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BigrekoManxe
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 Marriage not working!

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Posted on 09-08-16 8:30 PM     Reply [Subscribe]
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Hello all,
Need serious suggestions. I got married a few months back in Nepal. It was arranged type of thing. Everything wa alright until I met my ex a week before wedding. She persisted me to meet her for the last time and I did so. She called me two days before my wedding but I asked her not to call me or text and told her I was getting married. Story doesn't end there. She asked me to forgive her, give her a chance and cancel the wedding. Instead of canceling the wedding, I asked her to run away and to get married in a court, but she denied. She just wanted me to run away but I couldn't trust her; the reason was straight. She left me when we had a small fight over her ex being her best friend and on her facbook; I tried to save the relation for 5 long months; and finally got married.

When I returned back home from wedding, I realized I lost feelings for my wife. It went so bad, guys. I was like I made a huge mistake. I couldn't even sleep well with my wife while I was back in Nepal. Since I left Nepal, I haven't spoken with my wife. That's not the only thing, I haven't been able to sleep, work or do anything. I have been punishing myself for not giving another chance to my ex and for ruining my wife's life.

I just got an email from my employer that I was terminated due to poor performance. I have nothing now. Lost family because they forced me so much for marriage even I wasn't ready. Lost wife since I haven't spoken with her since I married her. Lost that ex bitch. Lost health and wealth. Almost everything.

Dear brothers, sisters and friends on sajha, I need your advices on divorce. Is divorce ethically or morally right? If I ask my wife to divorce me, would it be considered as I ruined her life? Would I stick with her even I don feel anything for her? Is it okay to seek divorce in Nepal if marriages don't work? Would I have to regret all my life for just divorcing her? Please guys, throw in some fruitful suggestions and some hopes to stay alive. I am being frustrated and sucidal thoughts are coming accross my mind.
 
Posted on 09-08-16 8:45 PM     [Snapshot: 25]     Reply [Subscribe]
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I have some questions for you.
1) What is your age?
2) What is your wife's age?
3) What is your education level and field of work?
3) What is your wife's education level and field of work?
4) When did you got married with your present wife?
5) How long was your relationships with your ex?


 
Posted on 09-08-16 9:01 PM     [Snapshot: 65]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Sorry to hear your story. About ruining your wife's life, imagine if your sister was in such marriage and her husband had no feelings for her. What would you hope for her? You should answer that yourself. And be strong bro, you made mistakes like a human being. Try to man up and make it correct, punish yourself by taking responsibility and making it right not by losing your health.
My personal opinion is you should have enough courage to apologize to your wife and make her happy, it might work or not. But you should give it a shot at least.
 
Posted on 09-08-16 9:02 PM     [Snapshot: 79]     Reply [Subscribe]
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About job, don't worry you csn take some time off and clear your mind. You will get another.
 
Posted on 09-08-16 9:13 PM     [Snapshot: 84]     Reply [Subscribe]
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In my opinion, this problem has arisen because you married her under the pressure of your family not because you loved her or liked her. This is the biggest mistake you made. You should own this mistake and not punish your wife for your mistake. May be you think that you don't have feelings for your wife because you haven't spent much time with her. You should bring your wife here and spend some time with her before jumping to divorce. Give this marriage a second chance, it's possible that you may fall in love with her. Marriage is not a child's play that you get married today and file for divorce tomorrow because you don't have feelings for her. From your post, it seems like your wife is innocent. Divorce for a woman is still a big issue in Nepal. You should not ruin her life.
 
Posted on 09-08-16 9:14 PM     [Snapshot: 106]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Posted on 09-08-16 9:22 PM     [Snapshot: 100]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Gather what is left, appreciate what you have, and move on in life.
You have your wife, you have your family, you can find another job, so cherish what you have, your wife, your family, and your future. You have a lot more than you in.
Don't just sit there and cry for what is gone and lost; do not live in the past.
 
Posted on 09-08-16 9:36 PM     [Snapshot: 150]     Reply [Subscribe]
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@ujl,
1) 29
2) 23
3) Bs software
4) BBA
5) Feb of this month
6) 3 yrs.. She broke up with me in last sep due to a small fight.... I literally tried to save the relation for 4 months... Got attitude and ignore in return... Started talking back in Mid jan... Planned to meet on 14 but she canceled meeting in the morning of 14th and I finally gave up...))
 
Posted on 09-08-16 9:43 PM     [Snapshot: 170]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Thank you all for your valuable suggestions
 
Posted on 09-08-16 10:07 PM     [Snapshot: 186]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Do everything you can to save your marriage brother. It seems like your ex should remain your ex - she does not seem trustworthy at all. Like someone suggested above, bring her here. As you spend more time with her, you might start having feelings for her. I would not consider divorce at this point if I was in your shoes.
 
Posted on 09-08-16 10:09 PM     [Snapshot: 186]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Forgot about your ex and focus on your wife.Remember your ex left you once and she could leave you again. No matter how pretty,hot she may be, you have no future with her.
"Our heart doesn’t always love the right people at the right time. Sometimes we hurt the ones that love us the most and sometimes we love the ones that don’t deserve our love at all. "

Dont be foolish and ruin what you already have to get something you may never have.
 
Posted on 09-08-16 10:42 PM     [Snapshot: 269]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Guys, I regret of not being able to give another chance to my ex. I don't have any clue whether it was my mistake. We forgave each other and started talking back but in a week or so she started ignoring me while I was trying so hard to maintain that relation.When I tried to move on with my life, she begged me to cancel my wedding. And when I was trying to save it, she gave me her attitude. So I gave up and let her know that I gave up. Then she wanted to meet; we met and exchanged kisses; but never had sex. This is the reason I regret. Was it my mistake? Was it worth my regression? This regression is what killing my marriage.
 
