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There was nobody else around to do the job, and I had to go anyway.
While I was collecting the clothes there, I saw her at the next end of the roof. She was busy with some writings. I totally ignored her and went downstairs collecting the clothes.
Curiosity grasped my minds as I tried to concentrate on my study late that night. With all my efforts to study going in vain, I just went upstairs to see if she was still there, but couldn’t find her. Else I found a dairy of hers, pages turned open with the mild breezes. I just went there, and took that diary onto my hands. The letters written on that page simply caught my eyes, and I gazed over them for a long time. Although I don’t remember the exact words but it was written in Nepali somewhat like:
“Maybe I care more than I need to, maybe I want to get loved, maybe he doesn’t love me though but right now I just wish the things are just like before…just a wish…”
I couldn’t think of what to do. I just left that diary just there as it was, left there and went downstairs. That night, mesmerized in my thoughts, I couldn’t sleep till mid night. I didn’t know what to do, but I wasn’t ready enough to fall in love (Maybe she was always there, and for me she was taken as granted), and scared enough to miss her. I tried to analyze the words written, but couldn’t find any conclusion from the words, and at last conclude myself to keep the things as it was, take everything easily and carry on with the life as it was before.
Next evening, I just went to the rooftop, and she was right there as always. I just went and sit silently next to her. All the embarrassments were gone now, and she smiled at me. I smiled back. I saw a kind of satisfaction, a kind of mesmerism in that smile. I thought she must have taken that easily too, and there we were together once again to let the things as it were before, to let the time flow, as we gazed through thousands of stars.

************************************

Back at school, we were as now getting hard hits of SLC fever. The Pre-test were there to hit us soon and we had to read whole of Class 8, 9 and 10 books. It was just a big bunch of studying for us those days. Pee was thinking of getting some Math tuitions and asking me if I wanted to join him. I had myself improved a lot on the mathematics, and I convinced him for the combine study until the pre-test and later on tuitions for Test or SLC. He was convinced enough and Pee and I would practice together the mathematics at my place or his. I would keep the tapes running while practicing which would disturb my parents. I had to find a solution to this problem and later on I found out one too.
I had a cousin who had rented a room near the place we were living. He was going home for some months so somehow I got the key to his room. We would have dinner at our home and he would come to mine after dinner at his place. Then after, we would pack our books and notes, and would go to my cousin’s room buying some Wai-Wai as snacks on the way for late night stays. We would practice till the late.
It was fine until one late night, someone knocked at door.
Surprised, we watched at our watch, it was already 10:30.
Scared we didn’t open the door for three or four knocks.
“Bhitra ko chha??” A ladies voice called from outside.
“Bahira ko??” We rather interrogated, scared hell enough, remembering of the all the kichkanya’s tale we had heard.
“Ma maathi ko gharbeti ko chhori.” Our breathe come out to life.
Silently we opened the door.
“Ye bhai haaru po…”, then she added, “Dai khoi ni?”
“Ghar jaanubhayeko chha, aabo ek dui mahina aaunu hunna!!” I concluded myself as fast as I could.
She went away. I hadn’t felt it other way, but Pee added.
“Tero dai ko deewana jasto chha…hehehehehehehe”.
She was too much fat, and later I found out a she also had a son but didn’t knew anything about the husband. She wasn’t kind of woman my cousin would go for. (Later my cousin told me that she had been hunting for him since he had taken that room, but with no other rooms around, He was kinda majboor) But Pee and I would have rather many jokes related to that woman. We would tease each other saying “Oyee talai tyo man parchha jasto chha ni…jack sack laayera milaidiun”
Another time, I had gone to Pee’s place for combine study, and this time Mohan had also came there. As they say “Laato desh ma Gaado tanneri” I had become kind of genius in mathematics and after practicing till about 10:30, I rather went to sleep. It wasn’t long before, I felt my eyes burning. Rubbing my eyes, I was wide awake. More I rubbed my eyes, more burning grew.
Mohan and pee were there laughing, with Vicks in their hands.
“Sutaunla bhanthyo, hehehehehehehehe”
Laughter made me even more angrier, but to stop burning I ran toward tap. And splashed water in my eyes till the burning stopped.
Back I came to room, and gathered all my belongings, and was going out of room, just then Pee spoke.
“Baato ma Kichkanya le samtala hai, baato ma maaris bhaane hamailai nasamaatoss, yeso yeuta chitthi lekhera jaa, maren bhane Pee ra Mohan jimmewaar chhaina bhanera….heheheheheh”
I couldn’t stop my laughter. And I got scared too.
I stayed there at Pee and sooner went to sleep once again leaving Pee and Mohan practicing all night, not to be awakened by Vicks Vaporub again. Next morning, Mohan became Pee and mine victim for sleeping late till morning. It was all fun.
Those were the days, carefree and fun filled.

************************************

The Pre- test came and went, and soon test would be there to hit us harder than Pres. This time, Pee and I took up tuition of the mathematics. Most of time at tuitions, I would take the practice sheets from our Guruba and practice all kinds of questions he had. I had maintained myself a high profile as a learner there, always one step ahead of all the others. While other would be busy learning, I would be busy practicing myself(I was proud of myself, never got to be so proud later on though…;-)…Pee had bought a new 15 gear bicycle and we would go to tuitions on that bicycle. We would have tuitions late in the evenings and we would normally come home late.
Due to some reasons (I don’t know the exact reasons), our science course hadn’t yet been completed yet. It was fine till the test as test would be taken by our own school, but for SLC we had to cover it too, and just for that sake we had to search for Science tuition teacher. We were running here and there just to find one fine science teacher, but before we could find one the sent up test was already there to hit us. Pee and I did pretty well at Sent-up test. Usually, it would be tough, as the test would mean cut off for not so good students, but I had reached a 70% marks, and in both mathematics, I had hit 90% marks, I was mere more happy than I could be. After tests, we once again searched for teacher, and finally found a good one. But the problem was he would take the tuition class only at 6:00 in the mornings and would take the class continuously for 2 hours only for 2 weeks. We were happy that we got chance to get those tuitions. But at those tuitions, I didn’t understood most of lectures, as I would normally doze off in the final half periods of two hours. But we sure got some of valuable notes, which helped in SLC.
In between these times, she and I had limited times together. Sometimes, I would just see her passing through the corridor, at times when I would go on rooftop just to get some fresh air, and sometimes I would just leave my studies and all just to be with her at rooftops, just to be together.
The exams of the SLC had started now, and the Iron Gate odyssey was coming to an end. Pee and I hadn’t watched movie for more than 2 months for now, and on each day walking down the Ranibari route to go to exam centre, we would plan about watching the newest flicks in the town. On the way we would sing
“Ghar se nikalte hi,
Kucch door chalte hi,
Raste mein hai uska ghar,
Kaal subaah dekha to,
Baal banati woh”,
eve teasing a girl, who would sit by the window whenever we would cross her home. The exams were better than before, and I was more than happy of performing it well.
After the exams, I had made myself a promise of ending the void of words in between her and me, but lesser did I knew about the fate’s destiny for us two.

