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 JOKES JOKES

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Posted on 06-02-09 4:00 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Software Engineers' Joke

One day, a Mechanical Engineer, an Electrical Engineer, a Chemical Engineer and a Software Engineer were driving down the street in the same car. The car broke down.


The Mechanical Engineer said, "I think a rod broke. We can check the rods."

The Chemical Engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I don't think it's getting gas. We shall check the gas tank."

The Electrical Engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system. We shall check the circuitry."

All three turned to the Software engineer and said, "What do you think?"

 

 

 

The Software Engineer said, "We shall get out of the car and get in Again."


~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~

Punishment in Heaven

Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there. 'Why?' he asks.

St. Paul replies, 'When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why.

St. Paul replies, 'When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, 'Thank God I didn't do anything like that.' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, 'Why?'

'Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.'



The Software Engineer said, "We shall get out of the car and get in Again."



~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~ ~~ ~ ~ ~

Little Johnny

 

A class of school children filed back into class Monday morning.
They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a free sample.

They all said the same thing. "Hey, this tastes like ****!" Then I would say, "It is, wanna buy a toothbrush?"

 
Posted on 06-02-09 10:04 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Nice jokes ! Thanks ke chha ?

 
Posted on 06-03-09 12:50 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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A valuable lesson in Business Management (non veg)


Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,but she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me
screw you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.


Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down."

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposalin its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

 


 
Posted on 06-03-09 6:29 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Perfect Husband!!!


Once a man was waiting for a taxi.

A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.

Suddenly an idea struck him.He told the beggar, "I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you." "I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar.
The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar.

The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."

The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good".

The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver".

The man smiled again. He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course.Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone".

As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."

Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with you".


The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no bad habits looks like."


 
Posted on 06-03-09 6:31 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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I Quit Drinking

 

This  joke won an award for the best joke competition Organized in Britain:

A man walks into a bar in Londonand ordered 3-glasses of beer and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, “You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time.” The man replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai, the other in Canada and I’m here in London. When they left home, we promised that we’ll drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there. The man became a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He order 3-Beers and drinks them in turn. One day, he came in and ordered only 2-Beers All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss.”

The man looked confused for a moment, then he laughs.... “Oh, no,” he, said, “Everyone’s fine - both my brothers are alive”. The only thing is I just quit drinking...! !!

 
Posted on 06-03-09 6:35 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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This just proves that we have become too dependent on our computers.
Are you male or female ?
To find out the answer, look down ..


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-


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-
I said
Look down not scroll down


 
Posted on 06-03-09 9:50 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Funny.......thanks man

 
Posted on 06-04-09 12:14 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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HAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

http://www.sajha.com/sajha/chat/smileys/m-laugh.gifhttp://www.sajha.com/sajha/chat/smileys/m-laugh.gifhttp://www.sajha.com/sajha/chat/smileys/m-laugh.gif
 
Posted on 06-04-09 5:37 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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SWOT Analysis

A married man was asked to perform his SWOT (Strength, Weakness, Opportunity, Threat) Analysis.

He said, his strength is his wife.
His weakness is neighbour's wife.
Opportunity comes when neighbour goes out.
Threat is when he himself goes out

 

 

 

 
Posted on 06-04-09 6:07 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Once Girija Pd Koirala(GPK), Madhav Kumar Nepal (MKN) and Puspa Kamal Dahal (PKD)  were Travelling in a Pajero. They met with an accident and all three of them died.
Yamaraj was waiting for this moment at the doorstep of death.

He asks GPK and MKN to go to HEAVEN.

But, for PKD had already decided that he should be sent to HELL. Dahal  is not at all happy with this decision.
He asks Yamaraj as to why this discrimination is being made. All the three of..They had served the public. Similarly, all took bribes, all misused public Positions, etc.


Then why the differential treatment?

He felt that there should be a formal test or an objective evaluation before a decision is made; and should not be just based on opinion or pre-conceived Notions.

Yamaraj  agrees to this and asks all the three of them to appear for an English test.

GPK is asked to spell ' NEPAL ' and he does it correctly.

MKN is asked to spell ' INDIA ' and he too passes.

It is PKD's turn and he is asked to spell ' CZECHOSLOVAKIA '.

Dahal protests that he doesn't know English.

