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Do you want to be an Ambassador?

In the 'mili-juli' sarkaars of the past, there were two ways you could become an Ambassador of our country. Either you climb up the Foreign Service ladder and get to be called Your Excellency a few years away from retirement or you buy your 'Ambassador' tag as a donor for the old political parties or let's add the third one, which is, if you are somehow related to a minister or some other netas and you get the slot when the bhaag-banda thing plays out.


Arzoo Deuba's mother was once our Ambassador to Japan not because she was a Nepali Congress cadre but from the RPP quota then. We also had a few of the old Pancheys becoming Ambassadors as well. Then we have the UML wallahs who sold the 'Ambassador' slots to manpower sahujis and nieces of their loyal byaparis as well. It's not only them but then Maoist and Madhesi political parties as well who sent their 'quota' person abroad for some vacation!


The RSP government has decided to go through a different formula this time. Yes, we will still have our bunch of Foreign Service wallahs as Ambassadors but now, you too can apply to be an Ambassador somewhere. Yes, you don't have to a mother or a brother or a niece, or a cousin of a neta to be an Ambassador and since we don't have a mili-juli sarkar, we don't have to hear byaparis or bloodline coming in to play for the 'Your Excellency' titles!

I think it is best to appoint folks who have once lived in that country as our Ambassadors, unless they have already taken up citizenship there. We need someone who studied or worked there for a few years or decades and came back without the Green Card or PR or whatever they call it there. When such people become our Ambassadors, they will not have to learn something new because they will already have much experience in finding the cheapest food joint, the best clubs for weekends and even speak the local language or slangs they picked up while living there.

For India, I recommend Manisha Koirala not because of her diplomatic skills but if she is sent to India, she will probably bridge the gap between the divided South and North India since she has worked in Bollywood and the South as well. She has fans in both Roti and Rice belts! And for Nepal, she will probably do more than the one we had for years, the old bloke who did nothing but attend cocktail dinners and didn't even visit the University in Odisha, where our girls committed suicide due to harassment. I think our Arzoo Didi was the Foreign Minister then and she spent most of her time visiting foreign lands only to flaunt her handbags and wonderful saaris!

For China, we need some guy who has studied in China, maybe our doctors or engineers and not some guy who made money buying 5-cent clothes and selling them in Mahabouddha for thirty times more. We don't need the shady byaparis operating from China for our wholesale markets here. We need professional people who have studied there, can speak Mandarin fluently and are able to use chopsticks as fast as Jet Li and can sing some Chinese songs at the Karaoke as well.

And it's time our Foreign Service wallahs also pass the language test when they become our Ambassadors. You don't have to be a fluent speaker, but you need to pass at least level one or two of their language. You want to go to Russia to represent us then at least learn some Russian to order a Borscht or a bottle of Vodka or you know when you meet Putin then you can give him a high five and some Aila to try and tell him to not to force our boys to join his war thing and who knows end the conflict with the Ukrainians and win a Nobel Peace Prize on the side.

And it's about time, we also ask the bideshis who have closed their Embassies here or visa services and instead waste our time and money for all the processing in Delhi, be it in person or via mail, to either do everything here in Kathmandu or we charge more for visas for their citizens!


What about the UK? I think we need someone who went to Oxford or Cambridge just to give the British a little bit of their own dose of 'class' thing for a change. It doesn't matter where you went to school but the British establishment still acts like the British Raj. Why not a curry guy or some former British Army Gurkha officer? Well, that would be a problem, innit? The curry guy and the Khukuri-carrying warrior both have British papers by now!


What about the US? Not Prabal Gurung because he is already an American citizen. Maybe someone who went to school there and knows more about the NFL and Baseball and the NBA and understands and enjoys the whole BBQ and Beer thing! Why? Well, the Americans are not British. An ice beer and some wings or fries can help us bring some American investments here rather than just attending some investment forums or some discourse there.


We don't need Ambassadors who just attend events and talk about the beauty of Nepal and do nothing more for our citizens there! We need someone who will work hard to bring in foreign investments or even tourists to our land by promoting our country at every TV show in town, and will make sure that our citizens are evacuated to safer destinations if things heat up!


With the new Balen government in place, we also expect our Embassy staff abroad to pick up the phone and respond to the emails of our citizens there when needed, and not act like pricks like in the past or think that they are doing us a huge favor when they renew our passports or give us a new one or do other paperwork we need. No more free vacations for Jholeys or Jholey civil servants from now on!


And when it comes to our bureaucrats and even non-sarkari folks who will become our Ambassadors soon (as more than a dozen are needed to fill up the vacant slots!), do not look down when meeting heads of state or fellow Ambassadors. You represent Nepal and be proud of it, and don't act like you are about to fall on the floor and perform a full prostration. You are not meeting God or asking for silly favors! Be a man or a woman or your gender, stand up straight and look them in the eye, and let's make some better deals for Nepal!


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