************************************

The exam has ended for me, but she had gone to her Aunt’s home for her Min Pachaas holidays. I was willing to talk with her this time, but she was nowhere around. Then struck the lightening, which was bound to hold us apart.
My parents had been planning to move the place, as the apartment was becoming small for us, and my cousin was also planning to stay with us. Only that day did I know about their plan.
“Oyee chhora, aabo haami sarne hola yo hapta ma!!!” mom said to me.
Dumbfounded, I stood there senseless as if hit by a thunderbolt.
“Kahaan?? Kina??” I fired the question, surprisingly.
“Aali tadha nai chha, Kalanki tira, Aasti nai bhanaula bhaneko tanlai, tero jaanch bhayekole nabahneko, aabo yo thaun pani sano bhayo, tero prakash dai pani sangai basne re, aani aabo hamilai pani kotha chahiyo ni aali badhi tehi bhayera…”
I couldn’t hear any more words than that; different thoughts came haunting my mind. I saw, all my plans going down my drain, I saw, she and I separated million miles apart, I saw, hanging out with Pee would be distant dreams as we would now be living at two poles of Kathmandu.
Desire of meeting her went berserk, and I wanted to at least see her badly before I left the place.
Next day, I went to Pee’s place to meet him, and he told me about his plan of going to trekking in between those holidays. I told him about our changing places. We talked and watched movies on the Star Plus whole day. We separated that day, promising to keep in touch and meet later.
Back at home, I spent most of time either safekeeping my goodies into boxes or packing the clothes or either spending most of time lonely at the rooftop, listening to all the songs played in FM station.
Days passed and soon enough the detested day was tomorrow. Tomorrow morning we were leaving the place for our new home.
I had almost lost all the hopes of meeting her, but that day she came back from her Aunt’s place. I was happy to see her back again. And I promised at least I will say some words to her.
Late that evening, I went to rooftop hoping to meet her there. But there was no one. I would have waited forever, but forever ended after about an hour.
She must have heard about us leaving the place. I had never seen her eyes so sad before, I had seen pain, I had seen happiness, I had seen joy, but never that sadness. I tried to open my mouth to say some words, but words were hard to find. I had no courage left to look into those eyes again; rather we stayed silently next to each other for moment. I wanted to tell her I will miss her, but missing would be the word incomplete, I wanted to tell her, her company had always given me immense solace, but word wasn’t enough. Just the silence spoke in between us.
“Iruu” Someone was calling her downstairs.
“Haajur Mami” She replied.
“Kaati maathi matra gairakhchha, tala aaija ta” her mom called her downstairs.
I would have stayed there with her whole night but there were boundaries.
She went away from me, and she didn’t turn back, she had tears in those hazel eyes which she didn’t want to show, I could see us separating apart then. I may have stopped her, but I choose to let her go. She just went away from me farther and farther.

************************************

Next morning, we were busy transporting our goodies into the truck. I searched for those hazel eyes, but couldn’t find them anywhere around. There were other neighbors though telling us to keep in touch, and all other things. I just wished to see the hazel eyes once again, but it had gone away now.
As soon as all the belongings were loaded, Mom and dad told me to go on the truck. They would be coming through bus later on. They had some other things to take care of. I didn’t wanted to leave place without seeing her, but my parents told me there must be someone to help my cousin to unload and I couldn’t resist.
I just went and climbed up into the truck and sat along the goodies.
The truck roared into life, and slowly began to move.
My only wish came true, just at the moment. I could see her by the gate, and happy I was to see her. But the truck had gained its momentum now; we began drifting apart more and more. The dust rose to blur the vision, and at distance I saw her waving her hand, I raised my hand to wave goodbye, right then the truck took the turn and I couldn’t see her anymore. But she is still in my memories till date, the reminiscence never to be erased.
I lost the contact for more than 3 years or so, and once I went to her place with my cousin, but merely that become just a hello to her family, and we were just like strangers.
But I learned many things from our memories, and she taught me my first lesson of love, the basics to travel through the odyssey of love. I learned from her, to love someone, you love him/her without wanting anything in return, Love is all about how much can you give rather than how much you get. She taught me, when you love someone, you just want your loved one to be happy always no matter what cost you have to bear. We learnt together, when you love someone, feelings work rather than flow of thousand false and “not meant” words, the love has its own language which sparks into life when the “true love” is around.
I missed that kind of company all the years through, and when I loved someone later on I tried my best to give my love everything that I learned from her. Then only I came to know, when you love someone, you will give him/her everything you have, only wanting his/her LOVE in return.
And whenever I remember her, I just hear Roxette singing in the background
”……It must have been love,
But it’s over now,
It must have been good,
But I lost it somehow……”
I know now, she was first love of my life, LOVE that I failed to recognize; LOVE: Unspoken.
**********************************The Starting**********************************

   [ posted by Nirman @ 07:04 PM ] | Viewed: 1672 times [ Feedback] (1 Comment)

It was Friday. I still lied there still awake...Homework to be finished. Homework never fascinated me, the only reason I did it was to escape from the punishments. Also I have to finish it now, tomorrow we were to shift apartment. With my father working as whole-timer in a Communist Party at that Panchayet era, there was frequent change of places for us and continuous change of friends. With homework finished, I went to bed� there was whole new day ahead.
Strange eyes were peering into us as we transferred our goodies into our new dwelling. We were used to it with so much of shifting places. But I still remember those hazel eyes watching me as if I were a prince from Caribbean. There was much more works to do rather than watching back to those eyes, rooms to be cleaned and set up.
She was our flat partner's daughter. We were in other words next door neighbors. I think she was 7-8 in those days, I exactly don't know, never asked. After she saw me the first thing she told her parents was that she would marry me someday. With her mother so much chit chatter, the marriage thing was now widespread all over the flat within 2 days. With myself being only 11 years at that time, I was so irked by the fact of marriage. My entire cousin soon knew about this and my marriage was gossip of the town, and I simply hated her for loving me. My cousins would tease me every time I meet them, which irritated me more.
She used to come to talk with me; I would irritate her with my gawky voice whenever she came near me. I was petrified of gossip of marriage. I would confine myself whole day in my room on holidays rather than to talk with her. She was only friend available within the community but I was rather reluctant to speak with her moreover to be friend.
It was raining that day, I was just watching the drops of rain falling on the ground, wanting to go and get wet in rain but afraid that mom would scold. I didn't notice her but next thing I knew was she was just sitting next to me.
"Rainy day, huh??" she started the conversation.
"No, a sunny one, with sunlight everywhere." I started my mission.
"Do you like to get wet on the rain??" She asked.
"But where is the rain?" same gawky voice.
"I always like to play in the rain, it is so much fun." She stood up, and walked toward the rain, without even being irritated with my replies.
"That is what I also want to do" my inner soul told me.
Without even caring of mom's tough rebuke, I also ran toward rain. Next thing I knew was we were playing in the rain, carefree and like flower children, the children of nature. We were all wet, all covered with the mud and all dirty, but who cared when one can have so much fun. That night I was thoroughly scolded by my mom. But that day, a friendship started, not to end I thought.

************************************

She was cute (I don't know if she was beautiful, but as a child she was cute), talkative, carefree, and yeah intelligent (She was first in her class), but above all her company was good enough for me. We used to play all sort of things Chor police (only one chor and only one police, and of course I always win), hide and seek, and those bhadakuti(that I didn't like a bit, but there was no option either, it was all give and take).
I still remember those hide and seeks. Once I hid into my room's almirah, where I knew she would never find me. But next thing I knew was I was locked inside. Dark and helpless, I didn't know what else to do. But I was rather reluctant to call for help; at least I didn't want to become the seeker. But after about half an hour I felt scared to death. Temperature growing and suffocating inside, I knocked hard on the almirah door. Moments later she came into the room.
"I got u", She shouted, without coming near being afraid of that dhyappa.
"HELL YA, but I' m locked inside", I cried frustratingly.
"Wait a moment, I'll open it" She tried unsuccessfully.
"I think I m gonna die here inside." I urged the urgency.
"No, you won't, who else gonna marry me??" She said innocently, starting sobbing.
She tried once again, but infuriated and frustrated with failure, she began crying. I myself was helpless inside, tears flowing down my cheeks, I didn't know the way out. I started weeping too. I just remember to that point.
May that be a sheer luck, but my mom returned from market as she has forgotten to take enough money. Seeing her crying outside the almirah, she at once opened the door. White and pale, I was there, unconscious. I was rushed immediately to the hospital, where I regained my consciousness. As the matter was not that serious, I was admitted for a night for observation and was back home next day.
She was sitting there on stairs, eyes red and swollen with all night crying, pale than when I was unconscious, waiting to see me back and alive. As soon as I reached the gate (I was walking, with zeal to show my parents how tough I am), she ran towards me and more than that she hugged me in front of everyone.
"Oh My GOD" Heart pounded blood into my head, numb and red faced with shame I stood there watching all around me laughing.
But she was still hugging caring less for laughter, she was so happy to not let me go away again. I tried to get free from her grip and as soon I succeeded, I ran toward my room, furious and embarrassed of her hugging.
I didn't spoke to her for next 10 or maybe 15 days.

