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 JOKES JOKES

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Posted on 06-02-09 4:00 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Software Engineers' Joke

One day, a Mechanical Engineer, an Electrical Engineer, a Chemical Engineer and a Software Engineer were driving down the street in the same car. The car broke down.


The Mechanical Engineer said, "I think a rod broke. We can check the rods."

The Chemical Engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I don't think it's getting gas. We shall check the gas tank."

The Electrical Engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system. We shall check the circuitry."

All three turned to the Software engineer and said, "What do you think?"

 

 

 

The Software Engineer said, "We shall get out of the car and get in Again."


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Punishment in Heaven

Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there. 'Why?' he asks.

St. Paul replies, 'When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.

St. Paul replies, 'When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, 'Thank God I didn't do anything like that.' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, 'Why?'

'Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.'



The Software Engineer said, "We shall get out of the car and get in Again."



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Little Johnny

 

A class of school children filed back into class Monday morning.
They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a free sample.

They all said the same thing. "Hey, this tastes like ****!" Then I would say, "It is, wanna buy a toothbrush?"

 
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Posted on 06-08-09 3:48 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Smiling dead


Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened.
First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while drinkig a
bottle of freely offered wine
. Hence the enormous smile, inspector", says the Coroner.
Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent
it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner,
"This is the most unusual one: Santa Singh, age 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"He thought he was having his photo taken."

 
Posted on 06-08-09 4:12 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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A Nepali  is calmly having his breakfast when an American,who is chewing gum, sits down beside him. The Nepali  ignores the American who begins to chat :



American : "Do you eat the bread entirely?
Nepali : "Of course! "
American : "We do not. We only eat the inner part.The crust is put in a container and processed and transformed into flour and sold to Nepalese. "

The Nepali says nothing.

The American continues,"Do you eat this jelly with the bread? "

Nepali : "Of course! "
American : "We do not. We eat fresh fruits for breakfast and then put the seeds and peels into a container.Later it is processed and transformed to jelly and sold to Nepalese."

The Nepali  finally asks, "And what do you do with the condoms after using them?

American : "We throw them away,of course! "
Nepali : "We do not. We keep them in containers, process them transform them into chewing gum and sell it to the United States.


 
Posted on 07-14-09 10:56 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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While playing
in the backyard,
 Little Johnny kills a
honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No
honey for you for one month!"




Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him
tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one
month!" says his dad.




Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks
dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it,
and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.




Little Johnny looks at his father and says,
"Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"


 
Posted on 07-15-09 8:03 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Little Johnny looks at his father and says,
"Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

Neither of them!
Can I have the pleasure of announcing it to her instead?

"No cock for you for one month!"

(And too bad coz July has long-ass 31 days)
Last edited: 15-Jul-09 08:38 AM

 
Posted on 07-15-09 9:52 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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i got one:

A man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a few minutes the man cuts a fart. His wife rolls over and asks, “What in the world was that?”


The man says, “Touchdown, I’m ahead, seven to nothing.”


A few minutes later the wife lets one loose. The man says to her, “What was that?”


She replies, “Touchdown, tie score.”


The man lays there for about ten minutes trying to work another one up. He tries so hard that he craps all over the bed.


The wife asks, “Now what in the world was that?” He replies, “Half time. Switch sides.”



 
Posted on 08-22-09 12:22 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour ??
Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date
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Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world  crying... & the other ensures U Continue to do so.
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Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no
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Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your
picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one
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Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married  yet
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Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap

 
Posted on 08-22-09 12:35 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Exciting Period
A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
"It's a period,' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,' she said, 'but what is so exciting about a period?'

'Damned if I know,' said the little boy, 'but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

 
Posted on 08-22-09 3:25 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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A man asked  God, how long is a billion human years to you? God replied " a minute'


the man then asked God how much is a billion dollars worth to you?, God replied " a penny"


the man then asked God, can you gimme a penny? God replied ' gimme a minute'.


 
Posted on 11-10-09 8:29 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Logical Vs. Legal

After having failed his exam in a Student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

Professor: "Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!"

