I've got some funny stuff, hope you all will enjoy it.


A well dressed business man was walking down the street when a little kid covered in soot said to him respectfully, “Sir, can you tell me the time?” The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, “It is a quarter to three, young man.”

“Thanks,” said the boy. “At exactly three o’clock you can kiss my ass.”

With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him.

He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him.

“Why are you running like this at your age?” asked the friend. Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, “That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!”

“So his friend said whats the hurry? You still got 15 mins.”

haha nice nice

enjoy this

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters and they were all getting married within a
short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life
would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the
honeymoon with a few words on howmarital sex felt. The first girl sent a
card from Brazil two days after the wedding.The card said nothing but
"Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got
out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but
was pleased for her daughter.


The second girl sent the card from UK a week after the wedding,and the card
read: "Benson & Hedges".Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's
cigarettes,and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King
Size.She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon to Malaysia Mom waited for a week,
nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a
card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "
Malaysia Airlines." Mom took out her latest Standard Newspaper Digger
Classified pages, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally
found the ad for KQ. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week,
both ways."

Mom fainted...

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

“I don’t know what to do,” says the Devil. “You’re on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got three people here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.”

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.

“No!” George said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer and I don’t think I could do that all day long.”

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

“No! I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!” commented George.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.”

The Devil smiled and said, “Monica, you’re free to go!”

Jack always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into the house and says to his wife: “Notice anything different about me?”

Bessie looks him over, “Nope.”

Frustrated Jack storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, “Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?”

Bessie looks up and says, “Jack, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.

Furious, Jack yells, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT’S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!”

To which Bessie replies, “Shoulda bought a hat, Jack. Shoulda bought a hat.”

Two voices; male and female; seated on a plane

“I think everyone’s asleep; lets go”

Sound of steps.

“This one’s empty … no one’s looking … you go in first”

“It a bit cramped - let me sit down”

“Have you got the condom?

“Quick, put it on”

Sniff sniff

“Ah perfume - you think of everything”

“This is great…..” (long sigh)

Static on the loud speaker then a new voice.

“This is the captain speaking to those two people in the rear toilet.

We know what you’re doing and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.

Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector!”

The three old men were sitting around complaining about how much their hands shook.

The first geezer said, ‘My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I cut my face!’

The second old fogy one-upped him. ‘My hands shake so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced all my flowers!’

The third old man laughed and said, ‘That’s nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times.’

DADDY! HOW WAS I BORN?” Junior asks his dad, His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, “Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!”

“Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button.”

“Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted
in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said:
.
.
.
.
.
.
You’ve Got Male’!”

Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice.
Son: “I will choose my own bride!”
Father: “But the girl is Bill Gates’s daughter.”
Son: “Well, in that case…ok”

Next: Father approaches Bill Gates.

Father: “I have a husband for your daughter.”
Bill Gates: “But my daughter is too young to marry!”
Father: “But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.”
Bill Gates: “Ah, in that case…ok”

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Father: “I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.”
President: “But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!”
Father: “But this young man is Bill Gates’s son-in-law.”
President: “Ah, in that case…ok”

This is how business is done!!
Moral: Even If you have nothing, You can get Anything. But your attitude should be positive.

George Bush goes to a school George Bush goes to a primary school to give a speech. After his talk he offers question time.One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.

“Bob”.

“And what is your question, Bob?”

“I have 3 questions.

First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes?

And third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.When they resume George says, “OK, where were we? Oh that’s right — question time. Who has a question?”

A different little boy puts up his hand . George points him out and asks him what his name is. “Steve”

“And what is your question, Steve?”

“I have 5 questions.

First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?

Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes?

Third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden?

Fourth, Why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?

And fifth, Where is “Bob”? !!

A sardarji comes up to the Pakistan border on his bike. He’s got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard Iqbal stops him and says, ‘What’s in the bags?’ ‘Sand,’ answered the Sardarji.

Iqbal says, ‘We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike.’

Iqbal’s guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains the sardarji all night and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. Iqbal releases the sardaji, puts the sand into new bags, hefts
them onto the sardarji’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. Iqbal asks, ‘What have you got?’
‘Sand,’ says the Sardarji.

Iqbal does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to the Sardar, and crosses the border on his bike. This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.

Finally, the Sardarji doesn’t show up one day and the guard, Iqbal, meets him in a ‘Dhaba’ in Islamabad.

‘Hey, Buddy,’ says Iqbal, ‘I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about…I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?’

The Sardaji, sips his Lassi and says, ‘Bikes’

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. “Hello?”

“I’m calling to report my neighbor. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?” “Yep.”

“Did they chop your firewood?” “Yep.”

“Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”

great jokes backaxe. i liked the one with the shaky hands!!

keep it coming!

Man comes home to his wife very happy.
Man: "I just won a lottery of $10 million. Pack your bags."
Wife: "Great, how shall I pack it? Shall I pack it for south, or north, or east or west, hot climate or cold climate or...."

Man: "I don't care, just pack your bags and piss off."

A little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I know what you want for Christmas," and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S".

The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough toys."

Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."

Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have all kinds of candy."

"Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.

The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"

don't smoke, your infant will soon start by the time it reaches the earth.

A bear and a rabbit were in the forest taking a shit. The bear then looks over at the rabbit and says, "Do you ever have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit said,"No I don't."

The bear then picked up the rabbit and wiped his ass!

Whoever said Laughter is the best medicine, never had a hemorroid.

one more

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke. After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started. The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said:

'Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in INDIA?'

With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.

'Wait, ladies,' cried the professor. 'The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!'

AGAIN
The 'College Special' train time was changed from 2.02 p.m. to 1.58 p.m.

The English Professor made this announcement in the class.

'The train's departure time has been changed from two-two to two-to-two.'

One day when the teacher walked to the blackboard, she noticed someone had written a foul word in tiny letters. She turned around and scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it and began class.

The next day, she went into the classroom, she noticed the same word in large letters; this time written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word 'penis' written on the board, each day's larger than the previous one.

Finally one day, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words:

'The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.'