************************************

There was a mandir near where we lived. Situated on top of a small hill, surrounded by forests, with a long staircase to get to the top, but the beauty, peace and serenity of that mandir was so much that the reward worth the hard work. I could see my school from there, see the Bishnumati flowing alongside (it wasn't that dirty those days); It was really fascinating and was one of my favorite hideouts. Hiking was one of my passions those days (still is but not to go to work with all those bandhs now a day), and instead of taking the stairs built for going up I had made my own way up through the jungle. I used to call it "adventure trekking" and would climb upwards through the bushes and the slippery route. I would fall and had scratches all over my hands and face but I was too adamant to take the main route.
I used to go there frequently when I wouldn't be playing with her. And to run away from her after such an embarrassing incident I went there whenever I was free.
It was Saturday, I think, not sure but it was holiday and I was free. With no friends I would like to hang out around, I went to my heaven on earth.
I used my usual way up, not taking the main trail.
With help of my previous practices and a little hard effort I was at top of the hill, and was proud of myself of victory over that little hill. As usual I went to the spot where I usually rest after my victory. There was a little sattal next to the mandir. A stair led to the rooftop of that sattal. I was lying over on the rooftop, tired of the climb.
She came out of nowhere, dirty as me, scratches on her hands and face. I knew at once she had been following me. I just ignored her even after she came to sit next to me.
I was there, silent, staring at the sky. She was silent too for moment just sitting next to me.
"Risayeko (angry)???" She opened conversation.
I remained silent.
"Maile k garen (what did I do)???" She asked as if she had done nothing.
I still remain adamant.
"Ma sanga zindagibhari katti ho??(Won't you ever talk with me???)" She looked sad.
"No, I am happy, ok, now shut up? And don't talk with me. And for god's sake leave me alone." I replied furiously.
All of sudden, there were tears in her eyes. I wouldn't have cared but she wasn't leaving the place, tears began flowing down her cheeks. She looked cute with those tears flowing from hazel eyes down her white cheeks. She stayed there afraid that I would leave her again.
I would have been adamant in talking to her but my heart told me to speak.
"Hatterika, kyaa royirakhchha bhane, ma risayeko chhaina k!( O my gosh, you are always crying, okay, I m not angry!!" I told her so she would stop crying.
A smile sparkled on her face. I would never forget that smile. Tears flowing down the cheek and still smiling, that face held a magical charm. But I confess I really liked her see crying. She was so cute.
And hence the spell of katti was broken. We were once again friends and she was only one who knew about my top secret hideouts.

************************************

Time passed, and before I knew the final exams of class 4 was there to hit me. "Study is a compulsion to you" My mom would say. I was lean and thin at that time (still am). And My mom would continue "Ahile padhena bhane paachi bhariya bannu parla, aani tan jasto dublo lai kasle patyanuchha?? (If you don't study now, You will have to become bhariya (porter) in future, and who would believe in thin person like you??" I was scared to death to become a bhariya, So I would study just to get a better future and a good job (Now it seems bhariya would have been better option�;-)). Anyways, I had to study for exams, and I did it just thinking not to become bhariya.
Soon the exam was over and there was two months winter vacation or min pachaas, my favorite time of the year when I would be free just to do anything I want. No tensions of mom scolding for not studying, no tensions of homework, carefree as I was head of all my schedules.
Times would pass playing with her, or going alone for my "adventure trekking", finding new and harder trails through jungle to the top, or lying still in garden staring at the stars in nights, or teasing her with the scariest pranks.
Also min pachaas would mean I would have chance to go to live at my cousin's home. Going for long bicycle ride with my cousins, playing table tennis on dining tables, making new flavors of ice-creams, discovering new games of cards, playing carom board all day long, playing ludo and being angry when defeated�(I can't remember more) would be our favorite pastime.( I still miss those precious moments).
She didn't have much cousins and once she asked me if she could come to mine, but I was embarrassed enough to take her there. And, when I would go to my cousin's, She wouldn't go anywhere from home just to wait for me to be back from my cousin's place.
Two months passed as if two moments and it was again time to get back to school before I knew.
I had passed my fourth grade with the aggregate marks above average. I was satisfied, but my mom was furious because she wanted me to get at least distinction. (Which I never got in my school life, my aggregates would always be below distinctions)
I was all set to start a new class. In the school I studied, we would have more than 10 sections in each class, the advantage or maybe disadvantage was that there would be new friends to be made every year.
I usually used to get two or three old friends in my new class but this time around all faces were new to me. I had to start from zero.
The seats of class were reserved in the first come first take basis. I was last to enter my class that very first day. And all I got was that forbidden last bench without any friends around.
At Tiffin time, with not a single new friend made, I remained in the class.
I was there at the last bench, with none around to recognize me.
I hadn't noticed him before. I think (don't remember exactly) he was sitting in the third row and reading something colorful.
Curious, I wanted to make friend with him immediately, but was reluctant to initiate. Instead I choose to pass by him so he would rather speak with me. I slowly passed in-front of him. But he was rather busy with his colorful book (which was first comic strip I ever saw). I was now too much impatient to start conversation.
"Hi" I played my shot.
"Hey" he replied.
"timro naam k ho??(what is your name??)", I asked.
"Call me Pee. anni tmro ni??(And yours)" He replied.
"Nirman." I gave my introduction.
"Can I see that??" I asked, curious to see that comics.
"Sure" He was ready to share his book with me.
"Thanks" I started seeing my first comic strip ever.
I don't remember it was Naagraaj comics or Super Commando Dhruva comics but that day a new friendship started, which would be one of my first long term and intimate friendship. (We still remain very good friends till date.)

************************************

I was returning back home alone from school that day.
"Hey" Someone called me from back.
I turned to see.
"Sandhai yehi baato jaane ho?? (Do you always take this route??)" There he was, Pee, asking me.
"Yeah" I replied.
"Ma pani (Me too)" He added.
I was very much happy to get companion while returning home. It was long was and a companionship would be advantage. His home was at about 15 minutes distance from where I lived.
"aagiko comics kaati parchha??(How much does your comic cost??)" I asked, keen to own my one.
"11 rupees" He replied
"11 rupees", I thought, with not much pocket allowances, something costing that much was faraway dream for me.
"Hey, if you want to see mine then you can take this home today, and return it to me tomorrow." He lent his comics to me.
I was happy to take that comic strip to my home, but at the same time I was too much eager to buy one of my own.
Back home, I was sitting alone in the garden, just sitting and thinking about the way to buy that comic beside me.
"Khelne ho?? (Wanna play??)", I hadn't noticed her coming near me.
"Nope" I replied.
"Why??" She wanted reasons.
"Simple, I don't want to." I said irritatingly with my gawky voice so she would go away.
"K bhayo?? (What happened??)" She wouldn't go away.
"Nothing" I didn't want to share.
"Tmi pani comic padhchhau?? (You also read comics??)"She saw the comic beside me.
Here was another one who knew about comics before I did.
"Yeah" I said bluntly.
"My dad also owns some." She told me.
"Really!!!" I exclaimed in disbelief "Malai dekhau na�(Show that to me�)" I added.
"Daddy le pitnu hunchha (Daddy will beat me)"She was scared of her dad.
I was sad that I won't be able to see another one. I didn't speak a word.
She stayed there alongside with me silent, without saying a word. We were there just silent for about half an hour.
She just stood, and went to her room. After some moments, she came back with two or maybe three (My memory is weak) comics. She hurried towards me.
"Kasailai nadekhaunu hai (Don't show it to anyone.)" She was afraid but she didn't care even if her father would beat her.
I sat pleased, with my smiling face. She smiled too.
I was touched, touched deep inside my heart.

