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 Shivaji and his Magic Johnson

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Posted on 04-17-13 11:44 AM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Shivaji and his magic Johnson
Disclaimer: This post is purely fictional, resemblance to any persons living or dead is purely coincidental.  Also, there are some strong words directed towards few sajhaites, people who worship Shivaji and homosexuals, but only in jest. It should not be construed as a propagation of hatred or evil mockery of any kind. Also, please pardon grammatical errors, this was a quick write up later this morning (thanks to my mood swing). Happy hump day ya'll
I am not an atheist or a sexist, but when I witness several hundreds of women lined up for several hundred yards, along the perimeter of Pashupatinath’s main temple, only to worship an erect penis of some god which perhaps never exists, especially when they have a husband at home who is more than eager to get naked when drunk, I am concerned to say the least.
I am more concerned when men follow suit, for no apparent reason. I remember this guy walking around the main temple with his fingers clasped and his eyes closed – as if his sacrosanct self is more than keen to worship the coveted penis, yet too mortified to lay his eyes on it.
But what concerns me the most is - coming across individuals who are at peace with their wives who visit Pashupatinath every weekend to worship a strange man’s penis while they sip their morning coffee and flip through the daily newspaper as if nothing is happening.
Last time I checked, it was called infidelity.
But then I guess they were least bothered about their wives’ acts because maybe they, like I do, know that the particular god with that given name only exists in archaic books. I mean, seriously, why would anyone bother believing in a frightening blue man with an extra eye without a haircut who smoked weed all his life and is too stoned to even realize he has a serpent wrapped around his neck. And to make matters worse he also fathers that unlucky son who has a head of an elephant with humanoid limbs minus tail.
I had heard of crack babies, but a pot baby?? I didn’t believe it until I ran into Ganesh, his existence proves this theory - if a man who cannot think straight when not stoned has sex with a normal female, the baby looks like an animal.
No? There is a story behind it?
So tell me how does this skinny a$$ Ganesh who jumped up and down the battlefield like TO with the pigskin suddenly becomes fat after his loses his head (literally) and is replaced with one of an elephant? Doesn’t make sense.
“They worship a penis?” Rachel laughed. “Is he a porn star?’
“Yes he is” I had snapped “Just like that f@#*ing scarecrow you worship and call Jesus, and if he weren’t wearing that rag over his genitals, you guys would have been drinking the holy water out of his wrinkled Johnson.”
Next thing I knew Rachel wouldn’t touch my penis for a couple of days. In case you were wondering who Rachel is, she was my first girlfriend I was lucky enough to get laid with. Call me a late bloomer, but I never had sex with a girl before I set my foot in US.
“I think we should wait” were the words of my girlfriend back in Nepal when she got me all worked up in her sunny living room in near Samakhusi while her parents were away and I was about to pull down my blue Dora underwear. I had broken up with her next second.
See, I am a Nepali, and this should be clear to everyone - I love and hate the any given individual at the same time. I didn’t care about my dear god Shivaji until a while broad mocked about him. Also I did hate Paras (friggin’ sarkar my brown a$$) all these years, until that asshole had a heart attack. Few months ago I sent 50 dollars to do a pooja for his well being in Nepal and felt good about it. If he recuperates, I will start hating him again and would like that money back.
Speaking of getting laid with Rachel, I wonder why girls in Nepal ogled at Shivaji’s penis every weekend yet completely failed to acknowledge the fact their boyfriends, neighbors, classmates and  servants have a penis as well, which is always available, no queue ever, 100% free, and they could actually use it.
But they won’t ‘किनकी पाप लाग्छ’. Actually I know this extremely devout girl who joined her hands and closed her eyes the moment she laid her eyes on cucumbers, carrots, radishes, pop sickles, hot dogs, sharpies, needles and anything that was straight and erect. Okay maybe that was a little too much. Okay maybe I made that up. Actually I did make that up because few dimwit sajhaites will believe at everything and cannot tell between troll and thuldai before quickly putting forth their expert comments after a ten minute research (courtesy nepalibehuli’s thread and बोकाs who replied on it).
But not all women worship penis, mind you. I had this woman in my neighborhood who never cared about shivaji and his much desired Johnson.
“I worship Kaali maata” she had told me once.
If you carefully look at the picture between shivaji and kaali maata, you’d see a striking similarity, although in an odd way. Our dear blue man is naked waist down and that tongue wagging dark woman is nude belly up.
Now don’t even get me started.
Effing lesbian……
Last edited: 17-Apr-13 11:46 AM

 
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Posted on 04-25-13 9:44 PM     [Snapshot: 1936]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Sorry for sidetracking the story but as far as the symbolic meaning of shiva linga goes, it is believed that it's the erect penis penetrating the vagina. I know some pujaris from Pashupati who have been working there for generations and that's what they told me.

