the Chinese drinking game- Pang Xie Yi, Ge Liang Hao. Should be fun. And yeah, drinks on me.

 
Posted on 11-26-05 8:29 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Hi hi , paji, i have been staying away, hope alls well with you.. but hey, whats with my "matri bahasa" not being up to par? 'Course i may make a few grammatical errors here and there and a few "rwhaswoh dirghas" but am fine otherwise.. thank you very much.And too bear in mind, i prefer being correct rather than not. Btw,why is it taking this long for you to write ? Do we have to wait to wait all this long? You ought not to do so ,for it might be more of an anti climax of an end.So there.. As danny boy loves to quote" dun stop blasting your keyboard" Where da hell is he anyway? Hey hey .. dannyboy.Do come round and say hi wud ya?;)

Gone with the wind...
 



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