************************************

Those were 'Tintin' comic strip. I really liked those over those Hindi comics. But later I found out that that would cost far lot more than Hindi ones, and those I couldn't even dream of�
Back at school, there was strange craze for Hindi comics. And my mind was set back in willingness to buy my own Hindi comic book.
"Mom, Can you give me 10 rupees?" I requested.
"What for??" She wanted reasons.
"Nothing, I just need it." I didn't want to say reasons.
"No money without reason." Topic was closed.
"Will you give it to me if I tell you reason??" I tried once again.
"Okay. If reason if validated." She replied.
"To buy comics." I explained.
"What??" She looked surprised. "Comics are not for you. Comics will fry your brain with worst imaginary things. And eats up your valuable time for study�and blah blah blah�."She made it clear for me.
Now with my only source of income closed, I had to find another way to buy comics.
I had noticed that bag when searching for something at cupboard. It was the bag where my dad used to put the donation he has collected for his party. I was afraid to touch that bag before, but now my need has become awesome, and I have to gather my guts to invade that bag. I had done small time theft of 2-3 rupees before from the drawers, below pillows and other places where money was put carelessly. But 20 rupees was big one for me and I didn't know other way to make money.
That day nobody was home. I made my plan and went to my parent's room for invasion. There it was, my target, I went ahead and took 20 rupees out of it in 2 rupees changes. I put the bag inside and closed the cupboard. Completing the mission I turned back.
"Abbuii�(Whoa)" I was scared to death.
Silly me I had forgotten to lock the door. She was standing right behind me.
"Why did you take money??" She asked.
"It's my dad's and I can take anything of his�" I didn't know what else to say.
"You are a thief." She caught me red handed.
"No, I am not." I tried to protect myself.
"I will tell your dad." She threatened me.
I was scared to death of being beaten. I didn't know what else to do.
"I will give you half." I tried to lure her.
"I won't take it, I am not thief." She rejected.
Scared to death I was of being beaten, I grabbed her and threatened.
"If you tell this to my mom and dad, I won't marry you and more than that if they beat me, I will be dead."
She looked vague and pale hearing my words.
(I sure owe heartfelt sorry of telling that to her�I am Sorry�if you are reading this somewhere out there)
I was bit relieved and sure that my secret will be buried forever. I was afraid at the same time.
I don't know about others but that day, in some way, communist party has given me equality. The money (although I have stolen that) from their donation helped me stand on equal foot with my classmates; I can own my own comic now.

************************************

With the enough money to buy two comics, I approached Pee for my first comics. Pee became my first vendor and I got two comics and one free comic in the deal. Now I was a proud owner of three comics. However, soon those three comics held no charm after some weeks and I couldn�t steal more money for buying new, I was dead scared of getting caught again.
As they say, � Where there is a will, there is a way�, there soon was a way to get me out of the problem. I found a new customer for my comics. He was only son of some rich fellow who was locked inside his home once he was in. He has no other way to buy comics rather than to depend on friends. I sold my three comics in price of four, and there I made my first profit ever. Now I was out again with Pee to buy the comics. This time we went together to the market for our shopping crusade for comics.
Pee and I were now together a team and would go up to Basantapur to fetch new comics. Soon enough we made wide circle of customers in our class and we were known comics baron at school. I was now independent for my comic expenses.
Pee and I were best team together. We learned too many things being together. Together we discovered our first porn magazine (We were heck unaware of what sex was though, but covered body shown open just lured us), together we started cheating on the comics shopkeepers (Pay for three comics and take home five comics), together we knew what keeping crush was (Pee had crush on a girl for more than five years, but he never ever spoke to her, For me I never needed one), together we were in never ending bond of friendship.
Maybe I was selfish that time, I totally forgot her and was immersing myself totally in my comics business. Holidays would pass going for comics hunt with Pee and time after school would pass reading comics inside course books. She would come and ask me to play with her, but I would simply refuse. With sad face, she would just go away.
Sometimes, when I would go out of room, she would be just sitting in the garden alone. I would often just go and sit beside her. Though we couldn�t speak a word, but there would be this cute smile sparkling on her face and we would just sit there silent.
When I wouldn�t be going for my comic hunts on holidays (which was mostly rare), I would play cards and ludos with her. I would cheat on ludos, but she would just tolerate it. Even in cards I would cheat, but she would just ignore and remain silent. Maybe she just loved the few moments spent with me and I would just take advantage of it.

************************************

It was now more than two years since I had met her and it was more than a year since I had met Pee. Pee and I were in different sections now, but we would go to school together and return back together. With us being in two different sections, now we had advantage of broader mass of customers. We had customers in most of the sections of out class and we were business genius even in that small age (now I think I should have taken business as my career).
With my business on the go and comics we had cheated on dealers, I had made myself a huge collection of Nagraaj and Super Commando Dhruva comics. Pee and I would always dream of being like those heroes. We would compete on drawing those characters, and Pee would always excel in arts. He was a born artist, I was always jealous of his abilities.
I was in my wonder years of teen now. Flamboyant, witty, wanting to be macho (which I never became), curios, and everything any teen would be. I had now also a finest ability to irritate anyone; I was one of most irritating person in world.
She and I were growing together and together we were developing strange intimacy. Even if we won�t say a word, we would understand what is in another�s mind. We didn�t share much time together now, but whatever we shared were passionate. We would find solace in each other�s company, even if we were sitting silent with each other.
Those days, her mother used to cut her hair short,� boy�s cut� they would call that. And irritating I was, I had found finest way to irritate her.
I would just have to say �boy, boy�
She would have tears in her eyes.
And I would add, �With look like that, no boys ever gonna love you, faraway be the marriage.�
She would burst into tears now.
I wouldn�t know the way to stop her from crying, but her mother would always come out of nowhere to scold me. I hated those scolds, but I wouldn�t stop my behavior also.
I still remember that day vividly.
That day, I was stacking up my collection of comics in my cupboard. She came in.
� Hey, what are you doing� she wanted to talk.
�Aankha chhaina ki k ho, aankha ho ki button?(Don�t you have eyes, Are they eyes or button? )� I started irritating.
�Hoina, I was just asking.� She said innocently.
I turned back stacking up my comics.
My god, she just had her hair cut, and she just looked like boy. Actually, I always loved her long hair, silky and long black. Long hair always held an attraction to me (may that be on man or woman), and I hated her hair cut like boys.
Now I had got to irritate her more.
�Boy, boy� I started.
She looked hurt, � Why do you always have to say that?�
�Because, satya tito hunchha (truth is bitter)�I fired once again.
Tears in her eyes, she went out of my room. And not before long, her mother was out to scold me.
�Man Pardaina bhane nabolnu ni mero chhori sanga, sandhai ruaaunu parchha ki k ho?? (If you don�t like don�t talk with my daughter, do you always have to make her cry??)� Her mother scolded.
With no elders in my home, I had no fear to reply back.
�Bolnu parekochhaina hamilai. (I don�t need to speak)�I fired arrogantly.
�Nabolnu ni.(Don�t talk then)� She sure was angry and wanted us to be apart.
� I won�t ever.� I made myself arrogantly a promise never to speak again.
From that day on, I stopped talking with her. We never spoke with each other again.