I haven't done much research but I would believe what they tell me about the shiva linga than anyone else.

It's ironic that people worship it but I think most people know it as the penis. I think that is common knowledge. I am surprised that many educated people of sajha have reservations about it.


 
Posted on 04-25-13 9:45 PM     [Snapshot: 1938]     Reply [Subscribe]
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@rethink, I think it's best that I agree with you and say I didn't make the right comparison, lets leave it at that.
 
Posted on 04-25-13 10:31 PM     [Snapshot: 1958]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Kiddo, sorry to say but making fun of an oddball practice is not the same as making fun of dying people. I am glad you agree.

Freedom, I don't see any contradictions in showing two different pictures. I am not showing those pictures to prove anything. Just as two different frame of reference. Looks like you are predisposed to find contradictions where they don't exist LOL. I am not sure why you are stuck on the shiva linga in standing position or lying position. I said it's a penis inside a vagina and unless you're a virgin you should know that the penis has to be erect to penetrate the vagina unless the vagina has lost it's elasticity. Let's just say in general that the shiva linga signifies an erect penis inside a vagina. Let's not get too concerned about standing position or lying down position. It will depend on how you orient the shiva linga. If you point it up it will be in standing position. If you lie it down sideways it will be in sideways position. But whatever way you choose it will be an erect penis inside a vagina. In case you are confused and need it to be spelled out, it is an inside view of the penetration. If you look at a detached penis inside a vagina from outside, you would not see anything there since it's inside.



 
Posted on 04-26-13 12:55 AM     [Snapshot: 2005]     Reply [Subscribe]
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@ Rethink bro,

there is a contradiction indeed because a shiva linga is worshipped only in ONE form and that image is consistent. The head of a penis penetrates the female organ not the tail, i mean unless you are a virgin. :)

The other image that the girl is looking down on, the tail is resting on the supposed female private part. So technically your position should be that the Shiva Linga is the image of a male member post penetration, thus the head is inside the female organ. The head is thus not visible. This is the consistent image of a Shiva Linga. The other image you gave us contradicts this consistent image of the Shiva Linga. 

@ Patan bro,

educated people should ask other educated people in the relevant field for opinion. I was also under the impression that Linga meant penis but i found out it means "sign" or "mark". The sanskrit word for phallus is Shishna. People in south india add Lingam to their names eg Swamylingam. Hinduism is not taught in temples, people simply go there to pray. Those sadhus are not educated and simply follow rumours and traditions blindly. These misconptions started about 150 years ago due to western scholars. Brahmins learn the holy mantras but even they will be clueless as to what is the actual meaning of those chants. Look at the image of linga with a visible penis head above that Rethink bro has posted. This is exactly how the true meaning of something gets diluted. This is something new. Lingams were not represented that way initially.   
 
Posted on 04-26-13 4:28 AM     [Snapshot: 2055]     Reply [Subscribe]
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 Freedomji,
Just a question. Are you just discussing for the sake of discussion or you just want to prove that your logic is true and shiva linga looks nothing like penetration?Shiva lingam is the symbol for the origin of life, and nothing describes it properly like a penetration unless you are autogamous. So stop living in denial that it is not penetration. But then again we are all free to have our opinion, so lets just leave it at having our own opinion and leave the god to rest in peace eh. 

P.S.- Behoove, some really nice punchlines there, more of them would be more fun to see in next one up your sleeve. :-)

 
Posted on 04-26-13 6:44 AM     [Snapshot: 2087]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Freedom it seems like you are seriously confused as usual.

First you said "you contradict yourself" but now since you cant specify how i contradicted myself, you say that the images contradict your traditional belief. That's a very lame attempt to suit yourself but you are free to preserve your own dignity.

And why wouldnt it contradict with your belief? Since you have already revealed yourself to be a bible thumping christian in other discissions. So it is completely in your interest to be dismissive about the age old traditional hindu beliefs and to try to confuse other hindus.

Haha christians always trying different tricks on other faith. Thats probably the reason why the wikipedia seemingly distorts the truth.