Posted on 09-09-16 12:05 AM     [Snapshot: 361]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Forget about your ex. She's your past. You've already moved on and got married. Now focus on your wife.
 
Posted on 09-09-16 8:50 AM     [Snapshot: 641]     Reply [Subscribe]
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@BigrekoManxe
Totally agree with all of the above comments. They all have same views, there should be something you are not doing/thinking right. You should never go back to your ex because you are already married to your wife. Dont think about divorcing your wife because you dont know how your relation will turn up with her and she might be your soulmate. You never know.
First thing first move on, clear your head about ur ex, even after giving 5 months time to fix the relation if dint work out, its not gonna work out. I think she is just coming back because she felt insecure that u got married in such a short period and of course before her. Second, You need to bring your wife here and spend quality time, make her happy , do your husband duties. You have not spent much time with her so you cant decide how your life will be with her. You are 29, man up, know your responsibilities towards your wife.
 
Posted on 09-09-16 9:09 AM     [Snapshot: 683]     Reply [Subscribe]
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waiyat selfish manche....arko nakharmauli ko lagi bihe gare ko budi lai chodni..afno bare matra sochni..kt ko life ko bare socheko khoi...divorce re..chak ma daura le hanna napugeko swanth...
 
Posted on 09-09-16 9:15 AM     [Snapshot: 710]     Reply [Subscribe]
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@cybro, I didn't say I wanna go back to her. I just want peace in my mind.
 
Posted on 09-09-16 9:33 AM     [Snapshot: 728]     Reply [Subscribe]
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@BigrekoManxe - I do not think you want peace of mind.

If u wanted peace of mind, you would have at least tried to fix ur issue with ur wife and forgot about ur ex.

you are thinking abt ur ex and blaming ur self for not give her a second chance - but on the other hand u r not even trying to talk to ur wife and started taking abt divorce without giving her a chance.

Peace of mind comes when you are content with what you have. You have ur wife, talk to her - apologies - bring her here - spend time with her.


 
Posted on 09-09-16 9:51 AM     [Snapshot: 775]     Reply [Subscribe]
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You are chasing a mirage and ruining everybody’s life in the process.

We have limited information about you, your wife and your ex, so take our input with grain of salt. It appears you still have feelings for your ex and this is why you can’t let your wife occupy the position in your heart that she deserves as a wife. Let’s give your ex a benefit of doubt and say she is not doing this deliberately to ruin your life; let’s say she genuinely had a change of heart and thus contacted you. However, this kind of behavior is a huge red flag. Anybody can have a change of heart, but not the way your ex had –that’s almost psychopathic behavior. She ignored you for the longest time and right before your wedding she asked you to cancel it. She might be suffering from “I want what I am missing” symptom. When she realized she can’t have you, your value in her eyes went up and she chased you. When you decided to meet her, your value went down (there probably was other logistic reasons too, but she would have met you regardless if she really wanted to). What does that tell you? Even if you get her, she will be your for only a short while and she will get tired of you and you will be dumped.

Is it possible that she will take you back for good? Anything is possible, but it’s all speculation at this point. Her behavior points towards red flags that you should avoid and go after the only certainty in your life that is your wife. Try rejecting any chances that you can go back to your ex and give yourself and your wife a chance-perhaps a new beginning. Even when somebody gets married under pressure, the marriage still can work. Marriage is not about perfect union of two set pieces, it is about keeping two things together. There will be compromises, there will be dissatisfaction; the idea is that you get more out of it than you lose.

I say don’t take any drastic action. First and foremost try to find a decent job and focus yourself towards your career. Meanwhile start treating your wife well, give her the respect she deserves as a wife – love might follow later. In your free time, meditate and hunt for jobs.
Good luck. You have a chance to set everything right, do it.

 
Posted on 09-09-16 10:24 AM     [Snapshot: 794]     Reply [Subscribe]
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I am amazed at such mature and thoughtful responses in Sajha. Sometimes Sajha got taken over by immature and Bigreka manche with 'you know what' topics. But this time looking at the answers, I can say that Nepali parents have done a good job in instilling good sense into most of us. This is the reason why they say "Nepali people are one of the most helpful people in the World".

BigrekoManxe,
Life is full of decisions. Every decision has good side and bad side. It is your perspective, how you look at it. In your case, you have already made a decision, thought under pressure, to marry. In life you will get a lot of opportunities to reconsider your marriage and many people are still reconsidering after having 2 kids. But they don't have the guts to go right out and make a decision they want or the good sense to live with their decisions.

Marriage is not what we see in Movies. This is why in our culture, love marriage is not given the importance as in western culture or even in today's Bolywood movies.

Talk to your wife about stuff like how she's feeling after coming to new place. You'll get to know her. Who knows? in time, you may even fall in love with her.


 
Posted on 09-09-16 10:45 AM     [Snapshot: 868]     Reply [Subscribe]
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Please don't be an inconsiderate asshole and a selfish prick. Your wife doesn't deserve any bullshit from an immature imbecile like you.

What do you mean by "lost feelings for my wife"? this was a married under arranged settings. People are merely supposed to feel attracted prior to marriages, falling for each other should be a continuous process as you get to know each other.

You'll do yourself no favors by thinking about your ex. She's an ex for a reason! It's easier said than done but what the situation calls for is you to grow a pair and apologize and confess to your wife and ask for forgiveness.

Unless you're 12, there is no excuse for this sort of pathetic behavior. It's extremely hard for women to get remarried in our culture. Your wife will be the one that people will be talking shit about if you continued acting like a chicken and asked for a divorce. I'm outraged that you are even considering divorcing her at this point. the problem lies within you. Don't blame and victimize others!
 



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