************************************

Time passed, Rivers flowed. Days, weeks and months were gone and I didn�t care anything. I was just busy with myself. I would ignore her passing in front of me, but I still remember those strange looks in her eyes, which I preferred to ignore more. I was too much stubborn or arrogant, whatever the word is I just ignored her.
I was in height of my teenage. With the love for comics as well, now I had developed love for music also. I had friends who would listen to hindi songs then and I was into strange craze of Kishor Da. The first ever cassette I bought was that consisting of songs of Kishore Da, but later I found out that even those songs were actually song by someone named Kumar Sanu. I was so disappointed that I broke that cassette. Later I bought originals of Kishore Da. Now along with comics I started making own collection of cassettes. Pee was also into music and it was he who made me available of those first Beatles songs. Later, I found myself in love with the music of The scorpions, Enigma, Lobo, Mr. Big, Metallica, Guns and Roses, Nirvana, many other I can�t remember and above all �The Doors�. Pee has now a new double decker stereo in his home and now we spent most of our times together in holidays, either creating our own collection of music or going for hunt of comics and cassettes.
Before I knew it was now more than a year, I had last spoken to her. We would pass in front of each other as complete strangers and I thought she had forgotten me too. Not much remarkable things happened so far between us in that time.
Time passed faster, and now I had passed my exams of class eight and was to get into class nine. We were entering our first or maybe second (Is 8 was first step???) step toward what they called Iron Gate.
I still remember that year vividly. Pee had stayed at mine place that day to go for admitting our self to our new class. Pee and I woke up before the rooster did and went to school so as to get our roll numbers lesser and together. Those days, our roll numbers would be given on the basis of admissions, and quicker the admission; the lower would be the roll number. However, we couldn�t get the roll numbers as low as we wanted but we were happy to get together again in our new class. This class would be the wonder year I would remember forever.
I don�t remember the first day of the class but I sure do remember most of days after that. We sure had strange fleet of good and bad teachers (some were worst). There was a teacher who was so skinny that we used to call him �Khopadi� sir. He used to teach us English and was one of best teacher, but he has this strange habit of putting �what the� in his sentences. We even used to count how many �what the� he would say (about 135 in a period as far as I remember). Pee used to draw his figure in the class with his finest skills. I had one of his arts of that sir, but later someone stole that piece of art. Then there was another teacher who used to teach us optional math, young and energetic, he was called � Kanya Rasi� for his obsession toward ladies. There was our assistant head master then called �CK Bam� as he was too short. Then there was another madam teaching us health science. I am sorry to say but she was worst of all. All the class simply had no respect for her. I still remember almost all of her classes distinctly as she would teach our last period and that would be our fun period.
Apart from strange teachers, this was the year, when we all class students (specially guys) were most united, when we used to fake of having crush on girls, when we used to read soft porn or comics inside our course books while class is going on, when we used to tease girls in our class for having boy friends in senior years (we even had fight with those guys following the matter), when I developed avid love for movies and books, when we started trading cassettes, when Pee and I would have first and last fight ever and wouldn�t speak with each other for about 4 months, and when I developed a deep love of spending time with her sitting silently with each other (I must have been too adamant to speak).

************************************

That class of nine was a transitional year for me. I was deep in my teenage now (I was fifteen) now and was turning into adult day by day. There were lots of changes happening within me, emotionally and physically, most of which I wouldn�t understand. Most of things Pee and I would sort out with each other, but still some things would remain unsolved and remain mystery till we grew older. We were growing fearless and would be boiled up even in smallest things. The most of class at school would be just like compulsion to us. Pee and I would always talk about being independent soon and make lots of money. We would dream of going together to college, being partners in business and building our home next to each other (None of which will come true later though).
The Tiffin time at school would start with rushing to that canteen to get in line to fetch Mo: Mo. And as soon as we finish our Mo: Mo (Pee would always be last to finish), we would hang out in school premise, sometimes looking around for Pee�s crush, sometimes waiting in line to play Table Tennis (Although sometimes we won�t even get a chance) and sometimes just gossiping around.
That year we kind of become rebellious also, we now learned to raise voice against the teachers we won�t prefer. Although we would never complain to administration, we started ragging the teachers we won�t like.
One of the teachers that suffered most was the health teacher. Some of the incidents in her classes, I still vividly remember.
Once she was hell lot of angry of getting ragged everyday and screamed at us.
�Yestai ho bhane Tmiharule Jaanch ma aalu khanchha (If this continues, you will get potatoes in exam)?�
Witty we were, Pee fired back.
�Rato ki seto??? (Red or white)?�
God!!! She was so much in fire and asked whole calls who said that. United we were, she never find out, although whole class had to stand up for whole period.
Another one was, once she caught one of our friend red-handed reading comics (Thank god!!! She didn�t find another one) keeping inside book. Later when class ended, our friend went to her and asked, �padhepaachi phirta lyaidinu hai M�am (Please return it after you read it!!!)?� Man!!! I still remember those looks in her eyes. She looked so hurt. Seeing that look, I tried for a week or so to be serious in her class but to no avail. After week or two, I was also the same bunch as class was. (We sure awe sorry for that madam, Thanks for bearing us!!! You sure were brave!!!)
Then came the day when Pee and I had fight. The fight was not that big, nor that small; But we didn�t talked with each other for about four months after that.
Those days, we used to have our strange ink splashing fights while classes would be going. We used to splash our inks from pen on our friends� shirts secretly.
That day was Sunday and I was in my whitest shirt crisp and clean.
After period or two, I spotted some ink spots in my shirt. Pee being only the next bench partner, I thought it was him and without even thinking for second, I splashed back ink into his shirt.
Damn!!! He caught me red-handed and more than that it was not him who had splashed ink on me.
Pee didn�t spoke to me that whole day and we didn�t even return home together that day.
Next day, pee changed bench.
And we were like strangers for next four months.

************************************

I thought it would resolve in few days, but instead Pee and I were finding each other with different bunch of people now. Initially I didn�t miss him much, but as soon as the weekend came, I surely missed hanging out with him. This weekend was first weekend in years when I was not hanging out with Pee (Unless I had to go to relatives). With no other friends around I found myself in solitude.
I just went to the rooftop of my home that day. All with my loneliness, I just sat there with my tons of comics, which soon I got bored of.
After an hour or so, she came to the rooftop, but acted as if she hadn�t noticed me, or maybe I didn�t notice her noticing me.
She went to another end of the roof and just stayed there looking to the other side.
I noticed her too but I tried my best to ignore.
At least I tried to act as if I was ignoring her.
Maybe for about 15 minutes I tried not to look at her side, and eventually failed.
As soon the desire grew more than my control, I slowly peered into her side afraid she would see me peering into her side.
GOD!!! There she was, with her long hair now, and for first time I noticed she had grown too.
I was bedazzled, even I hadn�t seen her face, was now kind of staring at her.
Sooner, she looked at my side and seeing me staring at her, she just smiled.
Embarrassed I was, I smiled back, not knowing what else to do.
I turned away and tried to ignore her again. But that innocent look has now hypnotized me. I never wanted to miss those looks again.
Once again, my heart throbbed to talk with her, but stubborn I was I didn�t talk with her. That day, though we were in opposite ends, we stayed there till late gazing the stars. (That was my favorite pastime in solitude, and maybe hers too)
Next day, after school, with nothing much to do, I went to rooftop. She was already there and impulsively I just went and stood next to her. She looked at my side, I sure still remember that twinkle on her hazel eyes, and she smiled the cutest smile I have ever seen. I smiled back too, but I had no guts to speak, and I didn�t. That day, we stayed together at one end of the roof till the star came out, and gazed to those twinkling stars, together after about one and half year.
Destined to be together, I think, we were there again beside each other, but this time without interchange of a single word.