In any case for the record i'm not a religion practicing or believing guy, but i have a need to stand up for the correct information and observe someones conceited character.

Amen to you!
Last edited: 26-Apr-13 07:06 AM

 
Posted on 04-26-13 8:02 AM     [Snapshot: 2115]     Reply [Subscribe]
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 very humorous read,enjoyed every bit of it just like I enjoyed every inch of Satanic Verses.This can be taken in two ways:one,it can flare up any avid Hindu and a beginning of Holy war against Hindusim from behoove side;another,a good creative piece with loads of humour and pointing the flaws it carries which people have turned blind eye into, voluntarily.For me,its a creative comic piece with friendly tone and an opinion of a single person.I bet Shiva had never ordered anyone to erect his you-know-what everywhere and put milk in it every morning; we all know what it needs in the morning time.But,the mere mortals came up with mind of their own and created live-action of their own beloved Lord.Even for a hardcore fan of Shiva like myself,it is hard sometime to gulp such notion of reverence and even harder while explaing it to the aliens.Yes,people pray anthing that relates with Him:His linga,snakes,trishul,damaru,ox and even his whole family!.While it may be totally fair in Sayta-Yuga to pray His linga with all goody people around with alike thoughts,thinking creation is the ultimate power,in present time it may look silly and  can confuse people which was not the intention at first.Shiva is much more than his procreative organ but people may still love to get the blessing from his you-know-what,thinking he is hiding inside somwhere.For me,Shiva is the ultimate manifestation of God, a mentor and a Supreme personality of our Universe as we know it which we all can relate..HE is not perfect just like us,yet HE is God.its upto YOU  to find Him in places you wish to visit --if you like Him-- which can be anywhere from His linga to His prayings,His thoughts,His works,His style or you can visit Him from your own mind,I am sure HE won't mind.I believe even Shiva would have liked beehove's deion and laugh into it,forgot about the carnage.Auuuuuum sweet Auuuuuuuum.
 
Posted on 04-26-13 10:57 AM     [Snapshot: 2160]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Many guys when they see a girl eating a banana, they also think about sex. But the girl eating the banana is simply feeding herself and the process has nothing to do with sex. The Shiva Linga has nothing to do with sex. I have given evidences for it and the most compelling one is that there is also a Ramalinga where Lord Ram is worshipped in the form of the same Linga.

It is one thing to have differences with a religion based on facts but totally another thing to make up lies and dwell on them and use it for abusive purpose. Next time your mom makes aachar using mortar and pestle, she is doing just that, making aachar. Respect something for what it symbolises. I am sure even Quagmire would agree. Giggity.


 
Posted on 04-26-13 11:25 AM     [Snapshot: 2178]     Reply [Subscribe]
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I disagree that Freedom is arguing for argument's sake. He makes a good point, one that I had never thought about.
 
Posted on 04-26-13 12:09 PM     [Snapshot: 2187]     Reply [Subscribe]
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No matter what bible thumping christians say the shiva linga is, no matter what english websites say it is, if you look at more hindu websites, they all say there are two interpretations, namely 1. god being ultimately formless is represented by a formless image the Lingam or a sign of a formless god, and 2. that the lingam is a symbolic phallus and that the stand which holds the lingam is the female organ, and therefore the lingam sitting within it's stand is a symbolism of cosmic union and creation.

Now as a logical human being the first explanation sounds like a self fulfilling prophecy for the mild at heart. The Shiva linga has specific form, how can you call it a representation of a formless god. Now that's a real contradiction if I have seen one.

While on the other hand the phallus explanation holds much water since the cylindrical object is a representation of an erect male organ, and the base ie the stand is the vulva. Even the shape of the base (stand) is identical to the female birth entrance.

The great philosophers of sajha needs to come up with better explanation of the shape of the shiva linga, than simply state there's a ramalingam temple and other weak arguments.

Ok anyone? on other possible representation of the shiva linga shape?

Otherwise rest in peace.


http://religionfacts.com/hinduism/things/shiva_linga.htm

http://www.vepachedu.org/linga.htm

http://www.godrealized.com/shiva_lingam.html

http://www.hindu-blog.com/2008/02/why-is-hindu-god-shiva-worshipped-in.html


 
Last edited: 26-Apr-13 12:29 PM

 
Posted on 04-26-13 12:32 PM     [Snapshot: 2208]     Reply [Subscribe]
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The Shiva Lingam can be understood in 2 ways.

