-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- > >PONDERISMS >I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people >die >of natural causes. >The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a >replacement. >Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. >There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. >Life is sexually transmitted. >Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. >The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. >Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you >still >can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. >Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying >of >nothing. >Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks >about seeing UFOs like they used to? >Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again >All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to >criticism. >In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is >weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. >How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a >whole >box to start a campfire? >Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze >these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?" >Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat >the >next thing that comes outta its butt." > >If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? >If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? >If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? >Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? >Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at >you, >but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? >Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? >Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? >Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address? > > > > >-- > >------------------------------------------------------------------------------ >The information contained in this e-mail is confidential and may be >subject to legal privilege. Access to this e-mail by anyone other than >the intended recipient is unauthorised. >If you are not the intended recipient, you must not use, copy, distribute or >disclose this e-mail or any part of its contents or take any action in >reliance on it. If you have received this e-mail in error, please notify >us immediately by e-mail or telephone on 020 7930 5474. >All reasonable precautions have been taken to ensure no viruses are >present in this e-mail. >We cannot accept responsibility for loss or damage arising from the use of >this e-mail or attachments and we therefore recommend that you subject these >to your virus checking procedures prior to use. > >Insight Investment Management (Global) Limited and Insight Investment Funds Management >Limited are registered in England (nos. 00827982 and 01835691, >respectively). Registered office, 33 Old Broad Street, London EC2N >1HZ. Authorised and regulated by the Financial Services Authority. > >Insight Investment Management (CI) Limited is registered in Guernsey, No. 1518. Registered office 3rd Floor, Natwest House, Le Truchot, St Peter Port, Guernsey, GY1 1WD. > >All companies are part of the HBOS Group.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Silent Treatment A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM ." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. WIFE VS. HUSBAND A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws WOMEN'S REVENGE "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally." UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. W O R D S A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?" CREATION A man said t o his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you! WHO DOES WHAT A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS" God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece. SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT !

This is one of the best I have ever gotten ********************** Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer." The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happen ed to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females. Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book. For a video to see how beer works click here: (Click on the link below) Beer Demo http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf

Forwared mail and informative :O :O ??? Duh! its possible. Check this one out! Food for thought Don't know if you eat soya, but this is SHOCKING!!!! ONE WOMAN'S STORY ON SOYA... All Males-PLEASE pass this info to ALL your female friends... It may save their lives! Something to take note of. This is my true story, nothing altered. These are facts, as they relate to my experience, my opinions based on what I have read and felt. I am relating them to warn other young health-conscious women who are unwittingly harming themselves. In 1989, I graduated from high school in Texas and couldn't wait to hit the big college city. One of the changes I wanted to make was to eat healthier. Once I moved to health-conscious Austin, Texas, I began to fortify my body with the best and healthiest foods I could find. Tofu was the main ingredient in every healthy dish and I bought soya milk almost every day used it for everything from cereal to smoothies or just to drink for a quick snack. I bought soya muffins, miso soup with tofu, soybeans, soybean, sprouts, etc. All the literature in all the health and fitness magazines said that soya protected you against everything from heart disease to breast cancer. It was the magical isoflavones, the estrogen-like hormones that all worked to help you stay young and healthy. I looked great, I was working out all the time, but my menstrual cycle was off. At 20, I started taking birth control pills to regulate my menstrual cycle. In addition to this I began to suffer from painful periods. I began to get puffy, it was as though I was losing my muscle tone. I began to suffer from depression and getting hot flashes. I mistook all this for PMS since my periods were irregular. By the time I was 25, my periods were so bad, I couldn't walk. The birth control pills never made them regular or less painful so I decided to stop taking them. I went on like this for another two years until I realized my pain wasn't normal. At 27, my gynecologist found two cysts in my uterus. Both were the size of tennis balls. I went through surgery to have them removed and thank God they were benign. The gynecologist told me to go back on birth control pills. I didn't. In 1998, he discovered a lump in my breast. Again, I went through surgery and again it was benign. In November 2000 my glands swelled up and my gums became inflamed. Thinking I had a tooth infection I went to the dentist who told me that teeth were not the problem. After a dose of antibiotics the swelling still did not go down. At this point I could feel a tiny nodule on the right side of my neck. I told my mother I had thyroid trouble. She thought I was being silly. No one in the family suffered from thyroid trouble. Going on a hunch I saw a specialist who diagnosed me with Papillary Thyroid Carcinoma. After a series of tests he told me it was cancer. My fiancé and I sat stunned. We were not prepared and I was so scared. We scheduled surgery right away. The specialist told us that it would only be after the operation that a pathologist would be able to tell us for sure if it was cancer. They found a tumor at my right lobe composed of irregular cells and another smaller tumor growing on the left, so the entire thyroid was removed. They told me that after undergoing radioactive iodine I would be safe and assured me that I could live a long life. After treatment I began to search for the cause of all these problems. I never once thought it could be all the soya I had consumed for nearly ten years. After all, soya is healthy. I came upon a web page that linked thyroid problems to soya intake and the conspiracy of soya marketed as a health food when in fact it is only a toxic by-product of the vegetable oil industry. This was insane, afterall, the health and fitness magazines had said nothing about soya being harmful. I visited a herbalist who was diagnosed with thyroid cancer in 1985. She informed me that soya was the culprit. She had a hysterectomy due to cysts and other uterine problems. A few months later another acquaintance who had consumed soya came down with thyroid cancer. A girl in England I met through the Internet in a thyroid cancer forum had just undergone surgery and she was only 19. What was going on???? Breast cancer is linked to estrogen. What mimics estrogen in the female body, SOYA! But I never suspected soya because until now I never once found a single article that stated soya could be dangerous. Women who took soya prior to thyroid problems will continue to take it after if they are not aware of what soya actually does, what it contains and how it reacts in the female body. I think this is the reason that women with thyroid cancer often develop breast cancer later. My co-worker is big into soya and I see her losing hair and gaining weight despite a walking workout during her break and after work, and apples and oranges for lunch. She just had cysts removed from her uterus too. I warned her to stay off soya. I referred her to websites but until it is on the evening news on all four networks, women will suffer. Since the thyroidectomy. I do not touch soya, haven't for two years. Dear readers, please use my story in any way you can. There are so many young girls who are consuming soya because they think they are taking care of themselves, and women taking soya because they want to be healthy. It is so unfair that the information about the dangers of soya isn't more widely circulated. It is sad. There are many out there who feel this way and it is a terrible blow when you realize you are not as healthy as you thought and that the information that you depended on was wrong. Here are some references http://www.netlink.de/gen/Zeitung/2000/000813.html http://www.biotech-info.net/soya.html http://www.haelan.co.uk/Wholefood-Soya.shtml http://www.haelan.co.uk/Wholefood-Soya.shtml

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life 1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes." 2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide." 3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?" 4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?" 5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!" 6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!" 7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"