************************************

The whole new chapter had started now. Although with no words exchanged, we would know what was inside another�s heart. We were as soul mates, destined to console each other�s souls whenever one was burning. And even to console not even a single word was needed, we just have to beside each other�s side.
In between those days a new and (maybe strange too) thing happened in her family.
Her parents had a great (I thought GREAT till that day) love story. They (Her mom and dad) used to be childhood friend and felt into love when they grew up. Her dad was a Christian and mom a Kshettri. And like all the hindi movies, her mom was married off to another Kshettri guy by her parents. After marriage, when her mother came back to her maiti for first time after marriage, she saw him at the stage like a Devdas. As they say �love is blind�, her mother and father ran away with each other after day or two. The story should have been a happily ever after if it was a hindi movie. But this was real life, and everyone who knew about their love story was surprised with mouth wide open after this incident.
Her (I mean her) father was having extra-marital affair.
Initially her father wouldn�t come home at nights saying that he has overtime at office and would give her mother some extra money too. But as overtime grew much more, her parents would have small fights. We as neighbors would think which couple hasn�t small fights. But soon after, these fights grew bigger.
With such fight going on in her family, she would just sneak out and would go to same old rooftop. I with an instinct, she would be there would just go and sit beside her. Maybe I should have spoken too, but often whenever I would go and sit just beside her, she would just smile to me with pain in her eyes. I would just smile back a consoling smile. Our looks would interchange words. Eyes would share what thousands word couldn�t. She would not forget the pain but at least she would just be little happy of someone being beside her. (I still repent of not speaking)
I wasn�t sure of speaking again to her then. Was I afraid of picking up fight with her again or was I too much arrogant??? But I simply didn�t spoke to her. After not speaking single words for about 2 years, it was hard to find the words that I should speak to her. But again, our eyes would speak whatever was in our hearts and maybe that was just enough.
Her mom was now growing suspicious of her father�s behaviors. And as truth couldn�t be hidden her mom somehow found out about the affair her dad was having. She even found out the area where her husband�s new partner was living. And with no other people to accompany her in her search for that place, she asked me for help. As a good neighbor I accepted, and went out for search for that den. Although we could not find that den, that day after her mom too was grateful to me.
Also soon after everybody in my family and her family found out about us being together in solitude at rooftops, and another gossip began. They would say �K ho yinihaaru hamro aagadi matra boldainaa, chhat maathi gayera matra k bolchha kunni??? K ho saanchi nai bhe garna laage ki k ho yinihaaru??? (Look!! They just don�t speak in front of us, but what they speak with each other at rooftop??? Are they really getting married??).� But this time I cared none, I had true and a friend forever with her this time. I didn�t want to loose that again for some gossip flowing through the town.

************************************

It was new revelations for me to have such feelings for someone else. I didn�t know what it was and didn�t even care to find out. But whatever those feelings were I loved those feelings, those feelings of belongingness, those feeling of togetherness, those feelings of caring and that solace I would find with her.
Back at school, I would like to get back with Pee and hang out together. But rather reluctant to initiate, I let the things as it was.
I had new set of friends and I would hang out with them. But those friendships were rather different, or rather distant to be exact.
It actually took 4 months and my absence from school for about a week to get back with Pee again.
During the childhood, it used to be fun acting like sick and staying at home just doing nothing. But this time when I got sick, and had to stay home, I got bored and lonesome the very first day. It was not that serious disease, but it sure made me stay in the bed for about a week.
That day, while returning home from school, I got drenched in rain. I still loved soaking in the rain. It was fun and it gave me enormous good feeling to walk soaking in rain.
When I got back home from school, there was nobody back at home. Usually, when our rooms would be locked, there would be someone at her place and I would stay at hers till my parents got home. But that day with nowhere else to stay, I remained outside all drained in rain.
Some moments later, she also came back from her school, all wet like fish (maybe she also still loved soaking in rain) and smiled at me. Now there we were, only two of us, all free too soak up in rain, like those good old days.
An hour or so later, my parents were back and as soon as they saw us wet, they scolded
�Yetro thulo bhaisakyo buddhi pani chhaina yinihaaruko, aali chahari layera basnu pardaina yesto bhijera baschha�Birami paryo bhane thaha paunchha aani. (You have grown so old, yet you have no common sense, you should have stayed in some shade, you will know if you become sick)�
But we were we, with intense love for soaking in rain and we just let the scolding pass through our ears.
My mom got us towels and helped us become dry. She stayed at our place till her mom got back home. (Her father was still busy with his EM affair)
Next day, the fun I had showed the results, and I caught cold.
As it was minor cold, I ignored it and went to school. But at school, after period or two, I felt dizzy and when I got back home, I was burning up with fever.
Next day, I was in full bed rest, as doctors would prescribe. I had throat infection or something like that and was boozed up with heavy doze of antibiotics.
That day, half of day I passed with good sleep. The fever was down with cetamols and I got pretty much bored as there was nobody around at home and I was sick enough to dwell into my treasure of comics. I went to my favorite place in the home, the rooftop, getting myself wrapped up well in blanket.
Some moments later, I felt someone was behind me. I turned to see, and there she was, looking sicker than I was. I didn�t know what else to do; I gave her my blanket, which she took with smile and thankful eyes. I went back to my room to get myself another blanket and went back to the rooftop and stayed there together for a while.
Later I took her to my room and let her rest in my bed, and I played some of soft numbers from my collection of music in my stereo. She stayed there at my room till our parents got home.
�K ho yinihaaru sansangai biraami hunparne?? Bujhnai nasaknu ho yiniharulai pani!! (What is matter with these, being sick together??? It is hard to understand these two!!)� It was their first comment when they got back home.
For me at least I was happy. At least there was someone around even when I m sick.

************************************

That whole week, I had to stay home and missed all the classes in between the time. When I got back to school, there were whole new chapters in every subject to cover. With the mid terms approaching and no one wanting to lend me the notes I had missed, I didn�t know the way to cover the topics I had missed. That day I missed a real friend who would be with me in my hard times (not getting notes was hard enough at that time). I felt alone and helpless.
Making plans to read the books and making notes for myself, I was returning home that day.
�Oyee� I heard familiar voice calling me from behind.
Pee was there behind me. I was surprised and more than that happy to talk with him after more than 4 months.
�Hijo asti Kina aainaas??(Why did you not come last week??)� He asked.
�Birami Thiyen.(I was sick)� I replied.
�Ma ta poila gais ki bhanthaneko.(I thought you eloped)� He started ragging me.
�nakara mu**, arkalai tension parirakheko bela. (Shut up, $#@, I m so tensed)� I acted as if I was angry.
�Hijo asti ko note paais??(Did u get notes of last week??)� He asked.
I don�t know if he knew I hadn�t got the notes or not.
�Chhaina. (No.)� I answered lamely.
�Mero laija (take mine)� He lent me the notes when nobody else has wanted to share.
I sure felt him as my guardian angel at the time. He just took away all my troubles just in the snap. I sure was happiest one to get a friend as such at the time. He sure was friend in need and a friend indeed, and I felt stupid enough not to step forward to speak with him.
We were once again friends, the friends at their best. The old days were back again and as soon as the mid terms were over, the hang outs began in the same old pace. The new obsession added to our hang outs; we were obsessed with the movies. We wouldn�t miss a single new hindi movie at the time. Subash Ghai would be our favorite director and we would be greatest fan of Shahrukh Khan and A R Rehman. We would hire the deck every month or so and watch the movies day and night just to cover up every movie released during the time. We would also watch all those Kung-Fu movies and there I started watching my first Hollywood movies. The �Evil Dead� was the first Hollywood movie I watched, but then after series of other movies followed. �Desperado� was the action movie I thought was heart stopping. I also became fan of Jim Carrey after watching �The Mask�. The talks we had would cover topics of who would be next happening hero and such. We would even collect the video cassettes of Shahrukh Khan (Video pasale sahuji ko pach parne�it sure was fun) and we wouldn�t miss a single music cassette released of AR Rehman. We would have hot debate on who was hot: Sushmita Sen or Aishwarya Roy. And traumatized with Aish�s beauty I would always debate on her side.
We even started going to talkies to watch movies. I still remember the Rangeela show at Viswajyoti.
Pee and I had gone there on Saturday, the worst day to choose for movie. And for that movie, the hall was packed with all the movie or Urmila lovers when we reached there. The Men�s line for ticket has reached outside the hall and there was not even small space to step foot at hall. But women must have been against Urmila or movie at the time, the women�s line was lot much shorter than men�s. There were black ticketers everywhere, charging up to 60 rupees for a ticket that would normally cost 25 rupees. Pee and I summed up the money we had altogether and found that we had only 70 rupees. We quickly made a plan to get one ticket and sneak in both of us with that. We bargained the one ticket and got it at 50 rupees. And we got into hall faking other two people nearby us as our parents. The ticket checker was busy enough to care for us. But when we got into the hall, all the seat were packed, and with only one ticket in hand, we had to stay on the stairs and watch the movie. But we sure loved the movie, and sure enjoyed it. Now our admiration was also directed towards Ram Gopal Verma.
And when we returned home from movie that day, I had whole new plan brewing up in my mind for next time.

