my contribution for today

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks
into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in
bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying
the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets
up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this
guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots
of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed
your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever
he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy
is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong,
honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and
asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be
strong honey. I love you too!!"



I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately

needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my

gas with the beat of the music.



After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,

and noticed that everybody was staring at me....



Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.



A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the

young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed.

At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The
farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not
only is the rooster screwin...g the hens but he is screwing the
turkeys,ducks even the cow.

Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster
stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures
circling overhead.

The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny bastard!"

And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, Shhhh!,they are about to land."


Son - "Dad whats the difference between confident and confidential?"

Dad - "Hmm. You are my son. Of that I am confident. Your friend Timmy is also my son. That's confidential."