An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra. The doctor said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"
The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."
The doctor said, "That won't do you any good."
The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore as I am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my feet."

Sam and Bessie are senior citizens, and Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day,he buys a pair and wears them home, asking his wife Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"
"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants."
"What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?"
"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow."
Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!"
Bessie replies, "Well then you should have bought a hat!"

Little Johnny returns from school and tells his father he got an "F" in Arithmetic today.
"Why?" asks his father.
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said "6".
"But that's right," said his father.
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'
"What's the f**king difference?" asks his father.
"That's what I said!"

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart
closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist."

A guy went to apply for a job with the U.S. Postal Service. During the interview, the interviewer asked the guy if he was a veteran. The guy said "Yes, I fought over in Vietnam."
Then the interviewer asked if the guy had any disabilities. The guy responded, "Well, I stepped on a landmine over there and blew my testicles off."
"Great!" the interviewer responded. "We give disabled vets preference.
You can start tomorrow morning at 10 a.m."
"But doesn't everyone normally start at 8 a.m.?" asked the guy.
"Yes, but you don't have to come in until 10. All we do is just stand around and scratch our balls for the first two hours anyway."

A redneck was getting in his truck and a trooper pulled up and asked him, if he had a hunting license for this state. The redneck showed him the license, and the trooper was satisfied.
But, the trooper saw another duck, and he sniffed its butt and said "This is a Kansas duck,
do you have a Kansas hunting license?". The redneck pulled out his Kansas license, and the trooper was happy.
Then he saw a third duck, and sniffed its butt, and said "This is an Arkansas duck. Do you have an Arkansas hunting license?" Sure enough the redneck pulled out his Arkansas license, and the trooper, said ok.
Then he saw a fourth duck, and sniffed its butt and said "This is a Kentucky duck. Do you have a Kentucky Hunting license?" and the redneck pulled out his Kentucky Hunting License.
The trooper couldn't believe the redneck had shot this many ducks from all these different states and said, "Boy, where are you from,exactly?"
The redneck pulled down his pants and said "Why don't you just sniff my butt and try!"

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.
Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.
When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?"
At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Come on,nurse!!!... I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!"

An elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one night. The preacher faces the camera and announces, "My friends, I'd like to share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on top of your TV and the other hand on the part of your body that ails you, and I will heal you."
The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one hand on the television and the other hand on her stomach.
Meanwhile, her husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and the other hand on his groin.
With a frown, his wife says, "Ernest, he's talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead."

केटीको T-SHIRT मा बनेको बिरालोको चित्र लाई राम  धेरैबेर देखी एकोहोरो हेरीरहेको थियो ...
केटी:(रीसाउदै)कहिले बिरालो देखेको छैन कि क्याहो...
राम :बिरालो त देखेको थिए,तर दुधको हेरबिचार गरेर बसेको बिरालो पहिलो पटक देखीराछु

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill but warns her that it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. That night at dinner, she does so.
About a week later, she's back at the doctor.
She says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes, and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off, and ravages me right there on the table!"
The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
"Naah," she says, "that's okay. We aren't going back to that restaurant anyway."

 केटा केटीलाई लिएर बेडमा सुतिरहेको थियो र आफ्नो औंलाहरु उसको पुs$yको वरीपरी घुमाउदै थियो। केटीले भनी: औंलालाई भित्र छिराउ। उसले त्यसै गर्‍यो। केहीबेरमा फेरी उसले भनी अब दुईवटै औंला छिराउ। उसले फेरी आफ्नो दुई औंलाहरु छिरायो। फेरी केटी बोली: "अब पुरै हात छिराउ।" केटाले पनि उसले भने जस्तै गर्‍यो। फेरी केटीले भनी: "अब दुबै हात छिराउ।" केटाले आफ्ना दुबै हात भित्र छिरायो।
पुन: केटी बोली: ल अब ताली बजाउ।
केटा: सक्दिन
केटी: देख्यो? मैले त भनेकी थिए नि मेरो पु$$Y टाइट छ भनेर।