Student: "Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you Can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If You however do not know the answer, I want you give me an "A" for the
Exam. "

Professor: "Okay, it's a deal. So what is the question?"

Student: "What is legal, but not logical, logical, but not legal, and Neither logical, nor legal?"

Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give The student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an "A", as agreed.

Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the Same question.

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

He immediately answers: "Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 Year old woman, which is legal, but not logical.

Your wife has a 25 Year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. The fact that you Have given your wife's lover an "A", although he really should have Failed, is neither legal, nor logical."

 
Posted on 11-10-09 9:50 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Some Sardar's Jokes

Teacher: what do u call a person who cannot hear anything?
Santa: U can call him anything, because he cannot hear anything.



Ek baar ek kabutar ne Sardar pe bit kar di..
Sardar-'Saale teri maa ne chaddi pehnna nahi sikhaya kya?
Kabutar-'Saale to tu kya chaddi me karta hai.'



 



Angry Santa to Son : Tumne kabhi ullu dekha hai?
Son : (Neeche dekhte hue) No Papa…
Santa : Neeche mat dekho. Look at me.



 



Sardar & sardarani waiting at signal.
A tapori boy comes & says "kya paaji rakhail hai kya?"
Sadar furiously says "Oye sale, rakhail hogi terio meri to biwi hai."



 



Nurse gave newborn baby 2 sardar he screamd "puttar hua! puttar hua!"

Nurse shouted, "abe gadhe ladki hui hai, meri ungli chod"



 




Women 2 sardar:What is the time?

Sardar replied the answer and was slapped.

Why?

He answered bra pantees(12:35).



 



Teacher: “Name Some Films That Have Almost Same Stories?”

Santa: "Madam, Blue Films"


 
Posted on 12-12-09 9:00 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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This beautiful woman says, "I'll show you mine if you show me yours." 
I figure what the heck, so I show her mine. Then she shows me hers. Hers is bigger.



 
Posted on 12-12-09 9:01 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home.
" I went over. Nobody was home


 
Posted on 12-28-09 7:34 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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1.


 


 


 

 

It is not a video but a picture !!!

 

2. Love at First sight

 

3. How do girls download videos

 

4. Santa in Summer


 

Last edited: 28-Dec-09 07:38 PM

 
Posted on 01-18-10 2:38 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Posted on 01-18-10 2:41 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm 'completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!' As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...

'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are stupid.. Not all blondes are dumb, But all men are men.

*****************************************************************************
Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their preions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 
--------------------------------------------------------------
Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 
--------------------------------------------------------------
Only in America ......do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 
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Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 
--------------------------------------------------------------
Only in America ..........do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.. 
--------------------------------------------------------------
Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering. 
--------------------------------------------------------------
EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin? 
--------------------------------------------------------------
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? 
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Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? 
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Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
--------------------------------------------------------------
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'? 
--------------------------------------------------------------
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? 
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Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker? 
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Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? 
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Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? 
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Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? 
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Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? 
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You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?! 
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Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? 
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Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? 
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I like this one!!!
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress? 
--------------------------------------------------------------
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

 
Posted on 01-23-10 8:26 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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1Sardar aur Pathan ko 1000 rupee road per gire mile to sardar kehta ke 50-50 karte hain to Pathan bola baqi 900 ka kiya karen ge!!

 
Posted on 01-29-10 6:41 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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साझामा jokes मन पराउने मान्छे छैनन् की के ?? ल रमाइलो गरौ... let be get back to work....

_________________ ______________________ _________________ ____________________





Moral of the story :don't lie to your wife if she is smarter than you :)

 
Posted on 01-29-10 7:15 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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1. funny answers 

2. Height of confusion 
The young man was so nervous on meeting his future fatherin-law that he blurted out, “Sir, may I have your daughter’s hole in handy matrimony?”

 

3. Sit of Shit

4. 
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked: "How much is 2+2?"

The housewife replies: "4!"

The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those  figures through my spreadsheet one more time."

The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice: "How much do you want it to be?"

 
Posted on 02-22-10 3:02 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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1. Load shedding effects in Delhi 






2. Teachers Nightmare



 
Posted on 02-22-10 8:54 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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LMAO.....keep it up.

 



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