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 *******rated R Jokes*********continued......

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Posted on 06-15-10 12:29 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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PREVIOUS THREAD AVAILABLE HERE

Coz of the 200 posts per thread limit, i have to continue this thread here. 


On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her — how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?


In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.


Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, “I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.”


The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.The mermaid said to him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right.” And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.


The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. “I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.”


The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?”


The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?” And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, “Why not THIRTY times in a row?”


Finally, she said, “Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.”


Then the young son asked, “Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?”


 


 
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Posted on 10-28-10 12:24 PM     [Snapshot: 29447]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Banta and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon "quickie."
"Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a trip, so there's no risk."
As one thing leads to another, the secretary reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"
"No problem," Banta replies. "I'll get Jeeto's diaphragm."
After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.
"That woman!" Banta exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

 
Posted on 10-29-10 2:39 AM     [Snapshot: 29771]     Reply [Subscribe]
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A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?"
The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?"
Well, it says you"re not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing"s an hour fast."


 
Posted on 10-29-10 11:46 AM     [Snapshot: 29982]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Santa Singh's wife was expecting and the baby was due any day. Santa was very confident it would be a boy and was looking forward to the D-day. As fate would have it, he was transferred to another city and had to join office immediately. Before going, he asked his father -in-law to send a telegram confirming birth of his son. But in order to avoid giving party to his office colleagues, he asks his father -in-law to write "The clock has arrived" and he will understand that the son is born.
The D-day arrived. His wife delivered a cute little baby girl.Now Santa's father-in-law didn't know what to do. If he writes "the clock has arrived" Santa will think he has got a Son. If he writes "clock has not arrived" Santa will get worried that something serious has happened.
But being a very intelligent person, he finds a solution and sends the telegram. Santa received the telegram, opened it eagerly and reads
"The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing".

 
Posted on 11-01-10 12:50 PM     [Snapshot: 30418]     Reply [Subscribe]
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A Trucker driving on a bridge noticed an young good looking girl going to jump off the bridge. He stops truck and rushes to save the girl, holds her and asked "What are you doing?".

The girl says, "I am trying to commit suicide and nothing can stop me or save me."

Truck driver was greatly attracted, did not find any solution to save her, asked, "Well before you jump off let us kiss as if there is no tomorrow."

The girl agreed and they kissed and kissed, french style and all.

After she's finished, the trucker says, "Wow! You are a great kisser, You are wasting a great talent. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't support me dressing up in a girl's dress"

 
Posted on 11-02-10 1:55 PM     [Snapshot: 30725]     Reply [Subscribe]
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A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat.
The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear.
She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"
"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."

 
Posted on 11-02-10 2:39 PM     [Snapshot: 30787]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Once dHwase  filled out DV lottery for the year 2012. After 1 year this is what he got in mail.




 
Posted on 11-03-10 3:47 AM     [Snapshot: 31114]     Reply [Subscribe]
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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a
hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels. The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't
return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of
wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

 
Posted on 11-03-10 1:16 PM     [Snapshot: 31353]     Reply [Subscribe]
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k ho domination bro, aafno green card dekhayera mero pic bhanne ?  endangered species bhanera protection deko re US govt le

 

 

Laloo, Rabri and his son were returning from a trip to South India by train.

Laloo was occupying the lower berth, Rabri the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train compartment.

The train stopped at one of the stations on the way back and the son asked Laloo to bring him a  chocolate. When Laloo and his son returned they found that a South Indian who couldn't understand Hindi had occupied his son's berth.

Upset and angry, Laloo called the ticket master and asked for help.

The ticket master said that he could not understand Hindi or Bihari so it would be nice if Laloo explained the whole situation to him in English.

So Laloo explained, "That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child."


 

 
Posted on 11-04-10 12:50 PM     [Snapshot: 31643]     Reply [Subscribe]
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A lady goes on vacation alone to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been able to join her. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, “What is your name?”