************************************

The situation at her home was getting out of all boundaries. Her parents would have fight everyday and at nights whenever hr father would come home her father would bit her mom. At times, my parents would have to intervene. �As parents fight, the child suffers.� All those times her parents would be bitching each other, she would be just alone at the rooftop with tears in her eyes. Those tears I would not want to see and seeing those I would think of beating hell out of her father (must have been Hindi movies effect). Her father remained villain for me, whom I would want to beat becoming a �Hero�.
Most of time, I would just sit beside her whenever her parents would be fighting downstairs, and my parents trying to resolve their fight. I would desire to take her away from all those miseries; I would love to carry away all her pains. At least I would love to take her pain away for a moment, so she would smile, smile as a child, and smile in the same way as she would smile before.
Maybe it had been the weirdest ides, but movies always were the greatest fun or getaway for me at the time. And I thought of taking her out to movie; maybe she would love that, I thought and forget all those miseries her father had created. For a moment, maybe I can make her happy and see her smile as before. But for this there were obstacles: first of all I hadn�t spoken to her yet (yet not intended to) and I didn�t wanted anyone to think I was taking her out to movies just as that.
I had cousin about her age who lived in the locality where we lived. She (my cousin) would frequently visit us and was good friend of her. One problem was solved as I could ask my cousin to ask her out for movies. But another problem popped out, what reason I should give. And that day, seeing the women�s line at Viswajyoti lot shorter than men, reason also popped out in my mind, �to get tickets easily�. This reason I could validate with Pee and with other whoever would query. I did my simple calculations and went to get my cousin hooked up with my simple plan. But as they say �napatyaune Khola le bagaunchha� my cousin did drowned me. My cousin asked for ice-cream treat at Nirula�s, if she was to ask her for the movie. Without any choice, I had to drown.
Movie was alright, and I could cover its expenses with the savings I made. But treat, Pheew, I had too much to cover the cost that would come. To cover that, I had to sell three of cassettes from my favorite collection, which I did very heavy-heartedly.
The choice of movie was even weirder. It was newest flick released at Jai-Nepal (Old One with bora ko seats�J). I choose the movie as it was starring Shahrukh Khan and movie was �Ram Jaane�, a hard core action movie.
Well but we sure got the tickets easily, and moreover, we all enjoyed the movie (I think I did, for others I m not sure). And the treat, I am sure she loved that. She laughed on the chit chats, Pee, I and my cousin were having there. That smile of hers, made me want more of them.

************************************

Those days were surely amazing. Hanging out together even we were not speaking with each other, I still cherish the every moments of those hangouts as sweetest memories (although, numbers of hangouts I can county on fingers, four to be exact). With her feeling so free to laugh and feeling out of all those miseries at home, I sure was happy that at least I could make someone feel FREE. I never thought that was a feeling of love, as I must have been too much affected by the feeling of love shown in the hindi movies.
With me inviting my cousin and her every time going out for movies, Pee surely felt something different.
�Oyee, talai yeuta kura sodhaun hai?? (Hey, can I ask you something??)� He couldn�t keep his curiosity with himself that day.
�Bhan na (Tell me!!)�
�Talai tyo Christian man parchha ho??(Do you like that Christian??)�
Blushed I was, and I fired back, �Nakara mula, tero dimaag kharaab bhayo ki k ho?? (Shut up idiot; have your mind gone crazy??)�
�Hoina man parchha bhane kina naboleko naatak garchhas?? (Why do you act of not speaking if you like her??� He retaliated.
�Jhan m*$i, ticket lina sajilo huncha bhanera lyaayo, jhan k k bhando raichha..nakaraa Mula (I just bring her so that we can bring her so we get ticket easily, and you are trying to set me up for that??)� I tried to sound angry, but failed apparently.
�Hyaa m*$i, hoina talai man parchha bhane tellai bhan matra bhaneko. (Nope, I just wanted to say, tell her if you love her, that�s all.)� He concluded.
�Aafno man parya lai char barsa dekhi tulu tulu herya herai matra garchha, aajha malai sikaunchha sale (You haven�t even spoken to one you love for last 4 years, now you are teaching me.)� I shouldn�t have said all this, but words had come out and couldn�t be taken back.
I may have hurt Pee, he remained silent.
That day and for one or days after two, I felt little different about the feeling I have for her, but I was not sure if that was feeling of love or something else but it sure was feeling of coziness I had with her, and only with her those days, which I forgot to analyze on upcoming days.
I hadn�t any feelings about the cross cultural boundaries we had in our society, but after this incident I sure felt, it was an unnecessary propaganda set up by some people who want other people who are in minority in our society as outlaws.
My mom had invited her family to our mamaghar for the yearly festival (jatra to be exact). She sure was happy as she had no near cousin of herself whom she can hang out with, and feeling of going to a mamaghar must have overwhelmed her. I myself had been little uncomfortable at first as I was sure, my other cousin would make big fuss about it and will tease me, but I cared less for that She and her mother(her father was busy somewhere) visited my mamaghar with us that year, and they sure enjoyed every moment of it. The jatra itself had been a very new experience for her, with the coloured lakhes dancing around, people gathering at streets to catch the glimpse of dances, people fighting just to get chance to play the Dhime and Narsingh, jokers wanting people to laugh with their silly acts. She sure had felt good; she showed that with a spark in her eyes.
But after that visit they made, there was another big fuss at my mamaghar rather than fuss my cousin would have made.
It was fine until, somehow, my mamaghar family found out they were Christian after all, and they told my mom not to bring them another time around.
When I heard that, I felt a anguish in my mind, anger in my eyes, and I made promise to myself, I will never visit my mamaghar again, if they have such narrow thinking. Promise didn�t last forever, but I sure didn�t visit my mamaghar for another 7 or 8 months.

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Time passed in snap, and before I knew the finals of the class nine was there to hit me hard. I was too busy with the movies and music to get time to study. And the mark sheet of that year showed its results. I was barely hanging on the first division marks. I knew the time I held my mark sheet on my hands that back home I am going to get a nice �treat� from my Mom. I was dead scared. And scared enough I rather stayed out at Pee�s till late. That was another mistake I made. When I got back home, mom had already got that negative vibes from my behaviors. Silently, she just asked for the mark sheets. Frightened, I handed it. I had no explanations to make and she had no ears to accept any even if I had. Without a hint, she slapped my face, and in quick reflex, I tried to avoid it. I could not avoid it, else it hit my nose, and blood dripped from my nose. Must have been �blood effect�, she silently went away from me. I went out from our room and silently went to rooftop with the blood dripping. I had failed this time and I felt as my mom hated me enough; she had never hit like that before. I felt like running away from home, away from my mom�s eyes, I couldn�t excuse myself. I hated myself for being such a fool. I sat there silently cursing myself.
After half an hour or so, �She� (don�t confuse this with my mom) came there. Red is color of love, but blood red must have negative effect in girls. Seeing the dry blood in my hands and traces of blood dripping from my nose, I saw a fearful look and anguish in her eyes. Sooner, tears were dripping from her eyes, and that was least thing I wanted. She went silently downstairs, with tears in her eyes.
Sooner, she came back to rooftop, and lent me a handkerchief soaked in water. I took it silently and cleaned up the bloods from my hands and face. I hadn�t noticed but there were stains of blood in my shirt too (that shirt remained a lesson learnt for me). I was thankful at least she was there for me, at my hardest time. Here she was whom I can lean on when nobody else was there to believe me.
I didn�t know what else I could do to get an excuse from mom. But I gathered enough courage and went to mom�s room.
�Ma�, She looked towards me and I saw tears in my mom�s eye. That made me feel even guiltier, and feeling myself as a culprit, I couldn�t stop myself and tears were dripping from my eyes too.
�I am sorry, Ma� I couldn�t find another word, �I will do better next time.�
Maybe she believed in my words and without saying another word, she hugged me. That was what I needed, and I thought I would study harder this time around, and show the world what I can do.
Although I didn�t studied that hard in all the subjects this year, but I excelled in the mathematics this time around which proved to be the turning point for the career I choose later on�Thanks mom for letting me know how important study is when u have no other assets�although that was hurting�.