To the sick mind--------------> Shiva's member ripped through the female organ, impaled Vishnu and Brahma and killed them.

To the sane mind...............> Symbol and power of Lord Shiva.
 
Posted on 04-26-13 12:58 PM     [Snapshot: 2220]     Reply [Subscribe]
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So what do you think the shape of the shiva linga represents in your sane mind? and I don't mean the philosophic symbol, i mean there is a shaft and a base. what does the shaft represent and the base represent? If you don't have any explanation for the shape then let's not argue anymore.

 
Posted on 04-26-13 1:15 PM     [Snapshot: 2223]     Reply [Subscribe]
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It represents Lord Shiva. Even if the whole body of Shiva was there, it would still include his penis, anus, testicles, heart, liver, everything. Just because one cannot see it does not mean it is not there. But one would be praying to Shiva. It is just a shape for Shiva. If the dirty mind wants to give a sexual meaning to all this then why not include Vishnu and Brahma as well?

What is Vishnu doing on the other  side of the goddess?. Your dirty mind thinks of the bumhole so Vishnu is doing her from behind. And Brahma is doing Vishnu from behind. This way you can convince yourself that the whole Shiva Linga is all about sex.

However if you bother to read about the different parts, what is being symbolised there is not sex. You are praying to this overall concept where Lord Shiva is supreme.

 


 
Posted on 04-26-13 1:39 PM     [Snapshot: 2244]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Freedom you sound flustered but you still haven't answered my question.

what does the shaft represent and the base represent? If you don't have any explanation for the shape then let's not argue anymore.
 
Posted on 04-26-13 2:17 PM     [Snapshot: 2260]     Reply [Subscribe]
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The shaft represents a penis if a pestle represents a penis. The base represents a vagina if the mortar represents a vagina. If making chutney using mortar and pestle is same as doing sex, then yes Shiva Linga represents sex.

If holding the pestle while making aachar is same as holding a penis, then yes praying to Shiva Linga is praying to a penis.

Take a look at your fingers, they are same shape also. It is only your dirty mind at work.
 
Posted on 04-26-13 2:40 PM     [Snapshot: 2276]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Haha Freedom now you have reached the height of lameness. Nobody is talking about mortar and pestle, Noone prays to the mortar and pestle. We are talking about the shiva linga here which people worship.

Like Juggy said, you are only discussing for the sake of discussion and you have no more points. So please do feel free to come back with more hawadaari stuff because that's all that can be expected from you at this point

Like I said if you don't have any explanation for the shape then let's not argue anymore. There is no if this or if that about it.
 
Last edited: 26-Apr-13 02:42 PM

 
Posted on 04-26-13 5:30 PM     [Snapshot: 2318]     Reply [Subscribe]
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 ok so conclusion of everything is, the shiva lingam is mortar and pestle which shivaji uses to grind his marijuana, which shivaji's power and power of creation. 
If I say it is penetration again, I might have sick mind, so I refrain myself from saying it. Thank you for enlighting me and Kiddo. :-)
 
Posted on 04-26-13 5:59 PM     [Snapshot: 2345]     Reply [Subscribe]
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@ Juggy,

when your ear itches and you put your finger inside to scratch or put a cotton swab, that is also a penetration. Or when you put ur finger inside your nose, that is also a penetration. But there is no need to link it to sex. :)  When you screw something in, that is also penetration. There is no need to think about sex whenever you see a pole and a hole.

Anyways, it is sad that most people seem to be unable to think beyond sex.


 
Posted on 04-27-13 4:34 AM     [Snapshot: 2398]     Reply [Subscribe]
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 Ok freedomji, I ll think about cotton swab inside my ear when I see shivaji next time,, He is my fav god anyways who smokes pot like there is no tomorrow and takes forms of animals, just to eat some more grass. :-)
 
Posted on 05-21-13 10:08 PM     [Snapshot: 2772]     Reply [Subscribe]
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 Behoove me

Not agreeing with religious beliefs is one thing, making fun of deities of the religion is another and that too on a public domain, is not completely innocent. To enjoy and laugh at fools like jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert is one thing, to imbibe that mocking art and ridicule gods of a religion (shiva, krishna ) is a little too much. I do not think Bal Thakeray is getting the same giggles as your targeted audience gets by reading your creative writing. this makes me think about Ayotollah who issued a Fatwa against Salman. That is a little far-fetched but still.

but u write good, there is no doubt. And thats why you are attracting attention, from all kinds of people. May we find peace.

 



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