Pumped up and drained, there I was waiting for you. You said you would come, I had my faith in you, I know you wouldn’t turn me down. As I shiver and wait for you looking around the mass pile of snow I was just lost in thoughts.
The first time I noticed you, because it wasn’t the first time we met. How we started talking, how we got closer and what not. I wonder if it was destiny or was it mere just time’s play. I remember how my girlfriends warned me about you. They reminded me often, you were my first love and I was not yours. They said they knew your ex, but then it really did not matter, really did not.
Our first December, I would never find words to describe our exquisite time together. It drew us closer and made us fall insanely in love with each other. I never had the feeling of being loved, of being protected, of being taken care of or being treasured. You filled that void in my life and I am still thankful to you for that. I was completely blinded in your love and mesmerized by your charm. One day you reminded me, I might not be able to get married to you. At that very moment it didn’t matter to me, nothing mattered. I was young, I was vibrant and I felt that we would work things out before the time comes for a marriage.
Things were going good, at least that’s what I presumed. I didn’t know if you were happy or you ever needed space from me. I always presumed you were doing well, while I was insanely being dependent on you. I could not think about my life without you. Was I insane? All my dreams, all my thoughts revolved around you? Was that love or was I ridiculously crazy. I believe I wasn’t paying attention, I believe I wasn’t seeing it thoroughly, may be it was never meant to be.
Mam, would you like anything else with the coffee? My bizarre thoughts were halted by the inquisitive question asked by the waitress in the coffee shop, while I was waiting for you.
With a little pain and smile, I thanked her for asking and swiftly dived back into the memory lane.
Why didn’t you tell me, you love somebody else now? Were you playing games with me the whole time? Did you ever love me? Wasn’t I pretty enough?
I felt goose bumps; I forced myself to believe those were merely because it was chilly outside the coffee shop. I wanted to go in but then again what if you don’t find me here, what if you just leave without meeting me? What if I would never see your face again and what if I could not hear what you had to say? Fighting the thoughts of cold and pain I decided I will wait for you outside.
After all these years and I have been through, I hate to even think how insanely I am still in love with you. It still hurts so much that I have to cry every other time I think about you. Yeah, I consider myself insane to the depth of insanity but yet again I am sound enough to burst inside my own little bubble than in the outer world.
What did you wanted to say? A feeling of anxiousness and nervousness pressurized my mind to elevate thoughts or a sound reasoning to why after all these years you wanted to meet? Why?
It was getting really cold, I was shivering, and this negative temperature seemed to be posing as a hindrance. The waitress came around again harshly stating that the café was about to close in five minutes. Being out of clarified thoughts, I asked her if this greenish black iron chair I was sitting on need to be inside. She hastily shook her head giving me a bizarre glance.
I paid for my coffee and tipped her to compensate the glance. After five minutes, it was dark and it was ear piercingly quiet. I was scared and all alone but the thoughts of being with you kept me warm and encouraged me to hold on a little longer. Shivering there I was, outside the coffee shop seated like an old sculpture with a blue long coat, brown fury shoes, your favorite hat and my warm black gloves. The red tent, the greenish iron chairs rusted long enough to be an ancient décor added years of history to that scenic posture.
Were you playing me? Are you coming? I was so cold that I couldn’t think. All I could feel was being pricked by thousand thorns throughout my body. The cold wind blowing my hair whispered me to let it go. This time I gave into it, I caved in, I stood up from the chair. I felt dizzy, I took small hazy steps, adding one to another. I was trying to follow the rhythm but I failed. I slipped unwearyingly in a dark cold alley. I could reason, so I presumed my brain was still working, I commanded myself to get up, run or shout for help.
I tried…, I shouted from the top of my lungs help…! help…! help…! help…! …...i don’t know if anybody heard it, I don’t know if anyone will come. Fighting like an injured soldier with all the dignity I had, I shouted and shouted. It was Quiet like the darkest hour at night, I was tired and I was cold. Unable to console my tired eyes any further I went to sleep.
I was sound asleep, there was sunlight, I was warm and was waiting for you. I was still wearing my blue long coat, brown fury shoes, your favorite hat and my warm black gloves, right outside the café.
What did you wanted to say?