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "what is happening?"
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more bloodcurdling screams.
"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St.Peter, "they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo."
Shaking her head, the old lady says, "I can't do this. I'm off down to hell."
"You can't go there," says St. Peter, "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Sure" says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"

A man gets off a plane in Boston and heads immediately for the men's room. It's crowded but he finds a vacant urinal to gain relief after the long flight and after having many drinks.
The man at the urinal next to his says, "You're Jewish?"
"Yes."
"You come from Sudbury?"
"Yes."
"Your parents went to Temple Immanuel?"
"Yes," he says. "But I don't think I know you. How do you know so much about me?"
The man next to him replies, "Rabbi Minski of Temple Immanuel is the only Rabbi I know that performs circumcisions by cutting at an angle and you're peeing in my shoe!"

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.
"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."
"How did it happen?" asked the woman . 
 Farmer says "I switched cocks."
"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India.
One man he passed sported an enormous erection.
"Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted."Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave."
"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied.
A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.
"Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.
A few months later, same guy, same problem.
The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?"
"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies.
"Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.
The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."

On News Years Eve, a thin and bony husband is walking around in the house wearing only his boxers.
His wife comes out of the kitchen and says, "Hey, the guests are gonna be here any minute. Go and put something on."
"Oh no, I won't," he says. "I want everybody to see how you feed your husband..."
"Really? Then take your boxers off, too, and show everyone that there's nothing that I should feed you for."

When Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he said "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind, good luck Mr. Goorski."
For years, mission control tried to find what he meant by "Good luck Mr. Goorski." They checked with Russian astronauts but could not locate Mr. Goorski. Until now, Neil would not reveal what he meant by "Good luck Mr. Goorski."
Today in a press conference, he told reporters that years ago, when he was a young boy, he and his brother were playing ball when his brother hit the ball under their neighbor's bedroom window. When Neil went to retrieve the ball, he overheard his neighbor's wife, Mrs. Goorski,
telling her husband, "ORAL SEX? NO WAY,  I'LL GIVE YOU ORAL SEX WHEN THE KID
NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

bhaute dai ko personal experience jasto cha ni  , anyway thanks !!!
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once
more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning. Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.  
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

A man goes to the nursing home to visit his 84 year-old father. While there he notices the nurse is giving his father hot chocolate and Viagra.
The man asks, "Why are you doing that? I mean, at his age what will it do for him?"
The nurse explains, "The hot chocolate will help him sleep."
The man says, "And the Viagra?"
"Keeps him from falling out of bed."

"I think I have a problem, Doc," says a patient. "One of my balls has turned blue."
The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed.
"Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do such a thing to me!"
"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.
Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."
Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very reluctant to the idea.
"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree with the operation. After two weeks of being testicle-less, the patient returns to the doctor and says, "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."
After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad news: If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the patient does not want to hear about it.
"You want to die?" asks the doctor.
"But...how do I pee?"
"We'll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem." So the patient has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters the doctor's office again. He is very angry.
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"
"What?"
"Can you tell me what the hell is happening??"
The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says, "Hmmm, I don't know. May be you should stop wearing the jeans"

Three couples wanted to be admitted into a new church. One was an elderly couple, one was a middle-aged couple, and one was a young couple.
The priest said, "Well, the only way you can get into my church is to abstain from having sex for two weeks."
"No problem," said all three couples.
Two weeks later, the three couples returned to the church.
"It was a piece of cake," said the elderly couple. "We didn't have sex for two weeks straight."
The middle-aged couple said, "It was kind of difficult, but we made it. We didn't have sex for two weeks straight."
Finally, the young couple said, "Well, we made it through the first five days or so, but then, as my wife was bending over to pick up a can of paint, I just had to give it to her right then and there."
The priest was stunned. "You do realize that you aren't welcome in this church, don't you?"
The couple shrugged it off. "That's ok. We aren't welcome in Home Depot anymore, either."