He says this is not fair and that he was given a tough question and thus Forced to fail with false intent.


Yamaraj then agrees to conduct a written test in Nepali (to give another chance assuming that PKD should at least feel that Nepali would provide an equal Platform for all three).

Koirala is asked to write "KOILI BOLYO KUHU KUHU". He writes it easily and Passes..

Nepal is asked to write "BIRALO BOLYO MYAU MYAU" . He too passes.

Dahal is asked to write "BADAR BOLYOO GHURRRRR......"
Tough one. He fails again.

Dahal  is extremely unhappy.

Having been a student of Agriculture(which the other two weren't),he now requested for all the 3 to be subjected to a test in agriculture.
Yamaraj says OK but this would be the last chance and that he would not take any more tests.

Koirala  is asked: 'when do you plant paddy? ' He replied 'asar' and passed.

Nepal is asked 'how many empoyees are there in Nepal Agriculture Development Bank?'

He gets nervous. Yamaraj asked him to choose from 3 options: 1,000 or 3,500
Or 10,000.
Nepal catches it and says 3,500 and passes.

It's Dahal's turn now.

Yamaraj asks him to give the Name and Address of each of the 3,500 employees.
Dahal accepts defeat and agrees to go to HELL.


Moral of the story: IF YOUR MANAGEMENT HAS DECIDED TO SCREW YOU, THERE IS NO ESCAPE...... ..

 
Posted on 06-04-09 7:10 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Beethoven

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
 
Posted on 06-04-09 8:53 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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lol decomposing hilarious!!

 
Posted on 06-04-09 4:59 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Want to reduce weight in a day !!!

 

One fat guy - goes to a popular GYM in Kathmandu sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute.

He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying "If you catch me, I'm yours."

He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed.

Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5kg.

He's back on the street and starts to think.

"God, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time...So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg."

"No problem," says the manager.

Again he is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a Gorilla with a sign, "If I catch you, you're mine."

 
Posted on 06-04-09 9:57 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Posted on 06-05-09 4:37 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Little Johny
 
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"





Last edited: 05-Jun-09 04:38 PM

 
Posted on 06-05-09 5:00 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Sardar Failed in English

 

Sardar Failed in English He did English translation.

1. Main aam aadmi nahin hon

            I m not a mango man.

2. Sarda aur germa fruit hain

          Colda and hota are fruits

3. Mujhe bhi English aati hai. 

            English comes to me also

4.  Do aur do baraber chaar

            Give and give equal to four 

5.  Mera talluk hari pur hazara se hai 

           I m belong to green pur thousanda

 
Posted on 06-08-09 3:48 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Smiling dead


Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. The coroner calls in the police to tell them what has happened.
First body: "Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while drinkig a
bottle of freely offered wine
. Hence the enormous smile, inspector", says the Coroner.
Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent
it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?" "Ah," says the coroner,
"This is the most unusual one: Santa Singh, age 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"He thought he was having his photo taken."

 
Posted on 06-08-09 4:12 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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A Nepali  is calmly having his breakfast when an American,who is chewing gum, sits down beside him. The Nepali  ignores the American who begins to chat :



American : "Do you eat the bread entirely?
Nepali : "Of course! "
American : "We do not. We only eat the inner part.The crust is put in a container and processed and transformed into flour and sold to Nepalese. "

The Nepali says nothing.

The American continues,"Do you eat this jelly with the bread? "

Nepali : "Of course! "
American : "We do not. We eat fresh fruits for breakfast and then put the seeds and peels into a container.Later it is processed and transformed to jelly and sold to Nepalese."

The Nepali  finally asks, "And what do you do with the condoms after using them?

American : "We throw them away,of course! "
Nepali : "We do not. We keep them in containers, process them transform them into chewing gum and sell it to the United States.


 
Posted on 07-14-09 10:56 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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While playing
in the backyard,
 Little Johnny kills a
honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No
honey for you for one month!"




Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him
tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one
month!" says his dad.




Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks
dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it,
and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.




Little Johnny looks at his father and says,
"Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"


 
Posted on 07-15-09 8:03 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Little Johnny looks at his father and says,
"Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

Neither of them!
Can I have the pleasure of announcing it to her instead?

"No cock for you for one month!"

(And too bad coz July has long-ass 31 days)
Last edited: 15-Jul-09 08:38 AM

 



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