“I can’t tell you!” the black man says. Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he cannot tell her. On her last night there she asks again, “Can you please tell me your name?”

“I can’t because you will make fun of me!” the black man says.

“There is no reason for me to laugh at you,” the lady says.

“Fine, my name is Snow” the black man replies.

And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, “I knew you would make fun of it.”

The lady replied, “It’s my husband that won’t believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in the Caribbean!”

 
Posted on 11-05-10 11:52 AM     [Snapshot: 31938]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Hari Prasad Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody. "

The next day, Mrs.Sharma receives a telephone call from NEA (Nepal Electricity Authority) because the electricity bill has not been paid.

"Am I speaking to Mrs.Sharma ? ""Yes...... speaking"

 NEA guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the NEA guy.

"What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW ?????"

"Yes ........... We have a system of finding out who's overdue "

"GOD !!!!!!...... ... this is too much........ .." "Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue"

"I know that ........ let me talk to my husband about this tonight...... he will speak to your company tomorrow."

That night, she tells her husband about the call and he, mad as a bull, rushes to office the next day morning.

"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at NEA, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.."

"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
Last edited: 05-Nov-10 12:41 PM

 
Posted on 11-05-10 2:47 PM     [Snapshot: 32100]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Kurai milena. Why would she say one month overdue, when she shoulde be saying one month pregnant or due in 8 months.
 
Posted on 11-05-10 3:00 PM     [Snapshot: 32091]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Sam escorted his girfriend Niki home after the Halloween party. As they reach the door they kissed passionately, again, and again....still.. they don't want to part. Suddenly, Sam, with his right hand resting next to the door and stopping Niki from entering inside suddenly says,

"What about a Blówjób?"

"Now, in my home? hell no"

"C'mon, I know you too love it, this is just the second time today"

"Are you crazy, my whole family is sleeping inside!"

"Don't worry, it won't take long........

".............................................",

"..............................................."

Both continue arguing for quite a while and Niki's sister and Angie, still half asleep approaches them and shouts.

"Dad says do whatever he wants, or I will do that if you can't...or even mom will come and give him the Blówjób but for God's sake stop holding that damn Door-Phone-Intercom switch"



 
Posted on 11-08-10 1:49 PM     [Snapshot: 32656]     Reply [Subscribe]
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stiffler bro, its the monthly period, that's overdue , khoi kuro bujhya , girl friend lai sodhya bhaye ni hunthyo


good one lamjung bro, keep posting


 


A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank [Disallowed String for - banned word] for that !"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"


 
Posted on 11-08-10 2:03 PM     [Snapshot: 32677]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Dhwase bro, hamlai ke thaa keti ko kura. But u seem to know a lot, ke ho??
 
Posted on 11-09-10 12:39 PM     [Snapshot: 33062]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Christine was packing for her husband Tom's business trip associated with their home based business. Tom appeared angry and angry and told Christine to fire their account officer the next morning. "This guy is terrible, I had to do everything myself to prepare this damn presentation...fire him tomorrow". Understanding his stress, Christine soothed Tom and took her to the bed so that he can wake up fresh tomorrow.

Next morning, the account officer reached office on time, Tom had already left for airport. Christine called the accountant to the bedroom - accountant surprised - and after they were done with fúcking Christine gave $100 and told that he's been fired.

"Just $100 and I'm fired? I need at least my last week's salary" accountant asked
"When I asked Tom if I should give you anything he said 'fúck him!don't even give him a penny' . You're lucky that you are getting $100 from my pocket"


Last edited: 09-Nov-10 12:39 PM

 
Posted on 11-09-10 12:50 PM     [Snapshot: 33090]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court on Friday before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the 1st one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" "I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this...

O o

...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," said the judge.

"And you, how did you do?", he asked the second boy, "Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that?!?",


"Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

 o O

I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your asshole before prison, ..."