John got promotion from clerk to manager. 

He went home and told his wife in new style “You will sleep with the manager today…”

To which his wife responds "OK honey, watch the kids, i know where he is waiting for me" .

A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer living just outside Cornerbrook , Newfoundland, to find the main cause of the Mad Cow Disease. 

Lady reporter: "Good evening, Sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?" 

The Farmer: (staring at the reporter) said, "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?" 

Lady Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): "Well, Sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease?" 

The Farmer: "Madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?" 

The Reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point." 

The Farmer: "I am getting to the point, Madam. Just imagine, if I play with your breats twice a day and only make love to you once a year, wouldn't you get mad? 

A man gets his new prescription for Viagra, and starts home to get ready for when his wife gets home.

He calls her on the phone, and she says, "I'll be home in an hour."
"Perfect," he thinks.

The Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before, so he takes the Viagra and waits.

Well, an hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife... She calls him on the cell phone and says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be
there for about an hour."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice.
"I've got a hard-on a cat couldn't scratch off and my wife won't be home for another hour! What should I do?" he asks.

The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.

The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..its only with my wife."

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest?” Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.” Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!” His father says, “Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?” “Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’” http://jokes.astraweb.com/display.cgi?r=601424751666450969&c=adult.4

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be
right back..."

"Where are you going, coochy cooh...?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?"  She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, luvie duvie...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses..."

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass,puppy face?"

She took a huge beer mug out f the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, tootsie roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 15 dishes of different horsd'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in a blanket, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

"But sweet honey...at the bar...you know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, cutie pie?........she asked .

LISTEN, DICKHEAD! DRINK YOUR F**KING BEER IN YOUR GOD-DAMN FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR MOTHERF**KING
SNACKS, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T F**KING GOING ANYWHERE! GOT IT, ASSHOLE?!!"

A guy walks into a bar with an Octopus.

He sits the Octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that his Octopus is a very talented Musician.
can play any musical Instrument better than you have ever heard before"

A guy walks up and puts his guitar next to the Octopus and says "Well, lets see then"

Immediately the Octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing and everyone agrees that he is better than Jimi Hendrix

The guitar man pays up his $50.

Another guy who is not convinced Offers up his Trumpet.

This time the Octopus plays the trumpet better than Louis Armstrong.

The guy pays up his $50.

Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes.

He puts them down and the Octopus fumbles with them for a

Minute and then sits down with a confused look. Ha Ha!" the Scot says. "Ye cannae play it, can yae ?"

The Octopus looks up at him and says........ "Play it???? ....

I'm going to [Disallowed String for - bad word] it as soon as I figure out how to get its Pyjamas off."

 Man marries deaf Girl-
He writes-We must fix a Code:
"If I want SEX I'll press ur left BooB -U reply by shakin my penis once for YES, or 50 times for NO....!

 

In the dead of summer a fly was resting among leaves beside a stream.

The hot, dry fly said to no one in particular,

'Gosh...if I go down three inches I will feel the mist From the water and I will be refreshed.'

There was a fish in the water thinking,

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him.'

There was a bear on the shore thinking,

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches That fish will jump for the fly... And I will grab the fish!!' It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank Of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich...

'Gosh,' he thought, 'if that fly goes down three inches... And that fish leaps for it.... That bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch.' Now, you probably think this is enough activity on one river bank, but I can tell you there's more...

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking,

'Gosh, if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich.' A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, (as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular river around lunch time)

'Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... and that hunter shoots that bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich, then I can have mouse for lunch.' The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...

The bear grabs the fish..

The hunter shoots the bear...

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse, and the mouse ducks...

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

The Moral Of The Story... Whenever a fly goes down three inches,

Some pussy's gonna be in serious trouble!