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The min pachaas this time was fun for me. My one cousin had bought a skating and I spent lot of time learning that skate and failed apparently. I would fall most of the time and had lots of scars and skin wounds, but learning experience was huge fun. We were still fan of the table tennis and my cousin had excelled in that, I would be beaten by him with his left hand. Pee and I would make a huge collection of the AR Rehman�s best song collection for ourselves. That time, I got the grip of the best records of Beatles and the doors and got to know what made them from common people to a Legend. We had controlled our obsession towards movies as Pee was also scolded by his parents. The FM stations were there to hit the town and there were craze for it everywhere. We would record the latest songs from the airplay as most of time we would be broke to buy every cassette we loved. The FM station was just as an angel�s gift to us as we could hear every song we wished to hear.
The class ten started with a surprise for Pee and me. We were there to admit ourselves together this time also. I had stayed at Pee�s this time and early in the morning we were there at school to admit ourselves together. There was huge crowd when we got there and with much hard effort we got ourselves admitted together. We were happy, but our fate had another destiny for us.
With our roll numbers as odd as 223 and 224, we were sure that we would be together in the same class. But there was strange rule in our school that time, the students securing more that 75% of marks were kept in the special section to excel their performance and that hit us hard as that was the reason we get separated in different sections. He was the last roll number in one section and I was first roll number in another. We were separated and that was a surprise start for us.
But this separation did a good thing for us. We had different notes to share in the SLC as we were in different sections and it helped us more in our Iron Gate journey.
This time around, I remember less of the mates of the class 10. In that class I was only to study as I made least friends there, most of time I would be hanging out with Pee and another friend, who had came into our so called group of two.
His name was Mohan and we would call him �Pyare Mohan� or �T-3� meaning taalu, tuiyaan and terminator. He was little bald and would be furious most of time to be called terminator. He was our friend and Pee and I loved his company anyways.
Now there were three of us in our journey toward the Iron Gate. We had ups and downs, we had fun and fury, we had thrills and chills in between the journey and we loved each part of it, the sweetest memories to cherish forever in life.

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The journey had started, and I had fastened my seatbelts for my journey. And in between this journey, I was too busy to prove myself. I would almost forget about her in times, but whenever I remembered her, she would be just there for me (I must have taken her as granted to ignore her that much). We had very little time together this year as I would be too busy either practicing the mathematics with my FM stereo on with full sound (Math and music, Best blend of study cocktail..;-), or with tuitions or hang outs Pee and I had together; but each moments she and I had together had made a deep incisions in my heart, which I remember with vivid details.
That day, I had holiday at my school for some occasion, I don�t remember exactly what it was but it was free day for me. I stayed at home till mid afternoon listening to music and doing the mathematics most of times, recording the songs air played that I loved in between the time. That day must have been lucky day for me, as that day I had recorded two cassettes full of songs from FM station. The FM station only played till noon at that time, and after noon, being bored just staying at home I gathered the cassettes I had recorded and got ready to go to Pee�s place where I could edit the songs I want most and make another hit collection of ours.
With no one at home, I locked all the doors and went to her room to keep the key. There were no one at her place, I just left the key on table and left the room.
There was a small courtyard just behind my room. I never open window at that side as it was just next to the open soak pit and would give pungent smell most of time. As I was leaving the home, I spotted her there at courtyard writing something all over. I stopped for the moment and there I saw what made me stunned and blushed at the same time. She was writing N+I all over (her name started with I), and just then she noticed me. Our eyes met, and I could feel blush in her eyes. She was turning red from white, and without moment loosing she tried to erase all the N+I she had written, and she went away from there as quickly as she could. There was still one N+I remaining, and those N+Is had already made my mind disturbed, heart pounding and face blushing.
I didn�t remember anything in between the way, and before I knew I was at Pee�s place.
�Oyee, yeuta kura suun na (Hey, listen this yaar.).� I wanted to share all the things with Pee.
�Bhan (tell me)�
�Usle ta malai maan paraunchha jasto laagyo yaar (I think she loves me).�
� Ko?? Ko �usle�?? (Who?? Who does??)� he was confused.
�Taile aasti bhanekole k� haamisanga basne chha ni.(The one whom u said last time�the one who shares our apartment)� I tried to explain.
�Yehh!! Christian�Malai pahile thaha thiyo, tehi bhayera talai aasti bhaneko (oh!! that Christian, I knew it before, that�s why I told you all those before).� He had felt the spark lot before I did. �Talai mann pardaina??(Don�t you like her??)� He added.
�Khoi yaar, Malai thaha chhaina�(I don�t know!!!)� It was my turn to get confused now.
�Get yourself fixed yaar,thaha laaga, mula�� He tried to suggest me.
But I was too much confused, and I didn�t know if I was really in love with her or something. I felt a different kind of comfort whenever she would be around in my difficult times, I wanted to make her smile forever, I loved to see her happy, I loved each and every thing she did for me, I loved her company but I wasn�t sure if that was called love. I just stood there confused with turmoil of the illusion of love.

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That confusion lasted for more than two months or so, it kept me disturbed most of the time, and more I tried to forget it, it would thump my minds even more. In between those times, maybe she was also embarrassed too much; I didn�t see her most of time and whenever I would see her, she would just run away. I missed her company though, I missed staring at those stars together, I missed seeing her smiles, I missed her company and I was foolish enough not even to speak with her even when I knew she loved me.
Soon enough, the first terminals were there to hit us, and this time I had zeal to prove something. But the course of the class nine was to be covered also and it was hard enough for me to cover all those subject of nine (remember, class nine was just fun for me� ;-). But I tried my best and result showed it. I had not reached the height my mom had expected for, but I scored one of the highest marks in the mathematics, other subject hold dashing marks too. Seeing the mark sheet that time, my mom had spark of belief in her eyes. She was not satisfied of the results though, but she believed I could do better than that and I was happy to get that belief from my mom.
In between the tough time I had during the exams, I almost forgot the emotional turmoil I was going through before. But as soon as I saw her after those exams, the turmoil gasped my mind once again and it was too hard for me to conclude my self. At times I would feel like, �God!!! I am in love� while at others I would be like �Am I in love???� I was confused and wasn�t that determined enough to find out the solution to my confusion. I even once bought a card to give it to her, but couldn�t find enough courage to give it to her, courage couldn�t be paid for. The card remained, inside one of my comics, just to gather dust.
As they say, �With time, it heals everything�, the confusion didn�t remain in my mind forever (It hit harder than before later on though). I tried to get suggestion from Pee.
�Oyee, malai tension paryo yaar. (hey, I m in tension�)�
�K bho?? (What happened??)�
�I am dead confused. Am I in love or not malai thaha chhaina yaar. Tension huna thalyo, yaar� I tried to explain.
�M*$i, maan dherai dulayera faaida chhaina, man parchha bhane khurukka gayera bhande, man pardaina bhane chupa laagera birside, bekaar ma tension liyera pheri mom ko kutai khaalas�� he said sarcastically, if I was going ruin my study with all this.
Determined after hearing his words to forget everything about love and confusion, I came back home that day.

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For a month or two, I avoided her most of time, and maybe of all those embarrassments, she also had avoided me so far. I was concentrating on my studies now. The times would pass, listening to FM stations, recording the songs I like, practicing math (Geez!!! I loved math so much), and I avoided that roof top for more than month. I was scared to see her again, and I was not sure about myself too. I would rather confine myself in my room, or spend holidays at Pee�s place.
That night, I had returned home late at evening, spending the whole day at Pee�s place. When I reached home, mom was busy making dinner.
�K k gaaris ta Pee ko ma??� She inquired.
�Yeso combine study aani ekchhin ghumna gaayen.� I replied, although it was less combine study and more roaming around,
�Ye bhusukkai birseko, maathi baata kapada sukayeko uuthayera le ta, jhandai birseko.�
There was nobody else around to do the job, and I had to go anyway.
While I was collecting the clothes there, I saw her at the next end of the roof. She was busy with some writings. I totally i

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