 
Posted on 11-10-10 12:17 PM     [Snapshot: 33413]     Reply [Subscribe]
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These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many, many years.


The first guy asks the second guy, "How have things been going?"


Second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy, "I  w a s  a l m o s t  m a r r i e d."


The first guy says in amazement, "Hey, you don't stutter any more."


 The answer comes, "Y e s  I  w e n t  t o  a  d o c t o r  a n d  h e  t o l d  m e  t h a t  i f  I


s p e a k  s l o w l y  I  w i l l  n o t  s t u t t e r."


 The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.


 "W e l l  m y  f i a n c e e  a n d  I  w e r e  s i t t i n g  o n  h e r  p o r c h  a n d  t h e  d o g  w a s  s c r a t c h i n g  h i s  b a c k  a n d  I  t o l d  h e r  t h a t  w h e n  w e  a r e  m a r r i e d


s h e  c a n  d o  t h a t  f o r  m e  a n d  s h e  t h r e w  t h e  r i n g  i n  m y  f a c e."


"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.


 "W e l l, I  s p e a k  s o  s l o w l y  t h a t  b y  t h e  t i m e  s h e  l o o k e d  a t  t h e  d o g,


h e  w a s  l i c k i n g  h i s  b a l l s!"


 
Posted on 11-11-10 12:11 PM     [Snapshot: 33757]     Reply [Subscribe]
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One day a little indian boy walked up to the chief and said "Me ready for women."
The chief said "Before you can have a real women, you must go into the woods and practice on the trees for three days"

The Indian boy said "Ok," and went off into the woods.

Three days later, he returns and says "Me ready for women."

The Indian cheif says "Pick out any woman you want and take her inside the teepee."

The boy picked a women, escorted her into the teepee and said "Take off all your clothes, bend over and grab your ankles." The women asked "Why?", but the boy told her to just to bend over.

The women bent over, and the boy kicked her in the ass. "Why the hell did you do that?" she asked.

"Just checking for bees." replied the boy.


 
Posted on 11-11-10 2:23 PM     [Snapshot: 33843]     Reply [Subscribe]
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A US-return couple died in a cab accident during their Nepal trip during last Dashain. Wife died on the spot, the husband made up to the Kathmandu Model Hospital but he and the cab-driver were pronounced dead immediately at the ER.

Chitragupta asked the husband "I'm Chitragupta, the person who calculates the sins in a person's lifetime and decides whether to send to heaven or hell. Ok, tell me the sins you in your life."

US-return: "Sir, I don't remember committing any sin, the only sin is that I fúcked my gas station owner's wife once. I am really loyal to my wife, so I never did anything wrong outside"

Chitragupta: "OK, I saw your account, there's only one lady in your life other than your wife. That's fine, you go to heven in this brand new car. Drive straight ahead take the Heaven-ramp on the left." Chitragupta then turns to the cab-driver and says, "OK, tell me about yourself"

Cab driver: Sir, I had quite a few girlfriends although I am still unmarried. I even dated many of my cab passengers too. And yesterday I slept with that man's wife when she came to negotiate the price for today's cab-trip to Dakshinkali.

Chitragupta: "That's a little too much in your account. Take this old-motorcycle and take the Hell-ramp on the right"

Cab driver starts the motorbike, drives forward and, to his surprise, sees the US-return's car stopped near the hell-ramp. He was supposed to go to heaven! Cab driver approaches the driver window and sees
the US-return crying with his head banging over the steering.

"What happened man? You've such a good car to go to Heaven, why are you stuck here?" Cab-driver says. To which the US-return replies:

"Do you see someone struggling to fix the broken bike-chain over there in the hell-ramp?............That's my wife"

(heard at Bharatpur Medical College, 2008)

 
Posted on 11-12-10 12:14 PM     [Snapshot: 34213]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."

She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you."

He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"

She says, "Go ahead."

He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"

She says, "Of course."

He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."


 



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